𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙 ➳ [ SPENCER REID ] [PARTS 1 & 2]

━━━━ letter 1

dear you,
i've decided to start a journal again. i used to have one, i started writing down everything after shayne's death. i stopped almost a week later though. no reason why i stopped, i just got bored i guess.

but i'm here to start again. i've started my new life, and i mean that literally.

today i no longer associate with the name leah gray, and i am no longer apart of the bau in quantico, virginia- sadly.

after i got shot by gregory campbell, i never thought i would be able to open my eyes again. i thought i was dead where i stood. that's what everyone thought- what everyone still thinks.

after almost two hours in surgery, the doctors realized that i was going to make it. i could hear them discussing this amongst themselves while i laid half-unconscious on the hospital bed. i remember looking over to aaron, seeing him watching from the window. i saw him talking to the doctor, and i was unsure about what they were discussing.

when i was able to talk around an hour later, aaron was the only person i saw. he told me this plan- we both knew that jason porter would not stop coming after me and anyone who had ever associated with me in any way until i was dead. so that's what i was- but not quite.

i barely remember that night now. i had lost a lot of blood and could barely remember if i had said a real goodbye to the agents. the last thing i remember was spencer and hotch walking into the room i was held in and gregory campbell holding a gun against my head. that was it, that's all i could remember.

and it SUCKS. i KNOW that if i was able to talk, i would've said something to them; a thank you for letting me work with them, ANYTHING. but now, i don't know if i was even able to talk.

hotch managed to get me a job in london, a job that i would love. i start tomorrow and i'm nervous about screwing up. i keep thinking i might refer to myself as leah instead of as my new identity and mess everything up.

so, everyone on the BAU, the people who i had considered family and the only good people in my life- all of them think that i'm dead. no goodbyes, except for the fake ones they said to me at my funeral.

i miss them more and more everyday. it's only been a day and they're the only thing i've thought about.

of course, i'm still keeping in contact with aaron. he's not getting rid of me that easily. we're going to call every night before i go to bed, and even with the five hour time difference, he'll still make time for me. the team misses me a lot, according to him. feeling's mutual.

i've thought about them nonstop- the way garcia greeted me every morning, a new nickname every day. i miss the way morgan would attempt to steal the pens off of my desk in the rare occasions that he showed up to work before i did. i miss the way rossi would call me to his office every morning to do nothing but talk. i miss the way prentiss and jj always joked with me whenever we all got the chance, and how they always made me laugh.

i miss how aaron would let me know how jack was doing. i babysat the kid for years, and after i joined the bau, one of the things i missed most about my life before the fbi, was babysitting jack. he was the sweetest kid- he always managed to put a smile on my face and i still saved every single drawing he's ever given me.

and i miss spencer reid. there's no doubt about that- he will forever be the most intelligent person i've ever met, and i will never forget the first time we had a conversation alone outside of an interrogation room- where i introduced him to "teenage dirtbag" by wheatus. he wasn't the biggest fan at first to say the least, but now i cant listen to the song without thinking about him. "her name is noelle, i have a dream about her, she rings my bell"- and so on, and the first time i showed him the burns on my leg when i was telling him my famous fire story. i will never forget spencer reid, and i pray that he never forgets me.

well, that's kind of impossible, isn't it? with the eidetic memory thing?

anyways, it's getting late, i have work tomorrow (first day!) and i'm scared that if i keep writing i won't be able to stop myself from crying.

goodnight, you
~ noelle