All for the Sake of Pleasure

Chapter 26

Kakashi shifted in his uncomfortable seat for what must have been the thousandth time. The hard plastic he sat on was even more unforgiving than stone – at least stone had the hope of wearing away over time. No, these things would never get even get close to approaching bearable. Whoever had designed hospital chairs must have been a sadistic bastard.
Glancing over at the two unconscious elite shinobi, Kakashi desperately wanted to wring their necks after he got a few answers out of them. But, no matter how angry he was, he couldn't hurt them. At some point in the past seven days of binge drinking, he had discovered he wasn't as coldhearted as he had led everyone, himself included, to believe.
Why else would he have preferred drowning himself in alcohol instead of just going to talk to Iruka? Why did he refuse to discuss things with Tsunade or one of his ex-students? Simple. Because he did not want to have his heart shredded once again. He did not want to hear from someone else that Iruka had been telling the truth. And he did not go back to his lover because Iruka had made his decision clear with that single locked window.
Kakashi had never thought it necessary to have a partner...until Iruka. He had been raised by a single father and knew countless people who were comfortable with their solitary lives. Truthfully, he had enjoyed the silence of his apartment and the predictability of his day to day life. And he would have been content to live his life as he had since he was orphaned at eight years old – alone. For so many years, he had not found someone who he would be willing to change his lifestyle for. He literally had had thousands of lovers in his lifetime but had never felt anything for them. And without fail, no matter how rough or cold he was with them, he could always see that hopeful glimmer in their eyes – as though they were somehow the one. The one to finally snare the infamous Copy Ninja; the one to win his guarded heart. Kakashi had never led them on; he had never once mentioned emotions other than lust. Yet they were always disappointed when Kakashi ended their brief encounter.
Of all the people he slept with, Iruka was the first who never had any expectations. Oh, he wanted Kakashi to be part of Saki's life, but Iruka had never made mention of their relationship. He had never discussed a future together. And ironically, of all the people Kakashi had taken into his bed, Iruka was the only one who never tried to snare him.
He was the only one who did not have that sickening glint of impossible hope every time Kakashi looked at him. Iruka enjoyed the simple pleasure of being together for the present. He was the first person who did not treat Kakashi differently because of his reputation; he did not worship him or fear him as all of Kakashi's previous lovers had. No, in their all-too-brief time together, Iruka had taught Kakashi how to be normal. It was a strategy that no one had ever tried on Kakashi. No one else ever attempted to get a smile or laugh out of him. They never asked Kakashi how his day was, how he was feeling...not even what his favorite color was. They never even got to know him and expected to win his untouchable heart.
But Iruka had done something Kakashi had not even thought to guard himself against. He had done the impossible and seduced Kakashi. He did not use his body or any sexual act to do so. No, he captured Kakashi with his easy conversations and bright, infective laughter. A single smile was all it took for Kakashi to be bending over backwards to accommodate Iruka. A frown or teary eye sent Kakashi's head spinning as he tried everything imaginable to make Iruka feel better.
Iruka did not seem to be aware of his control over Kakashi. If he did, wouldn't he have taken advantage of Kakashi? Anyone else would have. To have the Copy Ninja wrapped around his finger, at his very beck and call; it must be the dream of many a shinobi. What was worse, Kakashi was a willing slave, happy and eager to do anything and everything for Iruka.
Iruka was the only one who had no ulterior motives by sleeping with Kakashi. He had only done what Kakashi had done countless times over the years. He was in their relationship for pleasure, pure and simple. And hadn't Kakashi started sleeping with Iruka for the same reasons?
When had it changed? When had he fallen desperately in love with the one man who made Kakashi, for the first time in his life, feel? Kakashi really could not tell. It seemed like he had always been a little in love with the man who had been his first crush. Getting to know Iruka only made that seed of love flourish until Kakashi was hopelessly smitten. Iruka was the one person Kakashi had trusted so completely, only to learn of Iruka's lies after his heart had thawed. After he had learned to trust and reveal his true self. After he had begun thinking of his future, not as a matter of lonely years until he was killed on some mission, but as a long, rewarding life with Iruka by his side.
That was what hurt most of all – learning about Iruka's lies after he had done something he never thought he would even be considering a year ago. He had decided to share his life with someone else, only to learn that he never really knew Iruka at all. How could he even think about a life with Iruka when he apparently knew nothing about the man who lied about his identity, his relationship with Saki, and even his reasons for sleeping with Kakashi?
How could Kakashi trust anything Iruka said? He so desperately wanted to believe Iruka when the brunet said he loved him. Hadn't his heart filled with joy to the point of bursting when Iruka had said those three amazing words? Images of a possible future with Iruka had flooded his mind when he knew his feelings were finally returned. Only to have those hopes and dreams shattered when Iruka's lies came to light.
Having gone through the past week without any contact with Iruka, Kakashi had found that he could not imagine what his life had been like before meeting Iruka. Before falling hopelessly, ridiculously, and completely in love with a man who could have so ruthlessly lied to him time and again.
