Anxiety. [LT AU] I

» 10.

 i knelt to the ground on results day, resting down on both knees with the dry grass touching my grey comfortable joggers that i wear every weekend. my eyes flicker from the brown envelope in my hands to the grey cold tombstone, engraved with a beautiful message to my mother. i had always promised myself and my mum that as soon as i got my gcse results, i would open it with my mum's presence. this is the closet i can ever get to that, and i'm not complaining at all.

slowly, my index finger pierces its way through the thin paper, then j drag it across the top of the envelope, before praying quickly. i just had to make sure i say calm throughout this whole process, or else i'll end up bursting into tears.

i take a deep breathe and brace myself mentally for the moment of truth. everything depends on this one moment; i know that sounds so scary, but that's the sort of pressure i put on myself. my legs ache slightly from running the distance from school to here, because as soon as i found the envelope with my name on, i grabbed it and ran. my feelings were all mixed up. i felt excitement and nerves. i knew i couldn't open my results in front of people and have them question me loads of time what i got. then laugh. or roll their eyes. i don't want that sort of stress.

i needed to be alone.

i walked with ashleigh by my side, hand in hand, together to our former secondary school for results day. she was worried that she wouldn't get the grades she needed to get into college, and get the grades that her parents would approve of. she has the most supportive, loving mother ever; i don't understand why she was even nervous. however, i left her there, even though she was my girlfriend and all, i just couldn't deal with all these emotions with her around. i've already made enough of a mess on myself as it is. i mean, when i finally asked her out, i managed to fart when she said yes. she laughed so hard whilst i wanted the ground to swallow me up. we did small dates, and i tried my hardest not to mess them up. though there was the date at the ice skating rink where i fell over so many times i thought i broke my balls. turned out i only sprained it, that was embarrassing though. ashleigh has been nothing but supportive towards me and i really appreciate it, and her.

i watched her carefully take her envelope before i managed to get my own, because her name was before mines, 'mckenzie', 'tomlinson' so the suspense was ever so intense for me.

but here i am. in my hands holds a piece of paper that decides my whole future. basically. i had never been more scared in my whole entire life. i look to the grey tombstone, closing my eyelids tightly for a few seconds so i can picture my mother. i try to imagine her standing in front of me, smiling, looking at me with this calming manner that makes me want to open the sheet. i do.

and i want to scream, i want to cry. because i'm so happy.

all a*'s. all ten gcses.

i could do anything i wanted, any college would want me. if i could manage to survive and interview, that is. but ash has been doing practice interviews with me to boost my confidence and skills. she really is good for me. tears well up in my eyes at this moment. everything just seemed perfect, though perfect doesn't exist, does it?

"mum. i-i love you. i just want to thank you for always believing in me and never letting me g-give up. i-i love you, s-so much mum." i sobbed with the tears randomly leaving drop marks on the sheet. i felt so happy, that all the negativity was pouring out of my eyes with each drop. wow deep.

i felt my phone vibrating in my pocket, and then the normal ringing tone ascended. my phone isn't the best but i don't really need the latest iphone. i've always been comfortable with a nokia, its so reliable, "hello?"

"hey-hi, lou, babe where are you?! i'm looking for you everywhere?!" my angel says in a rushed manner. i try to redeem myself and not cry constantly.