how can emptyness be so heavy ?

Chapter 1

One day until the summer holidays were over. I spent the whole summer with my friends and had the time of my life. We did some cool stuff like driving through Queens with Pete, Ace, Kiki, and Ned, since the boys got their drivers license, got on the rooftop of a skyscraper, and watched the sunset while eating sandwiches from Delmars and many more things. I didn't spend much time at the orphanage but when I did, I was always with my friends. Today is Sunday, which means tomorrow is school again. I didnt know ANYTHING from last year so I wanted to go through some stuff to rewing everything. I never wanted to be the best. Being one of the "good students" was always enough. Biology was a little bit different, therer has always been more dedication. My mom once was a biologist maybe thats why i feel a little botz different about it. But who knows.

In the orphanage, we would have every meal together so like every day when I'm not over at a friend's house we would enjoy the time spend together. We were sitting at our table and ate our dinner until Claire asked:
"So, tomorrow starts school again, you have any plans for next school year?".
"Well, I will try to get into the computer programming club, since I'm at Midtown now," Ben said with a confident smile on his face. When he expressed his emotions he did as obvious and pure as possible.
"I told Ned about that idea and he said he's gonna get you in there. I mean he taught you everything about programming that he knows so I guess if you make a good impression, you will get in there easily. " I told him and saw that a smile spread across his face.
"I will try to get a job and save some money for a loft or something like that. " Said Jay with the corner of his lips twitching a little. we kept on talking for a while and then all went up to our rooms. 

We finished dinner and went to our room. Because it is a small orphanage two children share one big bedroom with a middle-sized TV. Everybody gets 50 dollars pocket money so if you wanted to have something new you had to save your money. Normally girls share bedrooms with other girls and the same thing for the boys but there are nine boys and eleven girls and there aren't enough rooms so Ben was so kind and said that it's ok to share a bedroom with a girl. And to be honest, It's great sharing a bedroom with a guy. He doesn't care if it's messy, and gladly we share the same interrests, we always have a big storage of snacks in Ben's closet which we fill up every month with our favorite snacks.
I was already sitting at my desk looking through my last notes from the past year until Ben came in and jumped on top of his bed.
"Whatcha doing? "
"Looking through my notes from last year."
He stood up and grabbed some of my notes from geography. He looked through them and just nodded and was trying to look like he understands everything, but you weer able to see the confusion. 
"Ok...Yeah...No,  I don't understand a word, Julia."
"You will."
The evening went by fast as we watched a movie and went to Bed.

I was deeply asleep. It was around 3 am until I heard someone scream. It was Ben. He sat up in bed, sweat dripping down his face and tears rolling down his cheeks. I was used to it, he had nightmares about his parent's death. Ben never told me how they died. I stood right up and held him in my arms. His breath was heavy and he started to panic.
"Hey Ben, it's ok. You're fine, it's fine."
His breath calmed down and his heart stopped racing. He laid down again and I waited until he fell asleep. That wasn't the first time it happened. Sometimes it's even worse. I laid down in my bed again and fell asleep quickly.