Perhaps his buzz was wearing off for him to be having such coherent thoughts – either that or Kakashi had finally become immune to alcohol. A large part of the jounin dreaded the latter explanation. He could not possibly drink himself into oblivion if he was growing too accustomed to the effects of alcohol. For the amount of booze he had already consumed, he should probably be in one of those hospital beds; if he had to drink even more, he would be drinking bars out of their entire inventory. Kakashi had never hated his high tolerance until now.
No amount of sake could make him forget, even for a moment, how much he loved Iruka and Saki. He just drank enough that he did not remember the past week of mourning his destroyed relationship other than the odd flicker of an image or a sound. And even those memories only served to make his head ache every time he tried to recall more of those lost hours.
"You smell like a brewery."
Kakashi winced as a voice pierced his head, that disapproving tone sobering him up faster than had he been drenched in ice water. Looking up from the floor, he found a pair of tired blue eyes studying him curiously. It would not be the first time Naruto had seen him drunk. Hell, he had been outright shit-faced in front of his ex-students...thanks to some strong, home-brewed liquor that Kakashi had gotten for his birthday one year. It might have tasted like crap, as was expected from anything Gai had proclaimed to be his most youthful concoction yet, but it had done its job and made Kakashi's thirtieth birthday a memorable one – so much so, only the one sober member of the party recalled anything that happened after the first round of shots.
And Naruto used the pictures he had taken that night to blackmail Kakashi far too many times since.
"And you look like crap," Kakashi snapped back as he held his head between his hand as though his fingers could protect his head from splitting. If anything, keeping a tight grip on his head told him that he really wasn't rocking or spinning like his lack of equilibrium was trying to tell him he was.
"What happened between you and Iruka?" Naruto asked, his voice surprisingly quiet. A quick glance to the blonde revealed the pitying expression on his ex-student's face and Kakashi could not help but glower at Naruto's immediate response. Naruto might as well as have asked "what did you do?" for the expression he directed at Kakashi. Why was it everyone immediately thought Kakashi had been the one to do something wrong?
"What the hell possessed you to dress Iruka up like a woman?" Kakashi demanded slowly, taking care not to slur his words. At least, to his sensitive ears he sounded comprehensible. From the odd, confused look Naruto gave him, maybe he was a little further gone than he had thought. Somehow, Kakashi bit out one more word, this time certain he was understood if the drain of color from Naruto's tanned face was anything to go by. "Keiko?"
"Oh...you know about that?" Naruto started out softly as he looked down at his hands. "I-It isn't like it sounds. Iruka didn't want to do it...and he didn't tell us that you were the one he slept with – which I have to beat you up for that when I'm feeling better. What kind of ass leaves his pregnant boyfriend all alone!" With that burst of anger, Naruto felt the world spin around him and it was all he could do to keep himself conscious. Kakashi watched as his ex-student weaved, his features turning a sickly pale as though Naruto was moments away from passing out. Serves him right for exhausting himself to the point it took even him a number of days to recover. If it took Naruto well over a week to regain his strength, Sasuke would be here for at least a month.
At the moment, however, Kakashi did not worry about his ex-students. Instead, he was stuck thinking about Naruto's comment. Alone. He had left Iruka all alone. There was no amount of over-thinking or alcohol that could change that one simple fact. Hours or days did not change that lapse in human decency. Kakashi had been a cad and Iruka had every reason to hate him all those months ago. But he didn't. He had named his son after Kakashi's father! He had made Kakashi, in many ways, a permanent part of Saki's life – and gave Kakashi the option to choose just what kind of role he played. How could Iruka have made such a gesture if he felt even a moment of hatred for being left completely alone? No, Iruka had been wonderful, compassionate...
"It was all because of that stupid bet...but at least it's over now that Iruka's slept with you as a man so he can tell Tsunade she was wrong and guys definitely have better sex than girls."
...and a manipulative, heartless bastard!
Naruto knew the moment he fell silent that he had really put his foot in his mouth this time. The anger in his old sensei's visible eye was more than enough to send him scuttling back to the edge of his wall so that he was as far away as possible. But what made Naruto fear for his very life was a far more frightening and unexpected emotion radiating from the silver-haired jounin.
Agony. There was no other way to put the sensation Naruto could feel coming from his ex-sensei, forcing sympathetic tears come to his eyes even as he swallowed heavily, preparing himself for a quick death. There was no way Kakashi would spare him this time. Naruto had unknowingly said some pretty horrible things to offend his genin teacher in the past. Like the time he had jokingly asked Kakashi what rock he crawled out from under only to discover later that Kakashi's childhood friend and teammate had been crushed by a boulder. Or how about the time Naruto blew up at the Copy Ninja and told Kakashi that there was no way he could know what it was like to not have parents? Oh, that one earned him a rightful slap on the head from Sakura when Kakashi was no longer looking at them. Those comments, no matter how awkward and offensive, paled in comparison to his statement this time. He had never actually hurt Kakashi before. His teacher had always been impervious to verbal barbs. But something Naruto said had truly caused him pain.
"A bet, it was just a bet..." Kakashi repeated quietly as he stood up, gripping the chair not only to keep his balance as the room around him spun, but to make sure he did not launch himself across the room and strangle Naruto for his statement. Even in his alcohol-fogged mind, Kakashi knew that he could not kill the messenger. No, Naruto was not the one who deserved his anger and bitter pain.
