The Despondent's Journal

Despondent

De·spond·ent ...
What does that mean? The definition of despondent is "in low spirits from loss of hope or courage." Now being in despondency is similar but a more in depth thing. In my own words being in despondency is an emotion much like depression, it isn't just being sad but it's also being having lose of hope or even feeling like you've failed. I have experienced this for the past year and it got intense after everything shut down because of covid. I haven't just been despondent I have had many other emotions as well, emotions I'm not proud I obtain, feelings that make me hurt on the inside and a lot of the times I feel like I can't control it. Everyday is like a day on the battlefield, a war between my patience and my mind. In the end I still feel like I'm losing constantly, that may sound selfish but it's true. I'm not saying I'm not thankful for everything I have but it's been hard to see the good from how much bad has impacted me this year, I've lost so much hope and have been heartbroken so many times and I thought constantly to myself that I'd eventually grow immune to the small pain I felt that started in the back of my mind, but unknowingly I made that pain grow and I made that pain consume my whole body. I've changed a lot and not in a good way I'm being overly emotional but at the same time I'm putting up a big invisible wall to everyone who knows and loves me. They don't truly know what I'm thinking and how things are making me feel. I've had so many people tell me I'm the most patient person they know, but lately it doesn't seem like it. I can officially say for the first time in my life it feels like my patience is deteriorating as I watch helplessly, struggling, drowning, and losing this hope. Constantly I struggle to find ways to distract myself, and when I can't I feel like I'm going manic, I get so paranoid to where I just break down til there's no more tears to cry, until every last bit of me is empty for that day. I have so many people who love and care about me but.. why do I still feel so alone.. more alone tha ever before. Was there something I did to deserve it? What if it never goes away. This anxiety and paranoid I feel inside me is holding me down like I'm tied up and constricted. The thoughts get more intense and the voices get louder. I don't want to run from my problems but at the same time I feel to weak to stand my ground and fight off the demons that are in front of me. My body is physically exhausted by all of this, but my mind will not stop abusing itself and I feel like I'm just a ticking time bomb that cannot be controlled. I'm screaming the loudest I can inside and still no one can hear me except for myself and I wish to be saved, I want to be saved, I don't want to be a burden to anyone because everyone is dealing with something and everyone has an issue or a hurt they are trying to overcome themselves. It's part of the reason I keep everything inside. These are the reasons for my despondency feeling. Something I want to overcome but am struggling with. Something I don't want anyone else to struggle with.