Not Quite Enough

11.April

Save A Prayer // Duran Duran

The pit in my stomach is finally gone now that a week has gone by since the Lot. But for the last seven days I've been a wreck any time I thought about that kiss.

And damn have I thought about it.

The images from Ko's phone are burned into my mind, along with the flashbacks I get every time my mind replays them. Nico's kiss was commanding. It was soft. It moved me and kept me standing still waiting for more. It was every contradiction that exists because that's an exact reflection of how I feel about him. Nico is who I want. He's what I shouldn't have. He's no casual kiss in the lot. Nico is future plans and roots. He's sticking around and making a life here. And that's not where I'm headed.

My fingers brush against my lips absently before I can stop myself. Not wanting Nico to notice, I look out the window of his truck, because ever since the night of the Lot his Challenger is back under a tarp. My heart dropped when I saw him pull up to my house in the truck on Monday for my ride to school, now including Ko as part of our carpool. I knew it had to do with my panic attack at the dinner.

I can admit that now. It was a complete panic outburst that led me to yell at him and accuse him of using me to prove something to everyone else. I know him better than that. Nothing about Nico needs to prove anything to anyone.

But I panicked. The second I opened my front door and saw Nico standing there instead of Emily, it took everything within me to keep my distance. I put Ko between us in his car. I wandered away from him at the Lot just to be able to breathe because he took my breath away. He still does. All Nico has to do is look at me and my lungs forget how to inhale and exhale.

I glance back over to him and find his eyes on me. There goes my breath, whoosh. I know he sees the way I react to him because he smirks. Shit.

"Is my car ready yet?"

I feel like a complete bitch when I hear myself speak. Could I be any less grateful? My tone is pissy, I realize. Nico doesn't deserve that but I can't seem to help it around him. It's my default for everyone these days and I haven't found the off switch yet.

"Taking it to Edgar tomorrow for paint, then the interior will be completed. Just a few more days to put up with my ass and this truck, sweetheart."

I clench my fists instead of covering my face like my instincts are begging me to. I'm embarrassed about...everything really. Thank goodness Ko is meeting with her exchange group for a dinner get together otherwise she'd witness this. I really don't want her to ask about it the way she went over that kiss with a fine-toothed comb.

"It's been a real struggle, grease boy. And watch it with the sweetheart. I've already warned you about it."

My arms are crossed and I'm scowling. I want Nico to think I'm pissed, but in reality, the fact that he still called me sweetheart has me melting toward him just a little. I can't afford to melt.

"I can think of a few things you've warned me about. Didn't stop either of us from letting them happen." Nico's got one elbow on the doorframe of his truck looking incredibly casual when this conversation is anything but. His veiled comment about that kiss is the first time either of us has broached the subject since that night.

I don't say anything in return, continuing to look out the window watching the neighborhood roll by. Pretty soon we're in unfamiliar territory. Nico is dropping me off at Gladys' house for the tea I agreed to a couple of weeks ago. If I wasn't so bothered by the close proximity of the boy starring in my dreams this week, I might actually be nervous about this casual meeting with a rich old socialite.