Lucid Desires

Chapter 1 - The Ghastly Man

ghast.ly

/ˈɡas(t)lē/

Adj. causing great horror or fear; frightful or macabre.

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"Hey, bookworm. Let me guess," Lea elbowed me slightly. "Your dad brought another woman in the house again, didn't he? Come on. I am good at reading your face."

It's almost ten in the morning and we have been walking for almost half an hour around the campus, finding a safe spot where we could stay and talk about what happened yesterday. We used to stay in the library when we have vacant time, but today the library is not a safe place to talk about my personal life. And knowing that Mrs. Williams –the dinosaur-like librarian – was there, we can't make even a single whisper, because if we do, we will be eaten alive.

I bobbed my head to say yes as we got to space at the back of an unused building, still wearing my gloomy face. She's indeed good at reading my facial expressions. She can tell what things bother me just by looking at my face. That's sheer ability.

"His room's door was open last night and I saw them having sex. I felt like I was going to vomit when I saw the face of that stripper. She made me want to transform into something ferocious and tear her into pieces," I grunt when I bent my knees to sit on the lawn and leaned my back against the stone cladding wall.

"Why don't you rent an apartment in the meantime?" she paused and crossed her arms, facing me with such an interrogating face. "No matter how you tell your dad to stop, I know he won't. And you can't tell him to leave because it's his house. So the best thing you can do for now is to set yourself aside, let them do what they want to do anytime they want, and focus on what makes you happy. There's so much more than just stressing yourself about that."

"I already have that in my damn head, Lea, but if I'll do that, it's like I am leaving a part of mom behind. That house is also my mom's house. If I'll leave, it's like I am letting those crazy women take over my mom's throne, which is not going to happen. I swear," I rolled my eyes and sighed like letting out all the oxygen I inhaled for the whole time. "I know this sounds weird, but I'm still hoping they could be together again."

"I understand you, but in your case, I guess it's impossible. But guess what? Miracles do happen," she muttered as she took something from her bag and gave it to me. "It's an erotic book. I just discovered recently that reading books like this is exciting. You definitely must try this one," she added.

I accepted the book out of my mind, still dragged to the thoughts of how I'm going to make dad change. When I realized what I was holding, I stared at it, scrutinizing the book cover critically, and then gave it back to her when my eyes settled on the man on the picture's bulge.

"Books like this are not my type. I'd rather read horror books – or even children's books – than those which emphasize sex, adultery, bigamy, and cheating. Look at those who read stuff like that. They thought having sex and losing virginity is like an adventure that can give them a certain kind of adrenaline rush," I uttered.

She bent her knees to sit beside me, "Eunice, I know you hate being like those other students who seemed liberated, but it's not wrong to introduce ourselves to new kinds of stuff. We are not in high school anymore, and we are already twenty-two. Haven't you observed that being too different from them is boring? Tell me, at least once, haven't you thought what it feels like of having sex or be with guys?"

My body stiffened when I heard her questions. To avoid answering it, I shifted my eyes on my bag lying on my lap. I know she had a point – a good and honest point. In fact, I really did find my life boring sometimes, but it's fine, and I can't blame myself if I like living with it. I know my life is so different from others who enjoy going out at night, date guys they like, have one-night-stand with some hot guys, and get back home wasted, but those differences make me who I am, and I guess they define who I want to be.