no one ever said long distance would be easy(vent)

9 1 1

by judemahler

by judemahler

this is base on true events and conversations

tw:mentions of suicide, attempts at suicide, self harm, dark content

Anceit(virgil x janus)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Janus had been dating Virgil for about 4 months. They had met 2 months before they started dating. Both men were very suicidal. and it was difficult do to the fact that Virgil lived in a different contry. Janus lived in the USA where Virgil lived in the UK. there towns were 4021 miles away.

J: hey V u up?

V: yeah whats up?

J: i just selfed harmed again i miss you

V: i know love but no one ever said that long distance would be easy

V: you should get some sleep

J: ik but this time seems to be the only time we can talk due to the fact that my parents cant know about you

See Janus parents were very religious and he couldn't be who he wanted to be......who THEY wanted to be. Janus home life was very ........ crappy you could say.

After awhile Virgil stopped replying this scared Janus to the point where he kept pills in his room to overdose. After about a week Virgil finally relpied.(this next part is a real conversation)

V:I don't know why, but I want to apologise. So, I'm sorry. There, I said it. My bad habit is just being fueled by feeling bad, my anxiety playing up and my nights getting later and later. I feel like I've done something wrong when I know I haven't and that's with everyone I speak to.

I hate that I have a habit of apologisingI often even apologise for being happyIt isn't healthy or normal and I know that but I'm sorry anywayAnd if I apologise and someone tells me not to, that just triggers another apologySorry for the ventI just had to get it outI know I've been a crappy boyfriend to you and I understand if you don't want to stay together.It's just been a constant battle with my suicidal thoughts and sometimes actionsI can barely keep a routine and every day is a rollercoaster. It could go from being a perfect day where I feel perfectly happy to something tiny going wrong and I feel like shitI'm sorryHa...I did it againI said sorryI'm just bad for you..."how many times can a person say sorry before you have to admit that they're just bad for you"I don't actually mean any of this...what am I sayingI don't want to be alone, I love you more than anythingBut my mind is a bitch...just forget I said any of this...

It took Janus a couple days to reply due to their family but this is what they said back.

J:its fine i want to stay together and im sorry for not replying my life is shit and i have several ways to kill myself in my room rn

i wanted to say happy 4 monthi want to stay togetheri knew what i was getting into when we started datingjust please dont leave me and if you do have a family memeber tell me so i can join youi believe you are my soulmatei will do my best to give you courageyour all i talk about at work that how much you mean to meas it is im crying writing thisive hated not replying to youi love youi always willeven if you dont love me backand i ask one thing of you just like you did mestay alive until i can protect youif you think about killing yourself look at the date that im arriving in to remember what you live forbecause without you i have nothing to live for

At that piont Janus had to go to sleep. But the next day they checked to see if Virgil replied in which he had.

V:I love you so much Janus. I don't talk about you much but that's just because I feel like my family don't completely approve of me having you so far away.

I will hold onI'll hold on for as long as I can I promiseAs long as you don't leave me first

and with an "I promise" to Virgil they continued with their lives.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------this was a real conversation I had with my bf

689 words