You know what? Fuck it. I need to take all of this out of me.
I've lost the ability to care for a lot of things. To the point it makes me feel like I'm a monster. The monster, the fuck up that everyone somehow comes across. I don't ever wish pain on anyone who has hurt me but I live in fear, I lay awake that others wish cruelty upon me. I can't become hurt or heartbroken anymore because of how often its happened. I take in other people's problems to make up for what I've become. I ignore my own issues, even though I struggle with a few mental illnesses myself. When I manage to cry, which is so hard to do because it's difficult for me to cry even a few tears. I smile, wipe them away and help others instead. Because I have to be the okay one. Or else everyone and everything will fall apart. It's all an act. The question of "are you okay?" that occurs every so often when I finally speak on my own emotions, which I feel guilty for expressing. I simply laugh at, and reply with "Yeah!! I'm okay, just a bit tired is all!" I just want someone to see me without me having to point it out. I want my friends to say that they're proud. I'm so proud of them for getting through the day, to get out of bed and breathe even when their lungs have pressure put on them as they struggle to take a deep breath. But, I wish. That they could be proud of me. It's like I struggle too. I can't stop. Even when it clearly damages me. I can't stop myself from being sad. When I've had a day of festivities and I'm fueled with happiness, at the end of the day I feel numb all over again.
I've become too comfortable in my sadness, and my anxiety. I wallow in my own head and can't live in light.
I'm so tired. I can't care about school, no matter how much energy I try to muster. I have no motivation. I do consider myself the therapist friend. For every friend group I end up being pulled in. They use me to their advantage, I handle their own personal drama between each other and their own emotions. I'm glad, that they put trust in me. They trust me enough to tell me these things and be open with me. But after they feel better, they feel okay. They fade away. And we become strangers again. The friend group continues on without me in it. Fine by them, fine by me. And I can't seem to care for the endless cycle. It doesn't even hurt anymore. It just... stings.
I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of giving effort when I can't see the point in anything. I've lost interest in things I used to find immense joy in. I feel as though I can't do things correctly. The advice I give so much effort to goes to waste and ends up not helping. It's one of my fears. I also fear, that some resent me. Because I move on too quickly from people, from romantic and platonic breakups. I don't know why I do. And it scares me how I move past people in only a few days, where anger may remain in their hearts towards me for months or years. I'm not the better one.
My friend views me as Heather. I don't want to be Heather. And I'm not. I am not as perfect as people make me out to be. I've just been hurt so much to the point I've got infinite patience for people, even those who have bad intentions towards me. I understand. Even though if I'm not in their situations, I say I understand because I don't want them to be alone.
I'm trying to get by everyday, and be that perfect little girl in everyone's eyes, but even when I'm trying people throw me away. I'm the second choice. NO ONE PICKS ME.
The only lie I've told everyone.. " I'm fine!"
Here I am, look at me.
Depressed,
sad,
worthless,
failing at everything,
in love with a girl who doesn't maybe even love me,
fake friends,
nobody to trust.
Heh, life..
But I'm trying my best
Father: *never home*
I get so excited when you come home, please stay longer
Friends: "yeah no, I'm sad all the time too lol"
oh
Online friends: "please stay and live for me. I love you"
isn't it funny how someone who lives miles and miles away from you is the only person who cares for you 24/7?
Parents:
You have nothing to cry about.
Friends:
You're too emotional.
You're overreacting.
Teachers:
You're just trying to get out of class.
Doctors:
Here are some antidepressants, those should help.
Like no. I want to feel full and happy with myself. NOT THIS.
If I get fat, I eat too much.
If I lose weight, I'm sick.
If I dress well, I show off.
If I dress simply, I'm poor.
I feel like I'm slowly turning numb, like I'm on the verge of tears with a straight face.
" i dont want to die, i just want to disappear and never come back. "
I love and hate being alone at the same time...
''We will never leave you'' they said.
even once the devil was a angel
Heres a poem I wrote about suicide:
2:30
it seems so easy, right?
just to jump...
let go of everything.
say goodbye.
nobody would care, right?
nobody would even show up to the funeral.
everybody would forget about you within a day or less, right?
who am i to say
that im honest?
when the world
of truth is haunted .
oh my, my minds
not doing well.
oh it hurts to be alive,
oh i cant decide
between hope and hell.
hell-o,
im a stranger
to myself.
i don't want to tho ive tried
to find me countless times
but i... oh i...
Don't know anymore
If I'm alive
Or if I'm just existing
But i...oh i..
I need HELP. I'm not okay. No one loves me and I'm just breaking apart.
