Dear Anxiety

The First Letter

    Dear Anxiety,

I hate you. You have made my life harder in many ways.

I wake up and you are present, breathing down my neck telling me that something will go wrong if I get out of bed that day. I go through my day, always looking over my shoulder for an unknown threat that you have warned me is there. I can not see this threat, but because of you I can feel its presence hindering my thoughts. My hands will shake by your hands during the entirety of my day. Even when I am lying in my bed at night you are there, haunting my thoughts about everything I had said and done throughout the hours of the day that were wrong.

You make me believe that everybody I come across hates me. When I am out in public I feel the nonexistent eyes attached to me, I feel that all the bystanders are staring at me and judging me. I squeeze my eyes shut and tell myself it's all in my head, because it is. This fact does not thwart you, you just push past it and tell me I am wrong and you are right. I fall for the trap everytime.

I hate the constant over worrying and over thinking of problems that I create in my mind. I hate the feeling of the world and people around me moving so fast, and yet I feel as if I am stuck in quicksand. Unable to move my body out of it fast enough to catch up with the rest. I hate my mind and how it concocts all these situations that end up with me being a failure. I hate the way that new places and new people are out of the picture for me because I can't seem to gain the courage to do anything out of the normal.

My mind is a battleground because of you. It gives me this constant headache, a pounding in my skull. The battleground is a fight between you and me. I try to tell you that everything is fine and that you're being dramatic. This only angers you and forces you into a rampage, and that leads to my demise.

You create all these unwanted thoughts that just make me feel like I'm crazy. You are the reason why I get called over-dramatic. You are the reason why I have no social life. You are the reason that I cry at night when nobody is near to hear me. You are the reason why I wake up in the morning and have no energy to leave the comfort of my bed, because I can't help but think that if I don't move then nothing can hurt me.

You have gotten me into therapy. I have to lie and say I have a doctor's appointment to most, and to the ones I do tell they look at me as if I'm a broken doll that needs to be fixed. They wish me luck and that I get the help I need. They say help as if there is something wrong with me that needs to be gotten rid of. I don't like it. It makes me feel incompetent and worthless. Like I am a charity case begging for a better life.

I tend to get the questions like, "What's wrong with you?""Is anxiety that bad?""Is that just an excuse?". I receive these because of you. All I can do is give a small laugh, like they didn't just imply that I am not normal. To them, I need to be fixed and my brain has gone bad. This is your fault, not mine. I wish you would just leave me alone.

I deserve peace. I deserve a normal life. I deserve to be able to wake up and smile in the mornings, and go to bed content with my life and how it is. Instead, I am given the urge to cry because I feel like I am less than others. I am given the stress of thinking that maybe I am just over exaggerating and you don't actually exist. Maybe I am being over dramatic like the others say.

I deserve better than this.

But in the end, I wouldn't give you up. If somebody gave me the choice of letting you go now or being plagued by you for the rest of my life, I would choose the latter in a heartbeat. You are my companion and a big part of who I am today. You are my crutch because I know that you will always be there for me. Yes, you make me hopeless at times, but at least you are there by my side. I can rely on you in my times of need.

I thrive off of the feeling of my heart clenching and the constant weight on my shoulders. I depend on the constant feeling of you sitting on my chest. Others might find me crazy but they don't realize that if you were gone from my life I would be lost. I would not know how to deal with the fact that nothing in my life would be reliable anymore. People come and go, but you are forever.

In other words, Anxiety I love you. You have lended me a hand every single day of my life, and I have gladly taken it. You and I have suffered alongside one another. You can make me go crazy with worry, but you stand tall next to me. Forgive me for my hatred towards you, because overall you are the sturdiest thing present in my life. You are reliable and would part the sea to stay by my side.

I hope that one day we will be able to part ways, but for now I would like to enjoy your presence a bit longer. In time I will gain the strength to say my goodbye, but that time is not now. We may come back to this topic another day, or maybe another year. For now, let's just continue our journey with our arms interlocked with one another.

With all my love,

Rhoe