Not Quite Enough

14.April

Dream On // Aerosmith

It's early. I was awake before the sun came up, but that's what happens when you toss and turn all night. I wish I had heard Nico out. I was too mad, too hurt to let him say whatever he wanted to say. I don't think I could have taken his apologies, or his excuses, but maybe I should have listened. It wouldn't have changed anything. But I wouldn't have stayed awake all night running every possibility through my mind.

None of the thoughts I had, not one, was a reasonable explanation for the look in his eyes or the way he stormed away to confront Matt even after I asked him not to.

Once again, my feelings, my needs, my honor, don't matter. Nico is supposed to be different. He's supposed to be the guy that lets me shine. Turns out he's just the guy who gives me hope then lets me down.

I'm standing in the kitchen, holding a cup of coffee in my hands but not drinking it. I'm staring at the sink but I don't even see it. I just keep playing that moment over and over again. The look in Nico's eyes. The gutted feeling in my stomach. The second everything blew up.

Didn't I try to avoid this? I told Satan repeatedly, not today. I didn't want to be this girl, the one heartsick over a guy. And yet, here we are. I'm a sleepless zombie and my armor did no good.

I notice a rumble outside, sounding like an engine. A car door slams then footsteps on the front walk. A knock sounds at the door where my eyes are now focused. My heart is racing. My stomach has lost the battle with the butterflies. I'm not ready to ride to school with Nico. It's too early to leave anyway. Maybe he thinks I'll talk to him now.

Maybe I will.

I set the coffee on the counter and take the few steps from the kitchen to the door. When I swing it open, there's a scowl on my face. It morphs to a look of confusion when I see Danny standing on the front step.

"Hey, Nico wanted me to drop this off for you, but I didn't want to leave the keys out here in case you didn't see them. Sorry." Danny stands there holding a set of keys out to me.

I still don't understand what's going on until I look past him to the street. Nico's Challenger is parked on the street. Danny's giving me the keys to Nico's car.

"Why?" I whisper the word because the tension, the stress of yesterday, my lack of fucking sleep, and the nauseous pit in my stomach have all convened into one giant lump in my throat.

Danny shrugs. "Didn't say exactly. I'm thinking he wanted you to be able to get to school. And by the look on your face when you opened the door, I'm guessing you wouldn't want Nico to be the guy getting you there."

I grab the keys and mumble a thanks before closing the door. I lean against it and hold the keys to my stomach, a weak effort to calm the feelings. So many messed up feelings. I want to leave. But I want to stay. I want to fight and scream and run. But I also want to cry. I want to hide and at the same time I just want to be seen, understood. Believed.

The thought that even for one split second Nico didn't believe me might have ruined every moment that came before. I realize something holding these keys, however. Nico has feelings about this, too. He wasn't neutral about how this has hurt me. I wonder if he has a clue about how deep this all runs for me, because if he did, he would never have left me after doubting what had really happened with Matt. Even if his level of anger was as bad as he said, he wouldn't have left me without saying a word.

I didn't even realize he had left the school right at lunch until Angel and Danny showed up at the door to the shop when the bell rang, telling Ko and I they would give us a ride home. I was too strung out from stress to question them, so we jumped in their lowrider and left school. I didn't ask a single question about what happened. Neither did Ko. She sensed that I didn't want to hear it.