The Winter Wraith (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Chapter 30 - Lonely Monster

Year: 2016

Seated around the glass table set before a large projector screen, Bucky was once again struck by the way no one even gave the complicated contraption a second glance, like it was a totally normal thing you'd find in a totally normal room. Of course, to them, it was. For Bucky, it was a thing of the future. A future he was now living.

The whole being in the 21st century thing hadn't really set in, so it took moments like these to make him realise the world he knew was well and truly over, upgraded and updated to this newer, shinier, technological version where nothing was the same. Well, almost nothing. The man sitting to his left may not be the scrawny boy he once was, but he was still Steve. In other words, Bucky's lifebuoy in a world where he felt he was constantly being thrown overboard.

Steve sat at attention, straight-backed and listening to Director Fury's words as if they could save his life. Being an Avenger, that wasn't exactly untrue. To Bucky's right, at the end of the table, Natasha lounged in her chair, Starbucks coffee in her hand. He had no idea when she had the time to walk the 5 blocks and back to the closest shop, seeing as Fury had called the meeting literally 10 minutes ago. She had made him try Starbucks before, but he didn't get the point of it. Was all the extra stuff really necessary? Back in his day, with coffee being rationed for the war, they were lucky just to get a watered-down mug. Of course, that didn't stop him from ordering another Starbucks the next time he walked by. Or the next.

He paused.

Did he really just think back in my day? With a shudder, he realised Sam might actually be right; he was a grandpa. Don't go down that path, he told himself, it's an existential crisis just waiting to happen.

Wanda sat next to Nat, opposite Bucky. He resisted the urge to shift in his seat. He had to admit, he was a little uncomfortable around the young avenger, or rather, with the thought of having her read his mind. When they had first met, she had made it clear she respected everyone's privacy and wouldn't go strolling through their memories. He believed her, and he wasn't even sure if it was the mind-reading power itself or the fact that it felt weirdly familiar, like he had encountered it before. He chalked that feeling up to her power's relation to Hydra. Wanda had been helping him work through some of the mental blocks Hydra had programmed into his mind, allowing him to regain memories faster than he would have been able to on his own, and for that, he was thankful. Although most of his memories were bloody and violent, he would occasionally remember some detail that would allow the team to track down a Hydra operation. Part of Bucky knew he was lying to himself, and that the real reason he wanted to remember was so he could torture himself with the sounds of their screams, the fear on their faces, so he would never forget what Hydra had made him, what he was. He also felt a sort of connection to Wanda; he, too, had lost his siblings. And whilst he was comfortable in the knowledge they had likely grown up in relative safety, Wanda had telepathically felt the moment her brother sacrificed himself. Steve had given him the rundown on the events he had missed, so he wasn't entirely clueless when it came to sensitive topics.

Another reason he had tried so hard to recall his time with Hydra was the nagging feeling that he had left something there, or Hydra had taken something from him. Or maybe it had something to do with the time he had spent in hiding in Bucharest, back when his mind had still been a mess. Something was missing, a part of him he had lost somewhere but knew he could get back if he just tried harder to remember. But it was a slow process, undoing years of brainwashing and torture, and his more distant memories were scattered at best. Still, he wouldn't – he couldn't – stop trying, somehow he knew this was just too important.

Next to Wanda, opposite Steve, sat Clint. Bucky had to admit, the man did a good job keeping his family safe. If Hydra had known about them, he probably would have been sent to kill them, but as far as he was concerned, Hydra had no clue. He was determined to help keep it that way. He had to wonder what Clint's wife and kids thought of him being an Avenger, and how he had managed to keep his work and home life apart for so long. Then again, Bucky had initially mistaken Clint for Wanda's dad, so maybe he didn't separate his work and family as much as Bucky thought he did.