A Penny For Your Tears [Z.M]

Thirty One

Months had passed since the fateful day that I decided to make the stupid and reckless decision of jumping of my balcony. To everyone else, it was just an accident. However, the doctor had pieced everything together and I was forced to see a therapist, not that I really minded. I told him everything, from Luca to Zayn, protected by client therapist confidentiality. Eventually my therapist, Doctor Johnson, had deduced that I had suffered a severe mental break down that might have even lead to a psychotic break down, which explained the paranoia and the constant hallucinations of Luca. She explained to me that I had never truly processed the trauma I went through with Luca and then the failed Volkov mission and the torture I went through because of it  acted like a trigger, reminding me of everything that I had tried to bury away. Zayn then leaving was like a catalyst, finally releasing the pent up emotion that was bound to come out anyway. It all made sense and my weekly sessions with Doctor Johnson together with the recommended treatments, put me on the road to recovery, mentally and physically.

The first few weeks when I was released from the hospital were rough. I was in so much pain, every joint in my body screamed whenever I moved and sleep was practically impossible. Well, I shouldn't have expected any less, my body did quite literally fall and smash against concrete. Aaliyah refused to leave me side for the first few days, scared that she would return and see the lifeless body she had found in the garden. I didn't blame her, seeing someone you loved in that type of position at only fifteen would traumatize anyone. Eventually, her school became more and more demanding and I was getting better and better so we saw less of each other but we still called everyday. My grandparents, together with Amelia and Jonathon, doted on my every beck and call, and when my arm and leg were still broken, I didn't really mind. However, when I git better and I could do almost everything myself again it started to get a tad bit annoying. Thankfully, they eventually got the hint and started to slowly leave me alone.

Harry and I made up the minute he was allowed to see me in the hospital, the man practically wailed in my arms begging for my forgiveness and it was too cute to ignore and besides, I was the one who technically had to apologize but let's not talk about that. Liam and Niall stopped by and gave me flowers every once in awhile and often sent texts to see how I was doing. The person who surprised me most was Louis, he had stopped by my home one morning, weeks after the incident, and spent the whole day with me, blushing every so often whenever I caught him looking at me. We didn't do much other than play Uno, watch a few films and just talk,getting to know each other but it still meant so much to me.Ashe managed to come say goodbye to me before she left to Brighton to be with her new foster family, I was sad to see her go but happy that she was finally getting a shot at life.

As for Zayn, I hadn't seen or spoken to him since the argument we had in my hospital room. At first I was upset about it and would find myself reaching for my phone, desperate to hear his voice before ultimately deciding against it. I didn't know why either of us were making such a big deal about this fight,well fair enough, I had tried to kill myself, but that wasn't the source of our problems, it was our complex feeling for each other and the fact that the both of us were too afraid to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to each other for fear of being betrayed or even losing one another, like the many people we had already lost. The many therapy sessions taught me that perhaps a Zayn free-life was for the better, Zayn was an unstable man and I was unstable myself, perhaps we would never have been good for each other. Without Zayn in my life, at least if Luca were to ever find me again, he would find just me and nobody else would have to get hurt or involved.

I didn't realize how much Zayn affected me until I was suddenly without him and would cry at the mere mention of him or whenever I caught but a glimpse of him through my window. As soon as I was able to move around properly and I was deemed fit to be out and about again, I went straight to work again. Although not at the pub, but as a sales manager in my Grandparent's bookshop. I had quit the job at the pub because I felt weird being there after everything that happened and Doctor Johnson had said it was better to be in a positive environment and what environment was better than a bookshop. I truly enjoyed my new job, I loved interacting with the customers, the children who clutched the ten pound bill their parents had given them as the excitedly searched through the shelves for their new favourite book. I loved the feeling of being normal, like everything was going to be ok, that I was going to move on from everything that I had been through and would eventually settle down with someone that I loved and who respected me. And, it was the perfection distraction, I found myself thinking less and less of Zayn.

