Submissive • 5sos

Chapter 13

"Courtney? Hey, can I talk to you a second?" I hear Calum call, knocking on the door to my room, I shove the tape recorder behind the toilet, chuck on some jogging bottoms and an old shirt then open the door to my bedroom, Calum looks oddly tired. He strides into my room, and sits on the bed,
"I've got a really big secret," He sighs, I sit beside him, and wait for him to continue, but he doesn't,
"We all have secrets." I offer, he doesn't seem reassure though, and he eventually talks,
"It's a secret all us boys have though, and it's about you." He says, scratching the back of his head awkwardly, the tape recorder instantly comes to my mind.
"If it's dangerous, I'd rather not know." I say, quietly, I look up at him and he is looking down at me with wide, confused eyes.
"You're the total opposite to what I thought you were gonna be like." He says, more to himself than me, but I gently nudge him to continue,
"What did you think I would be like?" I didn't question the fact that he knew I was going there, the tape recorder was probably right about everything,
"I thought you'd be loud, and rebellious and I was ready to have to stop you from trying to escape, but as soon as I saw you, I knew you weren't rebellious or loud or anything like that. I was the one who convinced Ashton to leave you that night, because I knew you wouldn't even try to escape. It looks like you feel safer here when you shouldn't, we're all members of one of the most dangerous gangs in London. I don't understand why you don't run? Why are you just so....submissive?" He questions me, he looks so confused, I decide to come clean with what I know,
"When I was younger, I knew my dad was part of a gang," this is a total lie, but he doesn't know this. He looks at me shocked with this revelation. "He was sometimes really cruel, but other times, he'd be really nice. I remember once, I lost my teddy, and he got me one just like it. But then I remember other times, when I would hug him and I'd feel a gun in the waistband of his trousers." That part is actually true, I didn't know it was a gun at the time though, I was 5.
"But then I started getting older, I was 8 and he..he did bad stuff, and I'll never forget what he said to me that night. 'You're so submissive, Courtney. I love it'. And I guess I've just stayed that way, because I knew my dad loved it, now I know what he did was really wrong. At the time I knew it was wrong, but I just went along with it, because I knew dad loved it. I hate myself so much now." I hang my head in shame, but instantly a weight lift from my shoulders, I feel Calum lean forward a bit and I feel fear rise in my gut, he seems to understand this.
"I'm just gonna hug you." He says quietly, I relax and let him hug me, after a few moments, I hug him back, then the tears really fall, Calum doesn't let me go though, even when I stop crying.
"You're in one of the most dangerous gangs in London, but here you are, hugging a crying, fucked up girl." I laugh sadly, he looks at me with sad eyes, and sighs,
"You go to sleep, I've gotta go speak to the boys."
And for the first time in a long time, I fall asleep without crying and have a nightmare less sleep.
I wake feeling refreshed, and ready for the day, I go to the bathroom and see the tape recorder out of the corner of my eye, distracted by it being in open view, I put it in a box containing feminine hygiene products. I get dressed in some jeans and a flannel shirt.
"Hey." I say, coming into the living room, I look around the room at the different expressions of the boys. Ashton looks confused, Calum guilty - probably because of my confession last night, Michael looks happy, and lastly Luke appears...distressed?
"I had to tell the boys about our...discussion." Calum mumbles, looking even more guiltier.
"I don't understand why you didn't tell any of us?" Michael asks his smile dropping once he realises what we're talking about,
"It's not something I just randomly say, it takes a lot to admit your dad raped you." I say blandly, as if I'm uninterested but it reality I want to cry. When I say those words all of the boys avoid any eye contact, I almost want to laugh and cry all at once. I want to stay in a good mood so I quickly change the subject,
"What are you planning on doing with Shaun's gang? He mentioned a raid or something?" Shaun didn't say anything about their plans, I heard Luke and Ashton talking about it a few days before. Luke looks at Ashton hastily, and Ashton answers,
"What did Shaun tell you?" I see his fists tighten slightly, and instead of standing my ground, I do the total opposite,
"Oh...he just said about raiding some drug place...he might have been joking, yeah he was probably joking...." I say quickly. If they say anything to Shaun, he will definitely report it to their actual leader and then my mum....
Ashton sighs,
"It doesn't matter what we're doing, One Direction just can't get you, and Shaun's gang will stop that." I almost want to laugh hearing this, knowing what I know, but I don't, it feels oddly thrilling knowing more than they do, yet they think they know more. I sit down on the sofa next to Luke, who's eating some crisps, I put my hand in the packet and take some, smirking at him.
"Do you have any friends?" Luke suddenly asks,
"Yeah, one I guess, why?" I answer,
"Whenever I saw you around school you were on your own." He replies cooly, thinking of school, shouldn't he have gone to school?
"How comes I can't go to school? And why aren't you going to school?" I ask, Luke shuffles awkwardly,
"You can't because they're members of one direction still going there, and I don't need to go there anymore" he shrugs, I desperately want to know what he actually plans on doing with his life, but I bite my lip to stop myself.
"Anyway, do you wanna meet your friend today? We don't wanna be cooped up in here the whole day." This means they're deciding to trust me!
"Yeah okay, can I have my phone to call her or something then?" I smile sweetly, Luke reaches into his back pocket and passes me my phone, I walk into the kitchen and call Lucy.
"Hey!" I hear her shrilly voice say,
"Why haven't you been in school?" She says, I come up with a lie on the spot,
"I have to move schools! So do you wanna meet up today? Go shopping?" I bite my lip nervously, I've never gone shopping with any friends in my life,
"Yeah okay! Shall we meet at the ice cream hut at....12?" She breezily replies, I check my phone and see its 10:57.
"Yeah that's great, see you in a bit, bye!" I rush.
I feel myself beam while walking back into the living room, Luke looks expectantly at me,
"Ice cream parlour at 12. Are you guys gonna be with us, I don't think Lucy will like that...." I explain, Luke laughs at me,
"No we'll be close though." He says.
I see Lucy sitting on one of the benches, and walk casually over to her,
"Hi!" I exclaim, and mentally hit myself for sounding so weird,
"You look different, oh my god! Where did you get that scar!" She practically shouts, pointing to the scar running down the left side of my face, I come up with a quick lie,
"Fell over, it was horrible. Hurt like a bitch." I laugh, Lucy doesn't look completely convinced but drops it. We both eat an ice-cream, I pay for hers, considering I have about £300 from my previous pay check. I think back to the night I got that, that was technically my last night working at the d.i.y store considering Jan practically fired me, what was up with her. I hear a familiar laugh in the distance and see Luke,Michael,Calum and Ashton sit at a table close to ours, I look at Lucy and see her eyes bug out,
"I-is that....?" I nod at her, trying to recreate the look of shock on my face as well, I peer round and see Luke looking right at me while the other boys carry on talking.
"Why is Luke looking at you like that?" Lucy questions,
"I don't even know him, let's go shopping, yeah?" I say quickly, jumping up and walking towards the shops, with Lucy at my side.