And yet he could not find it in himself to completely hate Iruka. Not even for an instant. Not for all the pain Iruka had caused him. Because hadn't he done the same exact thing? Hadn't he hurt and abandoned Iruka when the brunet needed him the most?
But at least he had never played with Iruka's emotions. Iruka had never heard a lie cross his lips – he was the only person who could ever boast such a thing. Kakashi could not have given Iruka anything less than the truth. Wasn't that part of loving someone? And, damn it, no matter how much Iruka had hurt him, he still loved the lying bastard.
Then the realization finally hit that he would have preferred not getting to know Iruka, and Kakashi found himself frozen in surprise. In some ways, he was glad Iruka seduced him a year ago. He could not imagine a life without Saki there to brighten his days. But he could have happily gone on living without Iruka making such an impact on him. He could have lived never knowing what love felt like, what it felt to trust and care for someone so completely, what it meant to open up and talk about the most painful memories of his past. Yet, having now once had all of that, all he wanted was that easy, loving relationship back. He now knew from experience that a life without love and companionship was not living. And he had Iruka to thank – and curse – for teaching him that lesson.
He wished he could hate Iruka for making him realize how pitiful and painfully lonely his life had once been. He had been content; he had been comfortable with who he was. And, in just a single year, Iruka had turned his life upside down until Kakashi barely recognized himself.
There was only one choice Kakashi had left.
"Where are you going?" Naruto asked hesitantly as he watched Kakashi stumble towards the window. Kakashi was in no condition to go confront Iruka or do something even more stupid than go have a drunken argument with his lover. Even Naruto knew that much. But his sensei did not turn back; he did not stop for a moment as he gave his answer.
"To see if Gai has anything strong enough to help me forget."
XXX
Iruka glanced up from his son's sleeping face to the clock, which only seemed to tick slower and slower as he waited. It had only been fifteen minutes since he had been shown to Tsunade's office, but it felt like an eternity. A lifetime spent in the same chair as Iruka shifted his napping son from one arm to the other, restless for reasons he could not even consider without losing his desperate grasp on sanity.
Finally, the Hokage slipped into the room, making no sound other than the soft sliding of the door as she shut it behind herself. Iruka turned to watch her, unable to stop the smile from creeping onto his face as he watched the powerful kunoichi visibly melt when she saw Saki. Even with his entire life crumbling around him, some things were painfully familiar and unchanging.
"He's gotten so big!" Tsunade whispered as she moved towards her two favorite brunets, brushing her fingertips against Saki's curling hair that was the exact same shade as his father's. The baby did nothing other than huff in his sleep at her touch. A part of Iruka was beyond glad that Saki had not woken up at Tsunade's tender caress. Seven sleepless nights had already worn him thin. He was not sure if he could deal with Saki starting to scream when Iruka was moments away from doing the very same thing.
Seven days without a word from Kakashi. No attempt to talk things over, no notes or messages from one of the ninken, nothing. Kakashi had disappeared from his life as abruptly as he had entered it a year ago. Iruka had thought nothing could be worse than those two weeks of waiting for Kakashi to come home from his mission. He had been so very wrong. It was far more painful to know that Kakashi was somewhere in the village, making no attempt to even see his son, much less talk to Iruka.
He did not expect Kakashi to forgive him easily, but Iruka knew just how much Saki meant to the jounin. There was no way their argument would make Kakashi want to take his anger out on the baby, was there? Or, a dark, depressive side of Iruka had to point out, did he and Saki really mean that little to Kakashi that he would give up on them so quickly?
"You haven't been sleeping lately," Tsunade pointed out quietly, tearing Iruka from his thoughts. The brunet looked to her in surprise, as though he had completely forgotten she was not only in the room, but mere inches from him.
"I've had things on my mind..." Iruka started out softly, unsure if he wanted to discuss his wrecked relationship with the Hokage. Would she understand that he could not fall asleep in his own bed because of the dreams that tortured him throughout the night? Of memories of having Kakashi sleeping next to him? Of loving him?
"So I've heard." Tsunade moved across to the other side of her desk and, with a practiced hand, pulled a bottle of sake out from a hidden drawer. Pushing the bottle of alcohol across the desk to Iruka, she watched him for a reaction, but he refused to either elaborate on his comment or take the sake.
"I've had some interesting conversations in the past few days. Naruto, for one, seems to think you hate him. You haven't visited the hospital once since the rescue team returned," Tsunade stated as she sat down in her chair, her eyes never leaving Iruka. She could see Iruka's exhaustion was beyond just a few sleepless nights. No, whatever was bothering Iruka was something he dealt with in his waking hours as well. Whatever it was, it was something that scared Tsunade. Iruka never missed visiting hours when his brother was admitted for his injuries. And, as she watched Iruka glance down at his son, she knew Iruka's problems went far beyond the stress of being a single parent.
"I-I've been busy," Iruka stammered his excuse, his heart plummeting as he realized Tsunade was right. He had not even thought to visit Naruto and Sasuke, he was so distraught over his argument with Kakashi. What kind of person was he that he could forget about his own family members?
