Silent Rant

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I have a lot of things going on my mind. But i just don't have any words to spill to get things out of my head. I'm at loss of words. Aku sayang. Tapi apa yang dia buat is totally unacceptable.

Like how can you posted it on Facebook when its clearly our family matters. How can you reached out to my friend and asked him to talk to me. To asked him to tell me not to leave the house and not to make things more complicated.

How can you?

Its our family matters. Even how bad I am, even how disappointed you are with me, for me it's unnecessary to posted it on Facebook and reached out to other like that. Its our family. There is no reason for you to reached out to outsiders.

I saw on comment on FB in your posting. People asked, "dia mental ke?"

Yes. I am. I am clinically diagnosed with depression and ptsd. Medical condition that I have to fight for all my life. Maybe in your eyes, I'm healed. But actually, I'm not. I hide it well so that you won't have to worry about me. I hide it so I don't have to hear you saying things like banyakkan solat, istifar and stuff like that.

Your Whatsapp status yesterday, "depressed bukan sebab kita tak dapat apa yang kita nak, tapi kita tak bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada." Wow. Just wowwww.

Did you ever once, just once think about what would I feel when you posted something like that? Why can't you just google things about depression and try to understand my situation?

I wanted to reach out for you. I wanted to tell you about my conditions. But day by day, the things you said, it just make me want to stay like this. Silent. No communication at all. Because I think you will never understood me.

Because you think that depression is because I'm not alim enough. I'm not relying to Allah. Just once, pls understand that depression is more than that. Pls just that.

I love you. I don't want to lose you. Because you are the only one I have and I'm nothing without you.