Amorous

Dear boyfriend 💓

Dear boyfriend,

You’re probably going to click the link to the article as I share it on my Instagram page and think, “Oh God, a mushy letter addressing the thoughts my girlfriend has for me.” Yes, some parts of this letter to you may be sappy and lovey-dovey, but I have just had so much on my mind that I’ve wanted to tell you, and I think now is the time to do it. Some of it may embarrass you, but you deserve to know how lovely you really are. #sorrynotsorry

You have honestly really changed my life in so many positive ways that you possibly couldn’t imagine.

You came into my life at just the right moment. I don’t know how you did it, but you somehow managed to be truly amazing to me even then. My life wasn’t the best when you first met me. I felt very lost and very alone. Yes, I had my best friend, but they were someone who I constantly feared of upsetting and couldn’t be my full self around. Yes, I had other people in my life, other support systems, and people to talk to. I still did a lot of the same things I do now. Even with all of that stuff, I still felt really empty. I didn’t feel like I had someone who understood me or saw my perspective of life. I felt like I was always looking for someone who would love me for who I truly am, and for a deep connection that I hoped would exist. After a long time of trying and settling, I just stopped looking. I figured that the type of connection I longed for was something non-existent, and that the bonds I had with people were all I was going to get.

I constantly felt like I was living in repetition. I didn’t see things in long term goals, but rather in a day-by-day mindset. I only worried about the here and now, and did not set as many life goals as I have now that I have you. You took my black and white boring world and made it colourful and full of life.

From the first moment I talked to you, I truly felt something. I’m not just saying that to make this sound like some sort of fairytale, but I did feel something. You were the only one who was listening to what I was saying, the only one who could catch my socially awkward phrases and cues, and the only one who got my sense of humour. The first conversation we ever had will always be one of my favourites, and I remember it like it happened yesterday. I remember how we spoke for hours on call, and how even though it was super late, I didn’t want to stop talking to you. I was genuinely happy. I was excited that I was able to speak to someone new so carefree (a task for me), and that the conversation was so open and flowed well.

Ever since that day, we have never stopped talking. For over a year, we have talked every single day, and I can’t imagine my life without you.

What we have just works. It may not work for all people, but I’m glad it does for us. I love how open we are, even if the subject is Politics, embarrassing, or a bit sassy. I love how you ramble on and on about stories, the fact that you repeat things all the time, when you randomly stop talking about one thing and begin a new thought, and your constant use of our inside jokes. Some of those things may be traits other people may not be interested in, but I love them because it’s you. I love how you are yourself around me and that you feel comfortable around me.  I am someone you can share all of your interesting stories with, trust with personal information, and  joke around with.

You always know just what to say to me, even when I’m being irrational. I know it can be hard to date someone with a mental illness, but you have never given up on me. You are the only person in my life who has never been fed up with me, gotten mad at me over it, or taken advantage of me when I’m not in the best state. For that, I will forever be grateful and appreciative. When I’m sad, you always know how to comfort me. Even if it’s when I just want to be alone, or when I need a motivational speech, or when I need someone to be sad and angry with me, you always seem to know what will work best and act on it. I know I panic a lot. It’s very hard for me. I constantly worry and sometimes my brain is running around in circles with all of these thoughts. You understand that and you have always managed to take the time out of your day, even if you aren’t feeling the best yourself, and help me organize my thoughts. Your selflessness inspires me to be more like you, and I will never forget every time you’ve done that for me.

You always support me in the way I need. No one else has ever been able to help me and support me the way you have. Even when you may sometimes not be sure of what to do, you always ask me. Did you know you’re the only person in my whole life who has ever asked me what I want, what I need in the moment, and what you can do to help? Your questions have made me more conscientious of the fact that if people just took the time out of their days to ask people why they feel a certain way or what they need (instead of assuming things), the world would be a lot easier of a place.

Apart from our conversations, which mean more to me than anything, I love how thoughtful you are. You go out of your way to do cute little things for me, even if you may be really busy or tired.

Every day, you shock me and make me feel so very blessed because I can’t believe someone as amazing, smart, loving, caring, selfless, thoughtful, and considerate as you is such a big part of my life.

No matter what, you always make me feel like I’m loved. There used to be long periods of my life where I felt like no one loved me. I felt like I would often have to bribe people to care for me and to love me. I would often feel pressured to buy people gifts and to do things I didn’t want for people in order for them to stay in my life. You taught me that real love is loving someone for their character. You taught me that love just happens. It’s an understanding and a passion for another person. You can’t buy love or force love. “You can’t go forcing something if it’s just not right.” You can’t go looking for love. Love just comes naturally, and it finds it’s way into your life, just like you randomly came into mine.

Love is accepting someone’s quirks and interesting habits and loving them for having those things. You embrace all of my flaws and never make me feel horrible for them.

Even if, for some reason, we don’t work out, I want to look back on this letter and remind myself of how much I do love and appreciate you as a person. This is the first time in my whole life I have ever been able to confidently say I’ve loved the person I’m with. I wasn’t forced into this, I didn’t force you onto me, and I didn’t go forcing something that wouldn’t happen. I will always love the person you are. You are hardworking, determined, and you always go after what you want. I will always admire you and the time I’ve spent with you. You’ve taught me so much that I will always take into heart. I will always treasure the time we’ve spent together, our chats, and the things you’ve done for me. You will always have a special place in my heart.

However, I do have a strong feeling we will work out. Please know that I am in this for the long haul, and I will never want to give up on you. Even if things get rough, I want to work things out with you. You’ve always been able to work through things with me. I don’t feel like I need anyone else. I don’t feel like I need to search for anything better, because I truly feel like that you are the best for me. I will never do anything to hurt you, and I will always try my hardest to work just as hard as you do to keep everything okay.

Unlike most relationships, we are long distance. It can be hard for us sometimes, but just know that every day, I wish you were here. Every day, I wish I could hold your hand. I wish I could kiss you. I wish we could snuggle up on rainy days and watch movies. I wish I could bake us cookies and listen to Green Day together and fall asleep. I long for the times we do get to spend together. Sometimes, I can still feel your hugs on me, I can still feel your hand in mine, and I can still smell your cologne. I can’t wait for a time where we won’t always have to be so far apart. Please know that even when I’m so many miles away, you are constantly on my mind, and I constantly wish I could spend all of my current time making memories with you.

Thank you for being you. I love you. 

With love, 
Rutu❤️