"Too busy to make sure your brother was alright? That isn't like you, Iruka," Tsunade mentioned as she moved to pour herself a cup of sake. She had the feeling she was going to need it. "I've also heard you signed up to take more hours at the academy and hired a nanny. And though I think Hinata is the perfect person to watch over Saki, you really do not have to go back to your normal shifts just yet. Let her take him for a few hours every day – give yourself some time for you."
The dread in Iruka's eyes at that suggestion was plain to see. Tsunade furrowed her eyebrows, wondering what could have gotten into Iruka that he did not want to have any alone time. It was one thing to want to be around his son all the time, but this was not the normal fawning of a parent...no, it was bordering on an obsession. It was as though Iruka was afraid to be alone.
"What happened?" she asked as she watched Iruka for any unspoken indication that could explain his odd behavior the past few days. No, it was not just the last few days. Tsunade had silently watched as Iruka's stress visibly grew before her eyes for the past several weeks. It had started around the time Naruto was left behind on his mission. With a small start and stifled gasp, Tsunade realized just when Iruka begun looking so tired, pale, and otherwise unlike himself. It was right after the rescue mission had left. He had been so worried the next day that nearly everyone had noted it and mentioned it to Tsunade. And that was when Tsunade started to watch her favorite academy teacher a little more closely.
She had assumed Iruka was worried for his brother; perhaps there was more to it than that. Thinking back, Tsunade listed the shinobi that had gone on the rescue mission. It would have been understandable that Iruka was worried not only for Naruto, but Sasuke as well as a number of his old students that had gone on the mission. But she could feel Iruka's concern went far beyond the worry he felt for past students.
When it finally hit her, Tsunade stared at Iruka in amazement. So the rumors were true.
There were whispers about Iruka spending time with someone, though Tsunade had never heard anyone say this mystery person's name. There was a rumor going around that Iruka had gotten a live-in babysitter, but Tsunade that thought that was ridiculous. Iruka wouldn't trust anyone besides Naruto and Sasuke that much with Saki's well-being. Then there was the way people spoke of Iruka's mysterious house guest in hushed tones. As though they were afraid of being overheard. As if this anonymous person would not want anyone discussing his private life. And there was only one person Tsunade knew who was so awe-inspiring and secretive that the village refused to even speak his name when talking about rumors concerning him.
"You and Kakashi?" she squeaked as she replayed the past few months of rumors she had heard. Stories of the strangest sightings many people had ever seen: a silver-haired jounin with a baby in his arms. Tsunade had not asked or even wondered about the genius walking around with a child. For all of his sexual exploits, Tsunade had assumed Kakashi had finally run out of luck and got some poor girl pregnant. She remembered hearing people commenting on how a certain one-eyed shinobi seemed to be happier and, amazingly, less perverse than normal. Then again, fatherhood did that to a man. Tsunade had not wanted to be nosy. She had simply thought that, if Kakashi wanted her to know for certain that he had a child, he would be the one to introduce her to his son or daughter.
"We...w-were...b-b-bu-but..." Iruka stammered as he looked down to his son, his eyes filling with tears so quickly, Tsunade did not get a chance to grab a nearby tissue before there were salty streams down his cheeks. With the first sob that wracked Iruka's frame, Tsunade regretted prying for information. She had not meant to make him cry, but how was she to know that something had happened between him and Kakashi?
"What happened?" Tsunade prodded, starting to understand a few of the rumors. Kakashi had been seen with Saki, not some other baby. He had been more content because, for the first time in his life, he had found someone who was more to him than a one-night stand. Perhaps Kakashi had finally found someone who was brave enough – and perhaps crazed enough – to want to spend a lifetime with him, judging from the sudden change that had gone through Kakashi a few weeks ago. And, from some disturbing rumors she had heard in the past few days, Tsunade knew for certain that Kakashi had taken his split from Iruka badly. Why else would she have heard stories about a lanky, masked jounin being drunk past the point of indecency?
And judging from Iruka's reddened eyes, Kakashi was not the only one who was emotionally distraught. But why would they have broken up so quickly if they were so obviously crazy for one another? Why would they put themselves through this kind of agony, unless there was a reason for it?
Tsunade got the answer to her questions in a few brief, teary words from Iruka. "He...he found...out..." Iruka choked between sobs as he looked down at his son. Saki shifted in his sleep, rolling towards Iruka's chest and snuggling closer to the brunet's vest.
The Hokage's mouth dropped open as her gaze jumped between Iruka and his son so quickly, she gave herself a headache. The pain, however, was pushed to the side as she thought about the implications of Iruka's emotional response. There was really only one thing Kakashi could have 'found out,' and the realization that the jounin now knew about Saki's unique parentage made her gasp. Kakashi broke up with Iruka because of Iruka's one night spent as a woman? He broke up with him because Iruka had hidden his true relationship with Saki?
Tsunade could not help but see red as she thought about her favorite jutsu master. Kakashi was an ass if that was the only thing keeping him from being with Iruka. And he was doubly a bastard for putting Iruka through this kind of pain.
