Freedom { Shownu Series }

Chapter 5

A half-eaten strawberry cake sat on the coffee table. Leann remembered how cute Shownu had looked as he hesitantly handed her the cake and said, "Happy six-month Anniversary!" She couldn't believe they had already reached this milestone. As she sat beside him, with his arms wrapped around her, she felt safe and secure, something she had never really felt with a man before.

"The guys are going to be out for a while," commented Shownu as he stroked her forehead with his thumb. "They said not to expect them until about midnight."

"Yeah, that's nice that they have the chance to go out and just have a nice dinner and a couple of drinks."

"Let's hope it's just a couple of drinks," said Shownu wryly. "Hyung is not in the mood to be cleaning up vomit tonight."

"Yeah, I feel you," said Leann.

"Do you?" murmured Shownu against Leann's neck. He began kissing his way up her neck and across her cheek until he reached her mouth. His kisses became more ardent as he put his hand behind her neck and pulled her toward him. He lay down on the couch bringing her with him until she was lying on top of him. Alarm bells went off in her head, but they sounded like they were coming from very far away. She decided to ignore them.

Don't be weird about it, she cautioned herself as she wound her fingers into his hair. He lifted his hips slightly and she found herself moving her hips as well. They found a rhythm together and she let out a quiet moan. Who am I right now? This feels like the Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

As Leann continued to ponder the possibility that someone else had taken over her body, Shownu slowly reached into the back of her shirt. When he reached her bra clasp, he hesitated for a second. His slight hesitation seemed to be like the bucket of ice water that Leann needed to pull herself back from the edge of the cliff. She sat up suddenly as Shownu did the same. He held his hands up where she could see them, like a criminal turning himself in.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No need to be sorry. I'm the one that was out of line."

"It's not that. It's just that..." Leann wasn't able to finish her thought.

"What is it? You can tell me," he said while finally dropping his hands to his side.

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing," Leann confided. "Actually, it's really embarrassing."

"Whatever it is, it will be OK," said Shownu, reaching to stroke the top of her head.

"Well, I've never actually been with a guy before," she admitted, realizing that, at 25, very few girls would be in the same situation, certainly not the girls Shownu would have had the chance to date. She waited for what seemed an eternity for him to speak. His brown eyes never left her face.

"I think that's really sweet," he said finally.

"Yeah, sweet," she mused. "I'm not sure most guys are looking for sweet."

"Well, I'm not most guys."

She sat motionless as a wave of shame passed over her. She couldn't quite determine if she was ashamed of what she had just done or if she was ashamed to not have had more experience. Maybe both things. A laugh escaped her lips as a memory of Pap came to mind.

Shownu looked at her quizzically. "What's so funny?"

"I was just thinking about how my Pap used to tell me when I would go out that I should put my feet in a one-gallon bucket. He said that two half-gallon buckets wouldn't work."

"Um, I don't get it. What does that even mean?"

"Well, if both feet are in a one-gallon bucket, then you can't spread your legs."

"Oh, boy," exclaimed Shownu as he slapped his forehead with his palm. "I guess that's good advice, but it seems a little crude. I guess, in Korea, we don't talk about it in those terms. I forget sometimes that Americans are franker about those things."

"I mean, I guess you're right, but to tell you the truth, my family tried to tell me things, but they never came right out and said them. They always danced around the subject by using analogies. Like my Pap's other famous phrase was, 'Who would buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?'"

Shownu sat silently and tilted his head in concern. After several moments, he finally spoke. "I believe that may be the most sexist thing I've ever heard."

"Really?" Leann answered in surprise. It had never hit her that it might be sexist.

"Yeah, I mean, think about it. It's basically saying that no man would ever marry a woman if he could just get the sex without marrying her. It makes it sound like women have nothing more to offer than sex and we would have no motivations to marry a woman except for sex."

Leann was quiet for a moment. It was hard to think of her Pap as sexist, but what Shownu said did make sense. She did hope that guys would see more to her than her sex appeal and she could see how comparing her to a cow was a pretty disrespectful metaphor.

"Well, he also said that if you want someone to want something, you have to build a fence around it," added Leann. "I guess, that's sort of in the same category, isn't it?"

Shownu's face registered concern. "Who the hell raised you?" he asked, genuinely trying to understand how Leann grew up. "I mean, who says stuff like this? I've always heard that women are so much more respected in America than here, but honestly, I can't imagine a Korean man ever comparing a woman to a cow or suggesting that the only thing she has to offer is sex. I'm really learning some stunning things about America right now," he concluded.

"Yeah, but you have to remember that America is really diverse. People in New York City are totally different from people in rural Pennsylvania. People in LA are nothing like people in Kansas. But, to answer your question, my grandparents mostly raised me. My mom was in the picture from time-to-time, whenever she was between boyfriends."

Shownu just nodded since he was at a loss for the right words to say. His own mother had always been the model of propriety. She threw herself whole-heartedly into her husband and her children. She didn't always show affection physically, but her presence in his home was something so visceral it could be sensed the moment one opened the door. His home forever smelled of gimbap and homemade kimchi and there were always Tupperware containers full of side dishes for him to share with his bandmates. He suddenly felt a sharp pain in his chest at the thought that Leann had a totally different experience with her own mom.

Leann's voice interrupted his thoughts. "I guess you could say my mom was a good example of a bad example," she laughed, but her smile never reached her eyes. When Shownu made no response, she sat quietly, picking at her hopelessly-torn cuticles. After several minutes of silence, Leann finally dug up the courage to ask, "So, you're not mad that I'm not ready yet?"

"No, of course not," he replied as he tucked her hair behind her ears so he could see her face clearer.

She let out a sigh of relief. "I was hoping you wouldn't give up on me. I'm sure I'll get there eventually."

"Yeah, of course. But listen, I don't have a problem with you not being ready, but I just don't want it to be because you feel ashamed of yourself for having these feelings."

He had hit on something, but Leann was not ready to admit it. So, she smiled brightly and said, "So, we're good, right?"

He put his arms around her and rocked her gently in place. "Yeah, we're good," he said as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.