Returned- Drarry COMPLETE

Chapter 40

—Draco POV—

There are some days where Harry and I can't get enough of each other, days where we lock ourselves in the room and kiss like we never will again, days where our hands roam freely about each other's bodies- feeling the affect we have on each other. It's days like these that I feel most guilty for not yet having told Harry I love him. After all, how could we so freely give up our bodies, succumbing to each other's will, and still not have told each other that it was so much more than that?

After all, to me, it is so, so much more than that. I do love Harry; I have for quite a bit of time. But, I can't bring myself to say it. The last time I told somebody how I felt, she felt the same way. We got married and we had a child, only for her to be ripped from my grasp- taken by a cruel, invisible, merciless monster: death.

Ever since George was brought to the hospital last week, everyone has been walking on a tightrope around not only him, but Harry too. It seems they still haven't forgotten that he tried to do the same thing just a year earlier. George was indeed released the next morning. It was much to everyone's shock when he would only speak to Harry, or his wife and son.

He had apologized profusely to Ron, saying it was just an accident, and that he hadn't planned to be found by his youngest brother. Ron was in some sort of confused state- a sort of foggy area where he just couldn't listen to anything until he finally processed that he'd almost lost another brother, again.

Harry has been a lot more silent lately. He's been eating less, and I've had to argue with him more than once about not missing meals. It's draining, and I dread whenever I can sense our raising tempers colliding, because we don't hold back around each other, and we act like we used to when we were younger.

He's also been more worried about Ginny, who keeps insisting that she doesn't need help with the baby. She'd been really quite polite about it too, until one day she'd just had it, and she yelled at him, telling him she can't breathe when he's around her, and that she doesn't want to look at him, because "some unreasonable part of my brain keeps telling me that George got the idea from you."

Harry really got bad after that. It was a struggle for me- I'd never really dealt with him when he consistently refuses to take his medicine and just stays in bed unmoving, day after day. I had almost forgotten what it was like to wake up every night to calm him down after a particularly frightening nightmare, or one he thought was real. He still kept his wand on him- really next to him, always in his line of sight. "Just in case," he always says. It breaks my heart, seeing the state he's in, feeling like I can't help him.

He's been more timid around me, and it was reminding me a lot more of how he was when I met him at the supermarket more than a year ago. Most nights, he would sleep away from me- as far to the edge of the bed as he could- and he wouldn't even say goodnight. Other nights, he would wait until he thought I was asleep, then wordlessly curl into me- hugging me as if he was never going to be able to do it again- and after a long while, I would feel him tremble as he held me tight, and I would hear him sniffle, and stifle painfully audible cries.

He's also been trying to hurt himself more; I know because he's told me when he gets the urge. I don't know whether to be happy that he's letting me help with that, or sad that it's been happening to him so much more lately.

I've also found that he hurts himself more in the midst of panic than he does just because he wants to. This is why he still, despite my many attempts to help him, has new marks along his chest and arms. He tries to get through his panic attacks alone; he'll just say he needs the bathroom, and then it happens.

We got into one of many arguments when I told him that he wasn't going to be using the restroom alone anymore because of this. We've also gotten into arguments over his distance, him thinking that I'm worrying too much, and the prophets bullshite article about The Weasley Tragedy, among other things.

I don't say it out loud, and I wouldn't dare tell Harry, but I'm worried that I'll wake up any day now and he'll be lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood, or hanging from the ceiling of Sirius's old bedroom, maybe just in my potions room, seizing and foaming at the mouth because he's shoved as many different poisonous ingredients as he could fit down his throat. Because of this, I feel like I need to tell him I love him, just so that he doesn't leave me wondering if this was real. At the same time though, I don't want to tell him, because it will make this all more real for me, and doubly painful if something happens and I can't save him.

Scorpius has noticed something isn't right. When you think about it, the unnerving silence and the arguments spurting randomly throughout the week make it quite obvious. The struggle to get Harry to join us at meals, or at all, is obvious to him. Anyone with a brain would know something is wrong. This is precisely why he's tried to start hiding the stains he makes in the bed, and has been waking up and staying up in the middle of the night after another nightmare about somebody dying or leaving him.

This is why I start most nights with Harry, and end most nights with Scorpius. This is also why I've been spending every spare minute lately to brew, bottle, and store dreamless sleep potions and calming draughts. They work for Scorpius, but I don't want him to become dependent on them, which is why he doesn't take it every night. He also doesn't truly need it every night, just the nights when I'm not with him- the nights when I can just tell, with one look at Harry, that he needs me, even if he won't utter a single word about it.

One night I tried to get Harry to take a dreamless sleep potion, much to his protest. I've discovered that while it helps him fall asleep- something he's always struggled with- it does nothing to remedy his dreams, or stop him from waking up in a panicked frenzy. It simply isn't strong enough for him.

The calming draughts work, but they also seem to make Harry mad and rigid. I'd never seen anything like it, and it's not a known side effect of the potion. When he's mad, we argue, then we're both on the wrong side of the day. This is why he doesn't take the calming draughts. It makes him unreasonably upset and explosive.

I've been drained- physically and emotionally. I need time alone, not standing in the corner of the bathroom while Harry uses the loo and not talking to Scorpius about his mum and about how, for the upteenth time, I am not going anywhere.

I feel bad for thinking that. The two people I care about most need my help, and it's overwhelming. I don't have time for myself anymore. I'm always with Scorpius, or with Harry. I just need a break.