Tell the neighbors I said bye

Chapter 8- Xander present

How could I live with myself like this? My world is falling apart, and there is nothing left for me to absolutely love again. My best friend is gone and my fiance is half way around the world helping homeless hungry children in africa. she wont be back until July. Its the middle of January, there is a blanket of snow covering the ground. Any other time i might have been able to enjoy it, but without Avery nothing is the same. I can't find the happy, beautiful things about life. Avery was my life. I was the wealthiest man alive when I had her. She made me complete. We were ying and yang. She and I were two parts to our whole. I felt an incredibly large gap in my chest when I was without her.

I read more of the letter, it wasnt at all what i was hoping for. I couldn't take it anymore. I was an awful person and it's eating me up inside. I was killing myself from the inside. I wish that i told you sooner. i wish that you would understand what's happening to me. But to be quite honest, i dont even know what's happening to me. Everyday i wake up and feel a burning hole in my soul, like i've never done any good in my life. No matter how much i tried to hid it, it was always there. No amount of make up, clothes, any materialistic object could hide it. I would get horrible night terrors and yet not be able to do anything about it. Nothing would make them go away.

I decided that I didn't need this. I called all of the family and tried to make funeral arrangements. No funeral home seemed to want to perform a cermony for a girl who committed suicide. It seemed like nothing was going my way today.

When i finally caved and called Allison, my ex, she was more then good to me. No matter how bad things were when we broke up, she still cared about Avery. She still was helpful for me, she understood the bond we had. Thinking about the bond we shared, made the pain hurt more being that she didn't tell me about her pain, or that she was cutting, or that she was going to commit suicide. I don't remember falling asleep, but I had an awful nightmare: Avery was screaming at me, "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU COULD HAVE SAVED ME! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SIGNS! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME IN PAIN! YOUR PATHETIC! I HATE YOU!" I jolted awake.
Well now I'm awake, I might as well read more of her letter,
No matter how much i tried to hid it, it was always there. No amount of make up, clothes, any materialistic object could hide it. I would get horrible night terrors and yet not be able to do anything about it. Nothing would make them go away. I couldn't tell you. As much as i wanted to, as much as my heart screamed for me to tell you, i just couldn't. I couldn't find the words, i couldnt tell you how awful of a person i was, and am. Xander, you were the world's best brother, but as much as i trusted you, it hurt me to much to say the truth. It hurt me too much to want to tell you that my world was collapsing in on me. I felt like i was suffacating. i couldnt breathe.

I decided I couldn't keep reading. It hurt me too much. To me Avery was perfect. Me reading that her world was killing her, it was killing me. How could I have not known. Before I knew it, I was sobbing. Not the kind where you kinda cry, but like scream crying feeling like someone just ripped out your heart. It's the kinda that doesn't stop, and when it does, you get maybe a minute before the pain and guilt makes you cry again. I don't understand, no I can't understand why Avery left. She left me alone in this world. When mom and dad died, it was hard, but loosing Avery is much harder for me. It's like loosing yourself and your best friend at the same time. I'm lost with out her.....

A/n: Hello my lovely's. So I finally updated (yes!). I'm sorry it took so long. I'm working very hard to figure out how to write this right. Please follow me, comment and vote. Thanks
Happy Reading

-yours truly
Cate