"So you're just casually letting your ex stay in your apartment?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. I begged Dan to give me an excuse to leave the flat, which was becoming stuffy from all the unspoken regrets, so he took me out to walk around London. A little cold snap came in, so I'm bundled in a beanie and an actual sweater. Now the beanie makes my forehead so itchy I'm about to rip it off, and I just feel stuffy in the jacket. I miss the snow we used to get in the "country," the kind you could roll around and build a snowman in.
"Exactly," I reply, "I know, it's stupid." We stop and sit at a bench, trying not to mention how cold our asses feel against the metal. I rest my scratchy head against his shoulder, letting myself chill out a little. This whole thing isn't that bad, right? What's going to happen? I don't let myself answer that.
"So only three days, and then you'll be good?" he asks. I shrug.
"I guess so." That's a lie. After three hours I'm already feeling awful for everything. I broke his heart and I know it. I feel guilty, like the time when I accidentally killed a pet fish but 1000 times worse.
He kisses the little bit of my forehead that's not covered by my hat and leans against me. "You feel bad, don't you?" he asks. I nod, turning so my face is pressed into his jacket.
"Yes," I mutter, even if it sounds more like unintelligible mumbling through the fabric of his shirt. He nods and wraps his arm around my shoulders.
"I thought it was safe to assume. Now do you want to go get hot chocolate? I think we passed some French bakery thing on the way here." I nod and we stand up, my face still buried in his jacket.
The bakery is only a few blocks away, and by the time we've finished walking I've dried the tears that were coming and composed myself. We get an eclair to share and a small hot chocolate each.
"Can you come back to the flat with me?" I ask, realizing he hasn't actually been to my house yet.
"Sure. Maybe use my masculine powers to scare off this guy." I smile and take a sip of chocolate.
"Obviously. Right after you become Thor." He pouts like a toddler who didn't get his favorite toy, but it cheers me up. Dan generally can do that better than anyone I've ever met, even though sometimes cheering me up is a bit of a lost cause.
We finish up and pay the bill, then start heading to my house. I'm starting to dread going into my own flat, which is scary. What am I even scared of? Gale isn't going to try anything. Especially after this. Before going through the door, I stop.
"Don't do anything too dorky, alright?" I say, not sure if I'm talking to Dan or myself. Either way, good advice.
I unlock the door. "Hey, I'm back," I call, stepping into the flat. Gale is sitting on the couch, tapping away at his phone. Probably texting his new friends. He looks up and waves.
"Hi. Oh wow, isn't that... Dan?" I blush.
"Yeah... It is." Dan steps up and puts a hand on my shoulder, probably feeling very protective and terrifying. I don't know, though, he might be as terrified as I am.
I put my bag on the counter, not really sure what to do. Talk? Be silent? Take Dan into the bedroom? (Maybe no for that last one. Not yet). For now I'll take off my hat. Be more comfortable or something.
"I'm Gale," he says, shaking hands behind my back. The tension is real. I notice that he's gotten out his guitar and laid it against the couch. Hopefully I won't accidentally break it.
"I'm Dan. Great to meet you." And I thought parent teacher conferences were forced... I pretend to busy myself with getting an apple from the fridge and offering to pour some drinks.
"Do you guys want anything?" I ask, holding the cabinet with all my snacks and stuff open.
Dan shakes his head, "No. I'm good." Gale looks over the back of the couch.
"I'll have some water," he says, before explaining something about a vegan lactose-free diet. I pour a cup and walk back over, sitting down on an armchair with my apple. Silence falls over the room like poison gas, choking everyone.
Dan clears his throat, "You play guitar?" he asks Gale. Gale nods, leaning back and laying his legs on the coffee table. I don't have the will to stop him.
"Yeah, I've been playing since I was a kid. I just got back from playing with a band in America." Dan nods, pretending to be interested. He rolls his eyes in my direction when Gale turns his head.
After ten more very awkward minutes, Dan lies about having to go home and shoot a video (he said he was free for the rest of the day, earlier, but apologizes over text and says he just couldn't stand how awkward it was) and leaves me alone. We actually live in peace for a little while, me just doing some more brainstorming before texting PJ about it. He's been doing the same, constantly.
Before I know it, it's nearly eleven at night. Sometimes I get into this really hardworking mode where I don't notice anything except for my own thoughts. Side affect of inattention type ADHD, the ability to focus really closely on the one thing you are interested in. It's called hyperfocus and is actually very common among those with ADD.
"So are you like... Gonna go to bed?" asks Gale, startling me out of my trance. He look at him for a moment, blinking myself awake. "It's nearly midnight," he adds.
"Nah," I say, trying to stay calm even though there's no reason to panic whatsoever, "I stay up really late... honestly, I had to wake up early to let you in. But I can move into my room if you want to sleep in here."
He nods. "That would be cool." I pick up all my stuff, chargers and notebooks spilling out of my arms. After depositing all that on my bed, I carry in some blankets and pillows from the closet. I haven't used them in forever, I bought a million different blankets for a fort making video I did once.
"Is this good?" I ask, tossing them onto the couch. Gale nods.
"That's fine." You can go now, if you want. I'll knock if I need anything." I smile.
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I survived the first day.
// 2016 edit: not shit this time either like wow young me is getting better at writing before my very eyes//