"Please, Olivia, come down to base again. The girls really miss you and they never got the chance to thank you for what you did for them in Russia. " Harry whined as he watched me work, I was standing on a ladder, placing a new shipment of Harry Potter books in the top shelf.

"Harry, I really don't want to ever go there again. Besides, they have no reason to thank me, I did absolutely nothing but get myself hurt. I really don't want to talk about this anyway, so Harry, please just drop this. " I answered, my back to him as I continued working.

"That's not true. Because of you Volkov is dead, and the others were able to save all the girls and kill the rest of Volkov's men when they went back. None of this would have been possible without you." Harry continued.

"Harry, I really don't want to talk about this anymore, or ever again as a matter of fact."

"Is it because of Zayn?" Harry pressed on, like the persistent man he was. I sighed, bowing my head down as my hand, which was holding a book, remained in the air. Every time, every single fucking time I had stopped thinking about him, someone would have to bring him up again. I guess that's what I got for being friends with his friends, this was just God telling me I needed new friends. I quickly put the book in the shelf before descending the ladder, marching towards Harry.

"Harry, how many times will I tell you to drop this before you'll finally learn." I seethed, starting to get a bit annoyed with him.

"Look, Liv,I've made it no secretly how ardently I admire and love you-

"Did you just quote Pride and Prejudice?"

"Let me finish, what was I saying? Oh, yeah I've always been honest about my feelings for you and it pains me to say this, you and Zayn are just made for each other, he's a mess without you and though you seem to be doing surprisingly fine without him, I know deep down your heart longs to be with him." Harry had been very vocal about his feelings for me,saying that we only lived once and me almost dying reminded him of that. He respectfully acknowledged that I didn't feel the same way and told me he'd be waiting for me but I knew it was only a matter of time until he'd find another girl. He'd spoken about Zayn to me before and yes, deep down I did want to forget about everything and run back to him. To feel his strong arms around my body, to see the way he looked at me with so much concern and admiration, to be able to trace his tattoos again, I wanted all of it but what you want is not necessarily what you need.

"What do you mean he's mess?" I asked curiously, and I saw Harry smirk slightly, happy to have caught my attention.

"Well, he's been going on a bunch of these really dangerous missions. And he's, been selling more drugs even when we don't need to, he's literally just doing it for fun now which goes against everything he stands for."

"Is he taking them?" I asked, getting slightly worried.

"Ehh." Harry scratched his head awkwardly, avoiding my gaze.

"Harold, you wouldn't shut about him, so now spit out!" I demanded harshly.

"Fine, yes, he's taking the drugs himself now. He's never been too high to work or anything but it's still unlike him. Last time he went to a fight club and got himself beat up. Like literally, he went inside the ring and let people beat him up." My eyes widened in shock, never having expected this behaviour from Zayn.

"Are you sure this has anything to do with me? I mean, what happened between us was pretty rough but not this rough." I asked. Harry sighed, shaking his head sadly.

"You know Zayn, Liv, he's an emotional person, driven by passion which up until you came around was always just hatred. But then you came and for once he felt something other than hate. When Zayn loves, his love is all-consuming. Granted, you guys weren't together that long, but that time was enough for Zayn to see you for you and adore you for you. For once in a long time, he felt something other than guilt and hatred due to his parent's murder. Olivia, you need to realize you almost died and he thought he lost you forever just like he lost his parents and in the same he thought his parent's death was his fault, he thought and still thinks your accident was his as well. I don't know what went down between the two of you but whatever it is, please just fix it." Harry said, placing a comforting hand on my own before grabbing his jacket as he left the shop. I bit my lip nervously as I  was left pondering the words of a very wise, yet annoying, man with unruly brown hair.

A/N: Again, not my best chapter but it'll get better I promise don't give up on me ;( Anyway, please vote, comment and hit me up with a follow if you want. HAPPY XMAS folks!!!!! (in advance obvi)