I find my way to the Tube and get on my train, in a tired, upset daze. It's been a long day and my eyes aren't just starting to droop. With studying and school, haven't been getting very much sleep, and my body hasn't been reacting very well. My face is breaking out even more than usual, and I haven't been eating much at all. The worst of my worries recently has been YouTube. Until just six months ago, my channel was just another fangirl, nothing in the scheme of things. Now that Dan and Phil and other "famous" YouTubers, are subscribed to me with hundred of thousands of others, I feel like I have to do more impressing. No one seems to be noticing the slight change in content, less truth and more exaggeration, craziness, but no one is complaining either.
I'm not sure I like being "fake," but I don't want to disappoint people.They came for good content, and I'll give them that. It's my job as a creator. Making videos is a huge source of anxiety too. I'm terrified that every time I upload I'll do something wrong, make everyone hate me.
My parents really only let me do this because I was happy, and it would make me money. Currently, I'm not even happy.
I think about this as I walk through the door of my flat, hardly remembering to close the door behind me. I usually get into moods like this late at night, keeping me up thinking until the early hours of the morning. That's why I got prescribed the sleeping pills. They put me to sleep like anesthetic, which is what I need. When I went to meet with a psychiatrist about all this, he simply told me that it was normal for a person of my age to feel this way, worried about the future and if people liked me. He said it would go away, but so far, it hasn't.
Before getting settled in I turn on my music, the classical playlist I have set up. Ever since I was little I've loved listening to and playing classical music, especially piano. My mother put me in piano lessons when I was younger just for that reason, so I could play the music I loved.
Some people are suprised to find out that I like classical music. Really, I like all music, excluding country and some pop. I guess I don't look like a classical person, with my short skirts and converse, but all my life I've loved Bach and Mozart and all that crowd. Most of my favorite artists are dead, with the exception of a few "emo" singers.
Once the pianist reaches the interlude, I start to daze off. Those pills do really work well. In no time I can't even hold my eyes open any more, and next thing you know, I'm asleep.
The next day is hectic, and not in the normal sense. I don't have classes, or meetings, nothing a normal person would be worried about, but anxiety makes everything worse. First I have to get out of bed (a whole struggle on its own), and make breakfast. Then, I need to finish up yesterday's video and clean the flat. After that, hit the internet and buy some throw pillows for the couch, as well as reply to business emails. A normal person would finish everything in a few hours, maybe less, but I could take the whole day depending on how much I procrastinate and mope around.
I pull myself out of bed sometime around eleven. The clock next to my bed reads ten, as I haven't bothered to change it in the last six months, but I've adjusted to the hour difference.
After a hearty breakfast of Shreddies and milk, I take a shower and get ready for a video. Before filming I'm going to have to clean up some, but the mess seems like too much to handle. Maybe I'll just make sure everything in-frame is nice and uncluttered, like I always do. I used to view myself as a tidy person, picking up my messes, but a lot can change in a few years, especially when you're living on your own.
I drag away a pile of socks, underwear and skinny jeans from the center of the floor and kick a beanie under the bed. Away go the empty crisp wrappers on the bedside table and the five empty water bottles littering the ground. In half an hour my room is sparkling clean like the day I moved in, perfect for a video. After checking myself one last time in the vanity mirror on my desk, I smile into the camera and think about what I'm going to say for at least a minute.
"Hi everyone! I'm back, and better than ever-" I stop. No. That's not right. I restart.
"So it's been one day, and here I am. I was lucky enough to get a day off, haha-" No. That laugh is too fake, no one could ever fall for that. I take a deep breath and stare at my feet. The camera's not even rolling yet and I'm stressed. This used to come so easily, and suddenly it's like trying to drink cement. I can't get a simple sentence out without stuttering or sounding awkward or something. I wish I could tell someone about all this, but for some reason I just can't do it. I feel like telling someone could lead to me being forced to a psychiatrist again or to taking a break from YouTube. Honestly, I wouldn't mind the last one all that much, but I feel bound to making videos. I'm too far deep to leave now. Plus, this is my only source of income. It's not like I can just quit my job because I don't like it anymore.
The only person who really knows about this is PJ, and he seems to understand my predicament pretty well. Though he's never been through this kind of thing, he's still helpful when it gets really bad. Like now. I pull out my phone, ready to call him, but stop myself. I don't need to worry him with this, he's busy enough. He just finished filming a new short film of his and he's probably busy editing or something. He doesn't need me to distract him more.
In the end I just give up. The subs can wait a little longer, they've had to deal with worse. After the video panic, I can't do much more except to lie on the couch and watch reruns of old Disney shows. Something tells me Dan would be proud. Around five I eat some "lunch," of a grilled cheese. Only the best meal on the planet.
Some time after my late lunch, I get a text from Dan. 'R u free?' I take a moment to reply, playing hard to get or something. I don't know, I'm the worst girl ever.
When I do finally reply, all I say is, 'Yeah. Why?' People like to make fun of my perfect texting grammar, but I'm honestly proud of it. At least you can read what I send you. Some people I'm suprised got out of Year 3, considering their spelling.
'wondering if we could go out? last time was fun btw.' I smile. I've been waiting for this text. Hanging out with Dan was great. We sort of get each other in that way that best friends do, even if we've only known each other for a few weeks. I have a weird feeling that we're going to be friends for a while.
'Sure,' I type, 'I would love to!' Dan starts replying immediatly.
'gr8! when and where?'
'Any time is fine. Even tonight might be cool, we could hang out somewhere. I don't care.' Another thing about my texts, they tend to go long. Not a bad thing, but probably not a good thing either.
'that sounds gr8! you could come to my place, phil's off with gf.' This comes as a bit of a shock to me. I didn't know Phil had a girlfriend, much less one that he actually hung out with. Funny how you think you know someone so well, but in reality there's a whole other side you've never seen. Fangirls think we've got our idols all figured out, but we only see what they want us to see. My change from fangirl to fangirled over has definitely taught me that. As I wrote before, there's plenty of stuff my viewers don't know. Since Gale and I broke up I haven't talked about him, though most people can tell as he now lives in America (or so I thought) and we don't talk about each other. I just prefer to not mention it.
Dan and I decide that I'll head over to his place around six, which is in about ten minutes. I'm lucky that I was going to film a video, otherwise I would look like a pimply mess. The one upside of making a video.
I head out to the Underground and swipe my card, resisting the urge to yell "boop" at the top of my lungs as it goes through. Before getting on the train, I notice that tingling feeling that something is going to happen. I'm not sure what, but the mini Professor Trelawney inside of me has woken up, and she's giving me the sense that I'm about to change my own life.
