Social Work

Part 10

The remainder of the weekend was calm and uneventful. Just the way I like it. Feli and her mom came by Sunday night and cooked dinner. Well, Mariana cooked. Feli shamelessly ate ingredients and whined when Mariana gently tapped her knuckles with the wooden spoon to make her stop. It was great having them over and Mariana had become like a second mother to me over the years, especially after my mama passed.

There had been many times I cried on her shoulder about Ed, work, really anything. It was as if Mariana had a preview into my soul, she always knew when something was bothering me or if I wasn't feeling well. I went with her one weekend to the botanica and she blew my mind.

So many herbs and crystals and candles and incense! And everything has a purpose or healing property. I started out small. Just some white sage. A few sticks of palo santo. But now I've started collecting crystals and using them during my meditations.

Feli thinks it's all fake and calls Mariana and I "Las Brujas de mierda" which I think is pretty funny, but her mom is always offended. Thankfully Feli and I don't have to agree on everything to still be friends. I could tell that just my burning sage in the house made Ed uncomfortable, but he would never come out and say it.

Maybe he thought I was casting a spell on him and he didn't want to upset me. Or maybe HE was the negative energy I had been trying to clear from the house? At any rate, I'm glad we went to the botanica that rainy weekend 3 years ago. It has proved to be beneficial.

Monday morning came and I woke up early to take a super hot long shower to relax before my annual check-up. They're so intrusive. I understand the necessity of it. Really, I do. But there's something about feeling that speculum slide inside me and crank open my vagina that makes me wish I had a penis.

I was already looking forward to coming back home and hadn't even gotten dried off from the shower yet. All in all, it was a routine visit. I show up 10 minutes early, and my doctor is 20 minutes late seeing me. We make small talk and pretend she isn't talking into my vagina as I stare at the ceiling and will this pap smear to come to a swift end.

When she was "all done!" she let me know everything looked normal, but she would follow up with me if anything "wonky" showed up. I pulled my jeans up over my hips and looked down at my feet as I was slipping on my flip flops. My next stop would be Nail Time. It was early on a Monday so I knew I wouldn't have to wait long, if at all. I considered it a treat for having to endure the speculum earlier.

My pedicure looked flawless as always and my feet felt 10 years younger. I got home and propped my feet up just to admire them. It's the little things in life that bring me joy. Fresh white tips on my toes are one of them.

Being at home the last few days really made me think about the direction my life was headed in without Ed around. It would be different, for sure. I was mentally and physically exhausted with our relationship and I knew divorce was for the best. But I was still slightly apprehensive about living alone.

Our house was larger than we needed, because the children we were supposed to have didn't exist. Childless and on the verge of divorce be damned. I still had love to give. I had considered joining the mentorship program with the city. Or even becoming a foster parent. I couldn't imagine having all this love and extra space, and not being a blessing to someone else. So I decided to talk to Feli and explore my options.