All That Jazz

About Coffee and Insecurities

"Jongho, wait!"

He had almost reached his dormitory when he heard his brother calling for him. He stopped for a second but continued walking, slower than before. He heard Seonghwa groaning. "Come on, we should talk. I know you are not doing well right now." Jongho opened the front door to the building, laughing bitterly. "Oh, I have no idea how you feel but you know everything about me? I don't think so." He stormed up the stairs, he knew Seonghwa would be following him. He also knew that they would talk it out right now, no matter if it was the right time or not. Maybe it was better like this, Jongho would at least have his brother back he could fall back onto.

Jongho fumbled for his dorm keys. He heard how Seonghwa came to a halt behind him, thankful for the boy that he at least waited until they were in his apartment and didn't do this in the hallway. When the door fell closed behind Seonghwa Jongho exhaled deeply, it came out shakier than he thought.

"I know what I said this evening wasn't ok, I'm sorry, Jongho. Im stressed with exams and the whole situation with Hongjoong and I took it out on you in a way that I knew would heard you even though I know you just wanted to help me." Seonghwa sighed, taking a step forward. They still stood in the hallway of Jongho and Wooyoung's apartment, Jongho still hadn't turned to him. His head hung low, concentrating hard not to break down in front of his brother. Not that that didn't happen before but he didn't want that right now, they had to fix the situation right now so he could tell Seonghwa everything that was going on in his head.

"I'm really sorry, Jongho. I hope you can forgive me. I will try my best to be a good brother. Especially right now. Please talk to me, I know you are crying." Jongho hadn't even realised he had started crying again, his shoulders shaking and his cheeks wet. Quickly, he wiped his eyes with both his hands, straightening up. "Let's not talk about that here, let's go to my room." On shaky feet he made his way to his room, sitting himself down on the edge of his bed, elbows on his knees, fixating the wall in front of him. He saw the picture of him, Hongjoong, Wooyoung and Seonghwa in that one water park they had visited last year, hair wet, laughing. Jongho sobbed quietly.

He felt Seonghwa's arm around his shoulder and he uncounsciously leaned against his brother. His sobs got louder, his whole body shaking. None of them said something but that was okay. Between hiccups and soft sniffles Jongho had enough time to think about how he would explain his situation to Seonghwa even though he believed that he already knew. After all, Seonghwa did know how he was feeling even when he had said he didn't earlier. His brother always knew how he felt and when he needed someone to comfort him. He even came back from the theatre alone for Jongho. Seonghwa must have seen the look in his eyes earlier on, that he wasn't in the right headspace. He could have spent the evening with Hongjoong and the others having fun but he didn't. For Jongho. That thought made Jongho sob one last time before his vision started to get clear again, the sounds that left his throat from crying quieting down.

"Hyung", Jongho felt Seonghwa stifle next to him. He never called him 'hyung' as long as it wasn't a serious matter. The arm around his shoulders tighten.

"Hyung, I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have butted into your business. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do." Jongho looked up, first time since they came here looking into his brothers face. Seonghwa smiled slightly, bringing his free hand up to wipe away a stray tear on Jonghos face. "I told you, its fine. I'm not the one that is upset. You...wanna tell me what exactly makes you so upset?"

"It's stupid, I don't know what is happening right now." Seonghwa scoffed. "It's never stupid when you are like this. You don't break down like this if it isn't for a good reason. Please tell me so I can help you."

"It's just...this boy-" "Yeosang?" Jongho nodded. Words started to flow out of him without him really knowing what he was saying:

"He is messing with my head and I don't know what to do about it. I couldn't take my eyes of him for the whole performance. It was as if I were in trance. And then we had to meet him and his cousin and I just...I just couldn't breath anymore." Jonghos expression was desperate, desperate for some kind of solution to what was going on in him. He inhaled and exhaled shakily.