You see, I kenal2 with this one guy. My friend introduced me to this guy. Everything was alright, and I started to think that I can rely on him. I can open my heart for him. And I think I can build a family with him. But how silly I am to dream such a dream?
Then one day, he said that he's going back to his kampung. Balik raya haji. I'm okay with it. Then sepanjang dia kat kampung, we do contact each other. Long story short. Cuti habis, both of us get back to our normal life. Busy kerja, itu ini.
But he suddenly disappeared. Alasan terlalu busy. So I'm like okay. I knew this will happen. And I also once said to him, "kau nak tinggal aku, tinggallah. Kisah pulak aku." And he said, he won't leave me. He loves me.
Kalau awak sayang, awak tak kan hilang. I know kita baru kenal, but at least in this period, you should be able to read me already. I'm a very transparent lady you know. Apa yang I cakap kat mulut, itulah yang ada dalam hati. But maybe, he couldn't read me. So he used the act of disappearing as a way to tell me his message, "hey girl, I don't want you anymore."
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So I sent the above text to him last night. I'm being bery straightforward, very blunt. I just told him my exact feelings. I'm giving up on him. He read it, but he didn't respond until a few minutes ago.
He said that, he's afraid of commitments, he get scared when we talked about marriage. Dia cakap dia dah fikir panjang. For me, I respect your decision, tak nak kawin, sebab takut komitmen, sebab belum ready. But then, I disrespect him sebab I felt like he has wasted my time.
I replied to him, I said, if you already think like this from the start, then why you agreed to know me? Why buang masa I? I have people like you.
I hate people like this, sebab not really because they wasted my time. But I hate them because why did you came into my life, and then decided to walk away after a certain period of time? I'm getting tired you know. Tired to once again open my door, let people in, put my efforts on them, but end up, all are wasted.
They left. I know you will say that people come and go for a reason. But as a human being, I also know how to get tired. It felt like a never ending circle. Keep on repeating the same things.
And because of that, I usually close my door. Until no one can come inside, and even if I let you in, once I felt like you don't give out the same efforts, the same energy, once again, I will shut the door for you.
I'm just so tired and felt like I wanna give up. Sometimes its better to be alone, rathe rthan have someone to keep you company but left at the end of the day. After all, I'm used to lonely.
So this time, I should be okay. Alahh, nangis sikit je. Nanti2, I will be okay, and come back stronger. But by that time, it will be hard to enter my door.
