this side of paradise l.s.

chapter v.

wattpad just showed me an ad for vodka like bruh they know i don't have a fake id why do they do this to me?

im sorry, louis is going to act dumb in the next couple of chapters. be patient with him, he doesn't know how to differentiate between platonic and romantic love.

just like you.

²⁸ ⃤

fight or flight, i'd rather die
than have to cry in front of you
fight or flight, i'd rather lie
than tell you i'm in love with you
-Flight or Flight, Conan Gray

²⁸ ⃤

When Louis was twelve, he fell in love for the first time. 

It was after school one miserably gray day when he was too embarrassed to walk home alone. He sat on the swings at the playground not too far from his school and kicked at the dirt with the tip of his trainers. His mum would be upset that he got them dirty again. He wished Stan was there, because he at least knew how to distract Louis when he started getting into one of his moods, but Stan had to go home early because he had a stomach bug and Louis didn’t want to bother him. 

Stan wasn’t there when those older boys laughed at him. 

He didn’t hear them call him names. 

Not that Stan could’ve done anything about them, it would’ve been two against three and those boys were already in year eleven. There was no point. 

So Louis sat on the swings and tried not to cry. He was too big to cry over insults, no matter how much they stung. His mum told him that he couldn’t let other people’s words bother him, and that he had to be the bigger person. He chewed on the inside of his cheeks, the cold air drying his tear tracts. He hated being alone, but he didn’t want to be around anyone. It was confusing and sad and fresh tears welled up in his eyes. 

God, he was such a baby. 

He rubbed at his eyes, and then he heard it. 

It was soft at first, barely a hum at the back of his mind, but Louis’s head snapped up anyway. It wasn’t coming from around him, it was too cold and wet for anyone to be at the park. It must’ve been his soulmate, then. He didn’t really know how to react to knowing that he was supposed to one day get married to whoever liked to play the Power Rangers theme song every night before bed. He was still at the age where girls were icky and weird, but he supposed it wasn’t all bad, right? Soulmates were supposed to make you very happy, according to his mum, and he wasn’t very happy right now. 

He would really like to be happy. 

Louis never payed much attention to the songs his soulmate played, mostly because they sucked, but he was alone and sad and needed a distraction before he did something stupid, like cry again. So he wrapped his hands around the chains of the swings and tried to listen. He didn’t recognize the song. Of course his soulmate would like the weirdest thing, he would be stuck with a weirdo for the rest of his life. 

He sniffled and stared at his untied shoelaces. The song continued to play and the lyrics swam in his head like tadpoles. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older? 

Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long.

His lips twitched up at the thought. 

He let himself imagine what it would be like if he was older, if he grew into someone cool enough to fight off bullies and have people genuinely like him. He would be rich, or at least popular. Maybe a footie player. Maybe he could play at the Olympics if he was good enough. And he and Stan wouldn’t have to worry about what other people say when they see them together, because two boys can be close without it being weird, right? And he’d never be lonely, because he had her. Whoever this mysterious girl was who was meant to be with him.