While You Were Gone

Second Month

Mo Yeon stared at her phone, toying it with Myeong Ju's name appeared on the screen. It had been two months since Si Jin and Sergeant Seo's death and she hasn't hear anything from the General's daughter yet. She knew Myeong Ju must have felt the same way like her, denial and grief. Mo Yeon also knew it must be hard for Myeong Ju too, being a soldier, there must be a lot of things which could remind her to Sergeant Seo in the base. She finally gave up on calling her and put her phone back on her pocket, deciding it was not the right time to call the General's daughter, not yet.

Mo Yeon walked to the cafeteria, starting to fill her tray with food. Since Dr. Pyo locked her in her office and finally found out about Si Jin, her friends learned the truth about his death. To her surprise, they all didn't say a word about it to other Heasung staffs. Dr. Pyo said to honor the secrecy, so the only people who knew about Si Jin were only her closest friends. She was still working the night shifts, and she needed to thank her friends whom reminded her to aware about her own health.

Mo Yeon walked to the table where her friends were sitting. She could feel all the stares and then, sat silently before began to eat. The nurses and the doctors were staring at Mo Yeon who was eating slowly and gave signal to each other from their eyes to break the awkward atmosphere. Chi Hun was the first who made the move.

"Senior, we're going to have a picnic this weekend. Will you join us?"

"Where?" Mo Yeon asked almost automatically.

Chi Hun glanced at the others and said, "To the public park nearby. I'm sure it will be fun. Please, come with us, Senior."

Mo Yeon shook her head. "I can't. I want to visit my mom." And then, she put her spoon and fork on her tray. "I'm done here." She got up and left her friends who remained sat on their chairs.

All the doctors and nurses blew a breath.

"At least she said something," Dr. Song said.

"I agree with Dr. Song. I still remember how Dr. Kang was a month before. I almost didn't recognize her. She was so different," Nurse Choi added.

"She's still different now," Dr. Pyo commented.

"What should we do? We can't let Dr. Kang going on like this," Nurse Ha said worriedly.

Dr. Pyo took a deep breath. "Sadly to say, we can't do anything about it. Mo Yeon must deal with her grief on her own way. We only can help her and support her as her friends."

Nurse Choi sighed sadly. "Dr. Kang must know the risk on having a relationship with a soldier, but she still keeps her relationship. I don't think I want to have a relationship with a soldier."

"Be careful on what you're saying," Nurse Ha reminded the young nurse. "Some of the soldiers are familiar with us. Who knows someday one of them will interest in you."

Nurse Choi blinked. "Eh?" And then, she looked over her colleagues. "Are we really going to have a picnic this weekend?"

Dr. Song, Chi Hun, and Nurse Ha only raised their eyebrows.

Dr. Pyo only stared at the empty chair which occupied by Mo Yeon earlier and blew a long breath. She just hoped her friend would be alright soon.

          ***

On the weekend, Mo Yeon drove her car to her mother's house. She felt a bit guilty not telling her own mother about Si Jin, for she was dealing with her own grief on the first month. She knew she couldn't live like this forever. She needed to talk to someone who ever felt the same way as her.

When she arrived, Mo Yeon got out from the car while Mrs. Kang already stood on the front door. Seeing her mother made the doctor suddenly bursted into tears. She hugged her mother, crying on her embrance. Mrs. Kang hugged her daughter in return, curious on why suddenly her girl cried. Judging from how she came alone, it must had to do with her boyfriend, the Captain of the army.

"Come on. Let's get inside," she said softly while patting her daughter's back.

Mo Yeon nodded, sniffled, and walked inside her mother's house, her childhood home. Mrs. Kang didn't ask Mo Yeon, only let her daughter to calm down, having lunch and settled to her old room. After dinner, they sat outside on the front porch, looking at the stars. Mrs. Kang stared at Mo Yeon and slowly caressed her hair.

"Do you want to tell me something, Mo Yeon?"

She saw her daughter's eyes brimmed with tears and nodded.

"Is it about Si Jin?"

Her daughter nodded again. This time she was crying.

"Are you two break up?"

Mo Yeon shook her head, her cries were getting louder and Mrs. Kang knew there was something wrong. She pulled her daughter to her embrance and patted her back with Mo Yeon still crying.

"What is it?" Mrs. Kang tried to ask again with low voice.

"He's...gone, Mom."

Mrs. Kang blinked. "Gone?" She felt her daughter nodded on her embrance. "Gone as...forever gone?"

Mo Yeon nodded again.

"Oh, my lovely girl," she sighed. Mrs. Kang remembered how it felt to lose someone she loved, Mo Yeon's father. She just never thought her daughter would endure the same thing like her. "How do you feel now?"

"It hurts, Mom. It hurts so much," Mo Yeon said while crying.

Mrs. Kang smiled solemnly and pushed Mo Yeon gently from her embrance. She stared at her daughter and wiped her tears. "It's natural to feel that way. That means he is very special for you."

"How did you do it, Mom? With dad? How did you cope?"

Mo Yeon's mother only chuckled and shook her head. "We couldn't never coped from losing someone we love, Mo Yeon. We only try to live our lives, creating every moment based on our memories about our loved ones. That was what I did and that's what I do until now."

The doctor sniffled. "And the pain?"

Mrs. Kang smiled slightly. "It will feel less in time, but it's only you who know how to make it less." She caressed her daughter's cheek. "I know it's painful, but you must think about yourself. You can't stay alone forever, Mo Yeon."

The doctor blinked. "What are you talking about, Mom?"

Mrs. Kang sighed. "You need to find someone else."

"You mean, another man? No!"

"Mo Yeon..."

"How can you ask me that, Mom? He was just..." Mo Yeon took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. It's just...it's not the right time."

Mo Yeon's mother smiled grimly. "I'm sorry too. I know you're still grieving. I shouldn't have talked like that." She patted her daughter's cheek lovingly. "Don't torture yourself, my girl. I know Si Jin wouldn't want that."

When her mother mentioned Si Jin's name, Mo Yeon started to cry again. Mrs. Kang only held her daughter on her arms, closing her eyes and hoped Mo Yeon could be strong enough to live her life without Si Jin.

           ***

The house was quiet.

Her mother already said good night to her. Mo Yeon sat alone on the front porch, still looking at the stars.

"I thought it would be comforting."

Two months passed, her thoughts were sometimes reminiscing her moments with Si Jin. She knew she wouldn't be able to forget them, it was her precious memories. She was still feeling the pain on her chest whenever she remembered him, but like her mother said, she was the only one who knew how to make her pain became less.

Mo Yeon pulled out Si Jin's letter from her pocket and a matchbox. She lit up her match and let the fire engulfed the letter. To Mo Yeon, for making her pain felt less was not holding any physical things which reminded her to Si Jin.

And the letter was the first.

"So far, I lost three comrades during such missions."

And here she was, mourning over the lost of her own comrade.

"Is this how you feel when you lost your comrades, Yoo Si Jin?"

Mo Yeon watched the letter burned, but this time no tears on her eyes.