Iruka had not asked for his relationship with Kakashi – he had always been a bit of a lone wolf. In all the years Tsunade had known the brunet, Iruka had never had a serious relationship. But for him to have Kakashi all but move in – to trust Kakashi to take care of his son? That was more than just a passing fling. But why would their relationship have progressed so quickly? Why would Iruka have trusted a near-stranger with not only his son, but obviously his heart as well?
Then a thought hit her that made the Hokage look at Saki in a whole new light and Tsunade nearly choked on her sake. The baby's skin and hair matched his chuunin father's, but there was something else about Saki's features. It could be the fact that the baby was only six months old, but Saki's face did not resemble Iruka's. It was a little narrower, a little more feminine, than Tsunade's mental picture of Iruka as a baby. Then there were Saki's blue eyes. She had originally thought Saki's eyes would darken to a brown or black, like Iruka's. Yet, six months after his birth and Saki's eyes were not darkening. No, if anything, they were becoming an even more impressive sapphire.
And she knew one shinobi who, if he ever let someone look closely at his natural eye in the right light, possessed that same exact shade of blue. There was one man whose entire face she had never seen, so she could not compare Saki's features to his. But she could see the other similarities glaring at her. The speed at which Saki was advancing, easily doing things children nearly twice his age were still trying to master. The genius mind that the baby possessed which he revealed by understanding everything going on around him. There was so much about Saki that did not match with Iruka...but a very different shinobi.
"Kakashi? You slept with Kakashi that night!" Had it not been for the fact she was already sitting down, Tsunade would have probably fallen into her chair in shock. "What were you thinking?" she added, her voice not judgmental, but curious.
"H-He's bi...a-a-and he doesn't...he doesn't take r-relationships...seriously." Iruka let out a soft wail that Tsunade could tell would have been much louder had it not been for his son in his arms. Tsunade could not help but be thankful for Saki's presence. Anything to keep Iruka from falling apart was a blessing. She needed to get some answers out of the brunet and having him bawling would not help matters. Even with Saki in his arms, Iruka's shoulders shook as he tried to keep from sobbing.
"So Kakashi is Saki's other father?" Tsunade asked slowly, wanting to make sure her thoughts were following the right path. Because, if they were, she was going to go wring Kakashi's thin, pale neck when she was done with Iruka. Not only did he leave Iruka pregnant, alone, and afraid, but he had wormed his way into Iruka's heart. He had become a part of Saki's life and he had just as easily walked right back out.
"I-I don't even know anymore," Iruka admitted with a hoarse, pained chuckle as his gaze shifted to his son's face. He did not know if it was wishful thinking or months of assuming Saki was Kakashi's son, but he could clearly see the resemblance to his ex-boyfriend. How could Kakashi not see those same similarities?
But, in seven days without any real sleep, Iruka had more than enough time to think over a few things. What if Kakashi was right? What if Saki was not his son? Iruka was proof that stranger things could happen. He was a man, yet conceived and carried a child...could it be just another quirk of his pregnancy that Kakashi had not fathered Saki? Could Iruka be entirely to blame for Saki's existence?
The more he considered that possibility, the more Iruka desperately clung to the idea. If Kakashi had no biological ties to Saki, then Iruka did not have to feel so betrayed that the jounin no longer visited the baby. After all, without proof of his fatherhood, Kakashi had no reason to stick around. The jounin could go back to his old life and, perhaps in time, Iruka could get used to the pain he felt every time he thought about Kakashi. But Iruka's heart broke at the memory of Kakashi denying being Saki's father. The anguish and sheer longing – those were not the emotions of a man who would have been glad to find out he had nothing to do with Saki's conception.
"What do you mean?" Tsunade asked, confused. If Iruka had slept with Kakashi, then there was little doubt who fathered Saki. The brunet had not had a string of lovers as he paraded around as a woman, so it was not a matter of figuring out which partner was Saki's father.
"Kakashi...he refused to admit...that Saki was his," Iruka whispered as he brushed the back of his hand against his son's rounded cheek. Swallowing heavily, he found the courage to look up at the Hokage and finally tell her the full side of his story. "I slept with him...and when you told me I was pregnant, I went to see him...as Keiko. He was fuming when I told him...he said Saki wasn't his. After the baby was born, I kept trying to tell him Saki was his. Finally, we got into an argument and, in a fit of anger, Kakashi told me...h-he told me he's sterile."
"Whaaa?" Tsunade found herself leaning forward in her chair, hanging on Iruka's words. This was a side of the Copy Ninja that she had never heard about. She had never heard of him getting angry, much less to the point he would let slip such a personal detail about himself. Then there was the medical ailment that Kakashi had never mentioned to her and she had never come across it when looking over his file. And she knew, once Iruka was done speaking, she would be pulling up Kakashi's medical records.
"S-Since he was seventeen. Apparently he was injured on a mission; h-he didn't like talking about it," Iruka explained as he shifted in his seat. Strangely, he felt a little better talking to the Hokage about everything. Then again, he had been bottling up his emotions for so many months, it just felt good to finally unleash it.
"Hold on a minute," Tsunade stated as she stood up. With little more than a wave of her hand, she summoned a large file cabinet from the other side of the Hokage Tower. She was not going to take the time to walk across the building, chancing getting caught by her secretary or another shinobi and being forced to postpone her discussion with Iruka.
