Jumbled

We're afraid of being embarrassed

[Niaz]

I can't believe Alisha went to join Danny's music club.

I.just.can't.freaking.believe.it.

I mean,he's our enemy,right? And I don't know how Natasha approved it.

I take up a handful of fries.They taste bitter.

I see Natasha coming,looking confused. Perhaps looking for Alisha?

.........

She knew about that.What surprises me is that how okay she looks with everything that's happening.Should I look okay too? Why am I thinking about this too much?

I remember my father's advice, "Never date before college. High school's love is temporary and often results in disaster.High school's love is all about physical relation and drug and alcohol. You know our restrictions as a Muslim ,Niaz. And what you do in college won't be my concern,because then you'd be already grown up and will know about your duty and responsibility.But before that,while we're here to guide you,we want to make sure you don't get spoiled"

It's not like I'm the most obedient son ever walked on earth. And I know some of the things my father said were wrong. High school's relations are not all about being drunk and bonking each other. Well, at least I think so. But I never actually paid any attention to anyone. Crush on the most beautiful girl in our year? Well,everyone had that. But I was the one who never made any move.

But why on earth I'm thinking about my dad's advice on relationship right now? Am I thinking about dating someone? But..we were talking about Alisha,no? Right, I was worried that Danny might try to harm her.

"It was embarrassing to talk about." Nat says,her eyes closed as if in utter shame.

Embarrassing? What? Did Alisha think I was going to oppose her? Of course I would oppose her in joining that stupid's club. But does she think I don't care about her passion? Does she really think I'm like that? Heck,I would open a music club myself so that she didn't have to go to Danny's club anymore.Wait,what? Why would I open a club for her?

"Why do you look so glum?" Nat asks.

Am I looking so glum? Is it too visible that I'm struggling? But why? Why I'm struggling and what I've been struggling with?

"You know the answer,"  someone says from inside me.

"No,I don't." I try to shush it off.

Something Nat says puts some senses in me but also demolishes all the logics that I've giving myself this entire time. Natasha was with Danny for the entire evening yesterday. And it was worse than singing in his group. She came to his direct contact!

And yet, I never felt any ping of anxiety that something bad might happen to her. In fact, I encouraged her to go there in the first place. Natasha is as much as my bff as Alisha. So why I'm being biased when it comes to Alisha?

"Sometimes,I feel like we're more than friends."

Did I really say that? What in the world was I thinking!!! I was talking to Natasha,not Alisha. YOU DUMB-FREAKING-ASS!!! I chide myself.

First thing first, I've to control this situation and my awkwardness before it goes out of my hand.Right now, Natasha is looking at me,her jaw's slinging open.

"You're like my family,right?" I try to say nonchalantly.

Geez. Did I really utter that,family? Now every path is blocked. I made Alisha my sibling!!!? WTHITWIWT!!!No, I didn't particularly say her name,so I'm safe. 

"I....yes. You're like my family. We're like your family." she says after what feels like an eon.

Not we.Not we.No.No.No.

Wait,is Natasha acting weird all of a sudden?

She takes a big gulp of her juice. Her face is blushing. What happened?

"Nat,are you okay?"

"I'm completely fine.Completely. Nothing's wrong with me."

"That only confirmed my suspicion. Tell me, is it Danny?"

"You really think he can do anything to me?"

"No...well, maybe you are mentally distraught from having to work with him for two straight hours yesterday. Maybe he didn't harm you in a visible way,but-"

"I'm completely fine." she cuts in.

Ding!Ding! Ding! Lunch break is over.

As soon as she heard it, she ran towards the exit, her tray left forgotten in our table.Why she looked so disappointed? She was fine until I uttered the word 'family'. 

Maybe Alisha has the same feeling for me as I have (it seems like that,don't judge me for liking my best friend) for her? Maybe Alisha told her sister about me. Natasha already knew Alisha liked me and wanted to know my opinion.

Oh no! That would ruin everything! No wonder Natasha's face darkened after my stupid declaration.

I'm the king of stupids.Who says things like that? Do you ever tell a girl you're like her brother when you're trying to propose her? I guess not.

I'm impotent enough as it goes. I used to play basketball till middle school. Then one day, when I tripped over while throwing a ball over my head, it was being discovered that I had leg length discrepancy.Which means one of my leg is longer than the other. It's not very long,so I can walk without my problem being visible. I could also play, but it would mean occasionally tripping over on the ground and then sooner or later, my problem would be broadcasted in the whole school. Who knows how many titles would I have got? Cripple,wheelchair etc etc.

Our coach knew I couldn't contribute much to the team, so he offered me the bench, saying that I still would be in the team, and whenever someone would get injured, I would get to play. He said it was the best thing he could think of,considering my condition. I thanked him and quit the team, because I had no intention of being the 'extra'. I already knew I was a scared kid,the twin sisters were my place of shelter,I could not stand up for myself,let alone for others,like Natasha and Alisha, and I didn't want to add another level of incompetency to that list.So I quit, and when Nat wanted to know the reason in the lunch break of the second day of the freshman high,I just shrugged. I said sports weren't suitable for me. I was a liar. I still am. Otherwise, I wouldn't say Alisha was like my sister when it's the farthest thing I feel about her now.

I'm awkward and good-for-nothing. Why would she choose me,anyway?

Niaz is currently suffering from inferiority complex. So,don't take his words too seriously. Also, I'm not at good at this. Telling others stories and their emotions. But you still read it to this page and I can't thank you enough for that. Merci beaucoup!

Title: Taylor Swift