The things a friend can change

I killed them all!

(Barriss' POV)

Anakin sighed, "You—you saved me Barriss. I wouldn't have come back if I hadn't heard your voice."

I gave him a reassuring smile, "So you did hear me."

"Y...Yes but—but I killed all of them." I changed my tone, with tears building up in my eyes.

"No Anakin, don't." She soothed, "You lost your mother, I don't know what that feels like but I sure do know how painful that must have been. Don't blame yourself."

"Don't say that! Didn't you hear me? I killed them! I killed them all! And at the time I even tapped into my anger! I didn't feel anything, I didn't have empathy. I became a kriffing machine that was about to put even more lives on the line!"

"Anakin."

"You don't understand! I killed everyone! Not just the men." He paused, "But the women, and—and."

I couldn't see him like this anymore. I just couldn't handle seeing the strong man I know crying and guilty. Never in my life have I ever seen him cry before, not even when I tickled him.

So, I did the one thing that I hoped would work, and wrapped my arms around him.

"I k...k...killed the...the children. I tortured them! I broke their spines! I ripped their h...hearts out of their ch...chest!"

"Oh, Ani don't cry, don't cry." I cooed, patting his back.

"Do you know what's the worst part? I didn't...I didn't even feel remorse or guilt when I did it. I just...I felt like doing it all over again. I...I enjoyed every...every last s...second of it." He croaked, his voice breaking.

"I—I can't handle it B...B...Barriss. Not a day goes by when I don't think about it. I want the pain to go away. Please help me Barriss, help me. I'm scared. I don't want to turn to the dark side." He cried.

"Shhhh shhhh. I'll be right here Anakin. I'll always be here when you need me. Shhh shhhhhhh." I comforted, running my hand through his soft gold hair.

At this point, he had already given in to my comfort. Not only was he clinging onto me he was clinging onto me tighter than ever.

Tears brimmed down his face as he did all he could to stop them. My warmth was making it ever more difficult to hold them in. So, at long last, he let them fall freely.

(Anakin's POV)

I couldn't restrain myself anymore. The tears were forcing their way out no matter what I did. I sobbed into her shoulder while she continued to do all she could.

Barriss was the reason I'm still myself right now. Without her, I'd have already given in to the dark side. That night when I murdered all those sand people, I really didn't feel even a faint ounce of mercy. I had no empathy. They were like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals. I hate them. But after what I did, I can't help but hate myself as well.

She was always there for me when I needed her. Every day since I was assigned to protect Padme, I couldn't help but think about her. I thought that the reason I didn't feel complete was because Padme wasn't there. But when I left, I honestly couldn't feel any more homesick.

I loved Padme of course, force we're even married now. But now I see the truth. Barriss has had a hand on my shoulder for way too long, and whenever comfort is needed, it just had to be Barriss. I didn't even feel the same warmth I felt when Padme was the one comforting me in regards to this topic.

Attachments were forbidden, but I had formed them nonetheless. After all, how could I not? I cared deeply for Padme, Barriss and even Caleb. They were all family, some of them more than others.

My hands were wrapped tightly around her back. So tightly that I could have broken a bone or two. I had never felt more of a need for Barriss. I had never wanted her more. This had to be the reason we ever met at the temple, so that we could express our love for one another.

Her shoulder was now all wet due to my prolonging crying, but thankfully she didn't care for it. All she cared about was that I am safe and secure.

As we embraced each other longer, I just felt the sudden urge to kiss her. I knew I shouldn't, for several reasons now. First of which was that I had only just gotten married to Padme. Second of all would be that young Caleb out in the living room would be awfully confused. Finally, if I got Barriss pregnant, there was no way we'd remain in the order.

The Jedi order is my life, so I can't just throw it away like this. The temptation was pulling me closer and closer, little did I know my lips were even dropping down towards hers right now. She even felt the connection and moved towards me at the same rate.

Then something just hit me. I could hear the faint laughter of Padme and Caleb. Because of that, I was brought back to reality and pulled way, guilty of my foolish actions.

My lips were far away from hers now, I even let go of her to turn around and face the other way. I wanted it so badly but I've always remembered when Obi Wan advised me to put purpose before feelings. If we were to do this, if we were to build up such a relationship, the Jedi would undeniably figure out our affection towards one another.

I was so conflicted. Why couldn't the Jedi have relationships. If it wasn't forbidden then I would have doubtlessly found a way to approach Barriss far before we were even teenagers. We would already be together and I wouldn't even remember the time when I was crushing on Padme.

Padme may have been more physically appealing but Barriss wasn't far behind. Her physical appearance would unquestionably have won second place, not only that but what lies on the inside was something far beyond what Padme had in possession for me.

That being said Padme was also very nice, and so in conclusion I would choose Padme over Barriss, for now anyway. But that didn't mean I do not feel guilty for what had just happened between us.

"I...I'm gonna get some air." She declared, clearly disappointed.

"Barriss." I announced with a regretful tone, but she had already left the room.

What have I done? I had broken the girl's heart. The heart that was filled with so much passion and love built towards me. Well what can I say? At least I won't have to only think about the innocent children that had died on my hands.

"Barriss! Anakin!" Caleb exclaimed.

I was almost sorry to give him a completely different impression, one that was blank and full of regret. As I approached them, I had an extremely guilty look on my face. I didn't even smile at Padme when she handed me her warmest smile.

"Sorry Padme, it looks like it's time for us to go."

"Of course, Barriss." She bowed, as the three of us slowly made our way to the door.

Caleb of course still had a nice sense of humour, but he was about as quiet as she was when speaking with the Masters. I wasn't as chatty either, I barely said a word when we headed towards the shuttle. Even after we had gotten on the ship, none of us actually had anything fun to talk about.

One thing was for sure though. Barriss and I would never have the same approach towards one another ever again.

What can I say? War and conflict affects the best of us. 

Well there's some conflict. Padme x Anakin is amazing but knowing me, I'd probably do something entirely unpredictable. In that case, heads up. You never know what to expect. 

Stay safe.