Iruka watched as the blonde rifled through the drawers, mumbling softly under her breath. He could only guess she was reading names off the folders she was flipping through. Finally, she let out a cackle of victory as she pulled out the thickest file Iruka had ever seen.
"I-Is that Kakashi's file?" Iruka asked in a mixture of awe and unease. No shinobi was supposed to be privy to another's records, much less have the Hokage herself go through the file with them. Even though a part of Iruka thought he of all people deserved to know a bit more about Kakashi, he could not help but see it as the worst invasion of privacy.
"Pfft." Tsunade gestured to the three-drawer filing cabinet as she moved back towards her desk. "That is Kakashi's cabinet – you have no idea how much paperwork that man puts me through, between sexual harassment cases, late mission reports, complaints and otherwise being himself." Sitting back down in her seat, she leaned back and began flipping through the folder that had been unlabeled. In the messy filing system of Hokages, both past and present, it meant the contained information about Kakashi's years as ANBU. Of course, there were many unmarked files in those drawers, but this was the only one that had the blue page that indicated the beginning of a medical report.
Kakashi was a stubborn bastard; Tsunade had come to learn that within her first few weeks in office. He had very few formal medical reports, preferring to heal himself or ignore his injuries altogether. She had him pop in more than once, bleeding all over her desk, as he told her to redo stitches he had obviously tied himself, somehow missing the fact a major vein had been nicked. What about when he staggered in with a concussion or hobbled in with a broken leg? If she ever started writing up reports for all of those quick fixes, Kakashi wouldn't need just a filing cabinet, but an entire room. But she never argued with Kakashi – she could sense he had an extreme dislike of being admitted into hospitals. And, as she started reading the medical report, she understood why, of all the things to avoid, Kakashi hated hospital stays.
In horror, Tsunade found herself focusing on certain words as she read through the emotionless declaration of a medic who obviously did not have a moment of sympathy for the nameless, faceless ANBU he had stitched up before sending him off to go on another mission.
Seventeen. Severe blood loss, malnutrition and dehydration. Torture. Emotional instability and paranoia. Heavy sedation required. Sexual abuse. Mutilation of genitalia.
Tsunade did not realize that tears were already filling her eyes and spilling down her cheeks as she flipped through page upon page of detailed statements on Kakashi's injuries. For him to have survived such an ordeal was a feat in and of itself, but to have actually have grown into a somewhat normal, reasonably well-adjusted adult was incredible. Tsunade quickly flipped past the gruesome pictures, knowing that those images would haunt her if she looked at them too long. Even a glimpse of them was enough to turn her stomach.
But, perhaps worst of all was the end of the unfeeling report on Kakashi's injuries. There was no regret in those few, concise words. There was no room for debate or even hope. There was nothing other than the cold, unfeeling characters written a medic who somehow had overlooked that he was not treating just a patient, but a terrified seventeen year old boy with no family and, from what Tsunade had heard about Kakashi's past, no friends. Kakashi was not just another patient, he was a lonely boy who had just been raped and tortured for weeks.
Patient was informed that he will be permanently sterile from injuries and resulting scar tissue.
Iruka watched in sick fascination as Tsunade finally dropped the report on her desk, her hands trembling. Whatever he had been expecting her to find in those pages, he had not been expecting the horror or revulsion that filled her face as she covered her mouth to muffle a sob.
What could have possibly happened for Tsunade to have such a powerful reaction from just reading a medical report? Iruka could not help but feel a flicker of fear as he ran through every possible scenario that could have evoked such a response from the Hokage. And what he came up with made Iruka flinch in self disgust for forcing Kakashi to recall that time in his life. Iruka had unknowingly forced him to remember his inability to father children – and the horrific and gruesome mission that resulted in it.
Finally, after several minutes of deep breathing and silent tears, Tsunade found the ability to speak without her voice cracking with emotion. "H-He...he was hurt, Iruka..." Tsunade said so quietly, Iruka had to strain his ears to hear her raspy words. "The fact he is actually able to have sex is a miracle...the chances of him ever having children, though..." Nonexistent. Tsunade could not say it, so she shook her head in dejection. Wounds like Kakashi's were not merely a matter of healing torn or cut tissue. Short of complete castration, Kakashi could not have been more injured. And, in some ways, castration may have been more humane. At least then Kakashi would not have that tiny glint of impossible hope that his injuries would heal, that the scar tissue would lessen. Castration would have at least given Kakashi physical proof that he could never have a child of his own, instead of leading him on with the infinitely small chance.
"He was right..." Iruka whispered, his voice questioning as though he could not believe Tsunade's words, though her tears told him that she could not lie about something like this. Whatever it was that the report said, Pakkun had left out quite a bit by just saying that Kakashi had been injured on a mission. Injured was not the word...mutilated might have been a better term, judging from Tsunade's reaction.
Kakashi was not Saki's father.
