Not Quite Enough

13.April

Cruel Summer // Ace of Base

I feel all of the blood drain from my face and flow directly to my stomach at the tone in Nico's voice. It's possessive, laced with an acidic layer I didn't realize he was capable of. But the worst part...the edge that has me sick to my stomach...

The distrust I hear in those three words just might kill me.

"What the fuck?"

I hear the question for what it is, and what he doesn't want to admit. Of course, he's pissed at Matt for touching me. He's furious at the way this self-proclaimed king of the school feels he can take anything he wants. But I also hear his doubt. He's wondering if I was okay with Matt leaning in, getting close. He's questioning the rumors and wondering about the grain of truth that seems to lie at the bottom of each one.

I close my eyes at the memory. Nico showed up only a minute after the act of solicitation Matt tried to make. He had seen Matt's hand on my arm, but not what had transpired just before that touch. I was bouncing to the music, Ko at my side taking in the scene. My eyes searched for Emily while putting the distance between Nico and myself that I thought we needed. I felt his eyes before his presence. I knew I was being watched so when the heat of his breath hit my neck I sucked in my own and froze, the smile never leaving my face in an effort to mask the truth of the intrusion I knew was coming. Matt's lips were at my ear, whispering things he was ready to do to me at any asking price, making my stomach turn in disgust, my heart race in fear.

Then, as though I had agreed, his lips traveled to my neck, his hand on my arm attempting to pull me or drag me to a location of his choosing in order to make good on his offer. I mentally kicked my own ass for being at his mercy and straightened my spine. "Never fucking again," I whispered. Then turned my steel gaze and hardened heart toward him. I used the strongest voice I could muster and told him to get his hands off of me. Matt didn't react, as though my words were meaningless. Our stare-off continued until Nico was suddenly right there.

Nico never saw any of what had come before, and it had taken every ounce of strength I had to keep my face from showing my gut reaction. I knew he would make a scene, which of course he did by confronting Matt and then claiming me himself with that kiss. I was avoiding a bigger show, knowing Nico's reputation. Everyone would have taken sides, and it wouldn't have been Nico's. Too many testosterone laden jocks were present to have a fight break out. So, I made my choice and I hid the truth. Nico believed Matt was just making a move, not stripping me of all of my dignity. But what we hide in darkness always comes out in the light.

This light is blinding.

My hand is still on his shoulder as he's looking at those pictures, scrolling back further, which is why I feel him tense up when he notices my face the split second before Matt's approach. Nico is observant. He always has been, so he sees the almost imperceptible change in me from one frame to the next. He sucks in a breath and holds it while he toggles back and forth between two shots, taken a split second apart.

I feel the change. He releases the breath in a whoosh and turns his head to me, our eyes catching. There's an apology in the eyes that stuck me silent the first time I ever looked into them. The apology is what breaks my heart.

Crushed.

Utterly crushed that even for a fraction of time he wondered. He doubted. He questioned.

Sick to my stomach, I take a step back. There will be no tears from me. I will not cry over this because I should have expected it, but Nico convinced me we had something stronger than rumors. In that fraction, that split second of doubt, he wiped that reality back into the dream it was.