Everything I Wanted

Olivia

It was such a beautiful day, that no one would ever think that it would end in a tragedy. School had just ended and Olivia and I were on our way to the bridge because she insisted that we must celebrate that Easter break was around the corner. I blame myself.

"Clementine! We have to go now, you'll be late for ballet." My mother calls from the kitchen. I slam my notebook shut and put it in my desk drawer. I grab my bag and rush down to be met by my annoyed mother. Nothing unusual.

The car ride is silent. I think about all the people that are passing by. I wonder how they are feeling and where they are going, but why does it matter? All roads eventually lead to a dead end. It feels wrong to be there without her, she always dreamed about being a professional. She should be the one dancing, not me.

I feel someone nudge my side.

"Clementine! You can't keep dreaming away, you have to stay present or you'll miss out on life."

Mother never understood my feelings, her life was perfect so she couldn't see things from another's perspective, she never lets me be sad, she always tells me that "One shall not dwell on the past because it does you no good." I eventually started to put on a mask. I could see that my feelings were troubling her. Now she thinks that I have moved on, but little did she know how wrong she was.

"Sorry." I mutter. I grab my things and leave the car without a goodbye. Unlike me, the studio has not changed. Everyone is still in the same friend group. Without her I have no one, but I don't mind because I was never one to socialise. I knew that making new friends would only cause me disappointment, because how could anyone compare to her? I've been gone for two months but they don't even seem to notice my presence.

Our trainer calls on us with a clearing of her throat.

"Today, we're introducing the choreography for our swan lake performance. Do not forget to remind your parents to buy tickets. It's on December 8th." She says it as if she's said it at least a hundred times before, which she probably has. Maybe she had the passion for the job when she was younger, but lost it on the way.

The whole group walks but are stopped when our trainer abruptly turns around, remembering something.

"Oh sorry, I almost forgot to announce that Clementine is back! Remember to be nice, this year has been tough on everyone but especially her." An awkward silence approaches and some girls steal glances at me as a low mumbling spreads across the room. Her name keeps echoing in my ears, which I've been trying to suppress.

Even as the lesson goes on I can still feel the eyes of curious people burning on me. I know that absurd rumours of what happened has been spread, none of which I want to know. I'm the only one who knows the truth, I was there. Everyone else is only making assumptions.

My reflection in the mirrors show someone I do not recognise. I look different. My skin is paler. My face is more angular and I am thinner. My eyes have no life left. Not like I was happy before but she never failed to make me smile. Now, I am just an empty shell. My emotions are long gone and nothing affects me anymore, and everything feels grey and boring.

The same songs keep playing on the radio, people keep talking about the same topics, everyone just sounds the same. Nothing interests me anymore, not even the things I used to love, believe me when I say I've tried. Each day gets more and more dull. What is even the point of doing all this if it does not bring me any happiness?

As soon as I come home I pluck out my notebook and start to write again.