That realization did not shock Iruka as much as he would have previously thought. No, instead of surprise, all he could feel was a deep regret. Kakashi would have made a wonderful father; he loved Saki more than Iruka thought possible. Sure, he made mistakes while he was taking care of Saki, but so had Iruka. Kakashi, however, had made every attempt to learn how to be a parent, whether he himself realized what he was doing. He had stuffed parenting books in his Icha Icha covers, as though Iruka wouldn't notice that he was not reading his normal smutty literature. He had learned every one of Saki's cries; he had found ways to calm the baby down and make him laugh in a way only Kakashi could accomplish. He had done so much, knowing there was not a snowball's chance in hell Saki was his.
"Not necessarily," Tsunade said softly as she shifted in her seat, her eyes trained on the baby. It could not be coincidence that Saki took after Kakashi. It could not be simply spending so much time with the jounin that left Saki with such startling similarities to the Copy Ninja. "Though highly unlikely, I still want to do a test..."
"Another one of your tests?" Iruka said, his voice holding unease. The last time Tsunade spoke of tests, Iruka was still pregnant and she wanted to observe him like he was some kind of human guinea pig. He was not about to have his privacy destroyed to soothe her curiosity.
"A paternity test. Nothing invasive, just a tissue sample. It would take a few days to get the results, but you would know without a doubt who Saki's father is...you or Kakashi..." Tsunade watched Iruka for a response, surprised when he did not immediately jump at the opportunity. Instead, the brunet seemed to be uncertain. "It changes nothing, Iruka. You are Saki's family, but don't Saki and Kakashi deserve to know if they are related?"
"O-Okay, but you won't talk to Kakashi about this?" Iruka asked quietly as he shifted the baby in his arms. "I want to talk to him first...he deserves that much..." Kakashi deserved much more, but Iruka was not sure how much Kakashi was willing to accept from him after hurting him so badly.
"I doubt Kakashi wants to come near me for a while, so no problem there," Tsunade pointed out, mentally adding that the only chance she would see Kakashi was if they both were in the same bar at the same time. And even then, the Sharingan wielder would probably disappear before his Hokage could see him in such a state. Shinobi were odd in that way, especially those who clung to their pride like Kakashi. As though she would think less of them if she saw them drunk – if anything, Tsunade respected Kakashi all the more for his past week of intoxication. Finally, she knew just how much it took to send Kakashi over the edge. She finally had proof that the Copy Ninja had feelings just like anyone else. Looking at Iruka – the one person who was able to harm Kakashi where countless enemy shinobi failed – she could not help but smile sadly. Kakashi may not believe Saki to be his, but the proof of it could destroy him, dashing what little hope he had left.
"It would make things easier if I had a sample from Kakashi as well..."
"I...um..." Iruka stammered for a moment, wondering how the hell he was going to get Kakashi to go along with his plan. He did not want to get Kakashi's hopes up...not that the jounin was talking to him right now anyways. Then he remembered he had one thing that could help him avoid asking Kakashi for help. Iruka slipped his free hand into his jacket, pulling out a small scroll that had been resting over his heart. Iruka studied the scroll with mournful eyes before he quickly handed it over to the Hokage.
Tsunade raised an eyebrow at the miniature scroll, but she still opened it and could not help but drop her jaw as she read over the summoning scroll. It was not merely a scroll to summon Kakashi or another shinobi, which was an easy enough thing to create. No, this was a miniature summoning scroll for Kakashi's hounds. And it had a streak of dried blood through the characters already, blood that must be Kakashi's.
"Need I ask?"
Kakashi called it a two-week anniversary present; Iruka had called it the greatest gift of his life at the time. The scroll showed that Kakashi trusted him not simply with his body, but his precious ninken – the only family Kakashi had. It was the first indication Iruka had that Kakashi felt something for him, something more than just desire.
"He wrote it out...in case I needed Pakkun and the other ninken. I just had to sign my name," Iruka admitted quietly as he tried to forget the day Kakashi gave him the small box with an obscenely large bow that dwarfed the present it was on. Of course, Kakashi was surprisingly generous, giving gifts to Iruka for the smallest of things – and he outright spoiled Saki. But Iruka had known that present was different even before he opened the box.
And it physically hurt to hand over his one reminder of Kakashi's love. But if it meant knowing the truth about Saki, Iruka could part with his most precious possession for a little while.
XXX
Iruka shifted Saki in his arms, the baby squealing as though he knew where they were. Slipping into the hospital room, the brunet tried to move quietly, but froze when he felt eyes burning holes into him.
"Oh, you're visiting me now?"
Tears pricked Iruka's eyes at the hurt tone in his brother's voice. It had been a week that Naruto had been in the hospital, but it had also been one hell of a week for Iruka. Glancing across the room, Iruka caught a glimpse of his little brother and almost burst out into tears when he saw the strained look of exhaustion on Naruto's face. Quickly, Iruka moved across the room and climbed into Naruto's bed.
Despite being tired, Naruto still happily took his little nephew as Saki let out a mew, wiggling to get out of his father's arms and into his uncle's. The baby squeaked as he clung to Naruto's chest, obviously deliriously happy to have the blonde back. Iruka watched in silence, tears filling his eyes as he realized he may never again hear that cute, unique giggle Saki let out every time he saw Kakashi. If Tsunade's test showed what he feared most, would Kakashi leave? Or would Kakashi not care that he shared no biological ties with Saki?
