The Smile Has Left Your Eyes

Chapter Five

Aspen

I didn't know what it meant at first. I didn't understand it. But the older I got, the more I was able to recognize that feeling.

It wasn't my gaze that shifted. No, I'd always looked at Rafe differently. The second I realized exactly what that meant, I wanted to make it go away.

I didn't like the idea of being gay, of being attracted to guys. I tried everything that came to mind to change it, to reassure myself that it wasn't the case. My family, friends, and the people in this city had drilled this ideology into my skull: Being homosexual was a sin.

Being gay was disgusting.

Unnatural.

Wrong.

I tried to brainwash the haunting revelation out of me. Video after video. I stared and studied the naked women, but there was nothing. No arousal, no attraction, nothing.

That was the last straw that made everything finally click. Of course, I felt nothing. The sexual aspect of women had nothing to do with me... and I wanted nothing to do with them.

I couldn't be gay. I didn't want to be gay...

Yet I was undeniably in love with my male best friend.

"Aspen!" The voice startled me and had me slamming my laptop shut. Rafe peeked his head into my room, his body still standing outside the door. "What are you doing? I called your name like five times. My dad's here to pick me up. I'll see you Monday!"

"R-right," I stuttered as my best friend turned on his heel. I couldn't help but watch him leave, my eyes raking over him from head to toe. "See you later..."

I couldn't like Rafe like that. I shouldn't.

But I did.

"What was that?" Alex knitted his brows together tightly with a mixed look of confusion and disgust on his face as he leaned against the short stretch of wall between our bedroom doors.

"What?"

"Why were you looking at Rafe like that?" he snarled, stomping into my room.

I turned my desk chair to face Alex. "L-like what?"

"Like you were checking him out."

I held my breath, creating a long pause between us. "Hey, Alex," I started, "can I tell you a secret?"

"What is it?" He placed himself on the edge of my bed.

"Promise you won't tell mom or dad?"

"Just tell me what it is," he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I—'' nerves stunted my voice. I'd never said the words out loud before: "I'm gay."

Alex's head snapped up to mine, his eyes staring daggers into me. "Gay? You can't be gay. You're not gay, Aspen."

"I am, though..."

"Why would you think that?" Aggression slipped into his sharp tone. "You're only in seventh grade. You're too young to know."

"I—like Rafe. Like, I think I have a crush on him..." My words were breathless.

"You're not gay!" Alex's voice rose as he spoke through clenched teeth.

The weird feeling I got when he denied my sexual orientation only made me more certain of it. "I'm gay, Alex."