To keep his thoughts from going down a depressing route, Iruka instead focused on his brother. "How are you feeling?" Iruka asked softly as his gaze shifted to the other bed in the room, where Sasuke was slowly moving to sit up, his hair poking out every which way in a cute reminder of his childhood haircut. Of course, with his longer hair, he now looked more like he stuck his finger in a socket.
"Like shit – the Kyuubi really did a number this time, but Sakura said I can go home tonight, but I have to relax for a while. They said Sasuke-"
"Hey dumbass, did anyone ever tell you that your voice could wake the dead?" Sasuke grumbled from his bed as he slipped out from underneath his crumpled sheets, shuffling across the floor and coming to crawl into Naruto's bed. With a wordless greeting in the way of a gentle kiss on Iruka's cheek, the powerful ANBU member simply curled up next to his uke and fell back asleep with one arm protectively wrapped around Naruto's waist.
"Sasuke is on bed rest for two weeks, though," Naruto whispered, his tone still holding smug satisfaction that reminded Iruka of his childhood rivalry with his lover. Despite his exhaustion and overall miserable state, Iruka could not help but smile.
"How are you doing, Iruka?" Naruto asked, his tone surprisingly serious for someone who was just mocking his lover for coming to his rescue and nearly dying in the process. Gently, the blonde wrapped his free hand around Iruka's, his touch comforting the brunet. "I know you and Kakashi had a few problems...he came by this morning..."
"H-How is he?" Iruka hated himself for the quiver of desperation that entered his voice at that question, as though he was some addict and Kakashi his drug of choice. And, just like any other addict, Iruka would do just about anything to get his fix. Maybe, if Naruto and Sasuke helped him, he could find a way to apologize to Kakashi. Perhaps, if and when Kakashi forgave him, they could start over, this time without lies and secrets. Instead, they could build a real relationship and together, no matter what Tsunade's test discovered, raise Saki as their son.
"The truth?" Naruto asked as he glanced down at his nephew. Saki only smiled up at him, his smirk surprisingly reminiscent of Kakashi's perverse grin that always warned him and his teammates that their teacher was up to something.
Iruka glanced at Naruto, his raised eyebrow revealing his curiosity. The blonde shrugged his shoulders in response. "Not good. He really took your mission badly, huh?" Naruto asked as he studied his brother, seeing the watery glimmer in Iruka's eyes that told him he was in for at least a good half-hour of crying on Iruka's part.
"He doesn't trust me anymore...even wh-when I told him...th-that I love him..." Iruka sniffled as he wiped at his eyes furiously, refusing to shed a single tear for his ex-lover. Hadn't he cried enough for what they had once had? But that knowledge did not make him feel any better. If anything, he wanted to keep crying until he had nothing left. Perhaps then, he could start to feel like himself again. Though, so long as Kakashi refused to come near him, Iruka knew he could never go back to a normal life.
"You did lie to him for a year," Naruto pointed out and before his brother could give a retort, he continued. "I understand why you did it...but you also hurt him. Kakashi doesn't open up to people easily. Shit, Sasuke and I have known him for years and we still know next to nothing about him. But you got under his skin...you made him fall in love with you."
Iruka sat back, stunned at the level of maturity Naruto was showing. If it was another time, he would have demanded to know what this imposter did with his little brother. Iruka could only guess that, having seen Kakashi, Naruto knew just how much Iruka had hurt his lover, and was rather angry for Kakashi's sake.
"I never made him do anything! I just wanted him to know Saki...and now I don't even know if Saki is his!" Iruka cried out hoarsely as he threw his hands up in frustration. From the wide-eyed stares from Saki and Naruto as well as a sleepy, confused look from Sasuke, he had surprised all of them with his outburst.
"Who else would Saki's father be? You only slept with Kakashi, right?" Naruto asked softly as he looked down at his nephew. No, Saki had to be Kakashi's son...how else could he explain that curve of his eye when he smiled?
"Kakashi was the only one...but...but he can't have children," Iruka stated, refusing to go into any more detail about his ex-lover's private life. He knew that, if Kakashi was not even comfortable discussing such things with him, he sure as hell would not talk to Naruto and Sasuke about it.
"Whaaa?" Naruto's annoyance disappeared as he studied his nephew under a new light. Could it be possible that his similarities to Kakashi were just coincidence and spending so much time with the jounin? Surely Saki could learn how to smile like Kakashi, but what about his eyes? They were not the same shade as Iruka's, but a dark color like Kakashi's.
"Tsunade's doing a test to see if Saki shares any genes with Kakashi...if not...well, he's completely mine, I guess..." Iruka whispered with a shrug of his shoulders. He had yet to have the reality of it set in – and he refused to seriously think about it until he had the test results. Hypothesizing was one thing, but planning for his future was another thing entirely. What happened if Kakashi was not Saki's father? Would he still want to spend time with the baby or would he just disappear? Iruka did not know if he could go back to a life raising his son alone, having now had Kakashi's help and support for a short while. Worst of all, would Kakashi even want to know the truth?
And as much as Iruka needed to know the truth of his son's existence, he was terrified of what that simple test would tell him and what it might mean for his chances of having a future with Kakashi.