Carmel Reviews {CLOSED}

𝟏𝟎》𝐒𝐇𝐒 - 𝐅𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐈

"SHS" by Reviewed by: FmEver

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Title: The title is an acronym (since each letter of the title is the first letter of a word). If you want to keep this title, I suggest you put a full stop between each letter, but that's up to you. Apart from that, it's a simple title. Some readers will want to read the book, or at least the blurb, to find out what SHS means, but others won't give a second look since the title doesn't give much of the story or what this book is about. I like giving both options/opinions so you know what may or may not happen. Therefore, consider them both and decide what you feel is best for your book.

Cover: This cover is too complicated. When someone looks at the cover, you want him to focus on one, two, or three things. The number of colors and images in this cover makes the reader lose focus and cloud his eyesight. You should have one (maximum two) color in your letters. You used white for the author's name and too many colors for the rest of the letters. Also, the title is too small compared to the explanation of the acronym. In addition, there are too many things happening on that cover. Simple isn't boring. Consider removing the other words, keeping only the title and author's name (I would remove the "by" before the name). Use only one color for the letters, and please change the cover, or if you still want it, change the colors. It's too bright and too tangled.

Blurb:

The trio "has" worked

A comma after "Hacker," "pasts," "Intelligent," "enigmatic," "the past nine years"

What will happen when one of the members "of" the trio...

That she has done "for" the last nine years...

I would remove "just" from the second paragraph and "single" from the third.

The blurb is very good. It gives the main points of the story, names the basic characters, introduces the main plot, and ends in a cliffhanger. Good job!

Opening chapter: It was an interesting, exciting first chapter. The reader can see how the team works and learn a few things about them.

The descriptions were very good, though, at times, you focused too much on simple actions. I would like to see more of their thoughts about the mission, and maybe you could add a few details about how easy it was compared to the first one.

You have a chapter before the first one, where you have put pictures of the people who could portray the characters. I'm not fond of it, but if you like it, you can keep it. Nevertheless, I would like to see descriptions of their physical appearance during the first chapter (unless you have added it in the upcoming chapters).

Plot: According to the blurb, the girls have been in that job for nine years. In almost every scene, I was trying too hard to see this, but it was impossible. They supposedly enter other's houses, seduce them, steal from them, and they are always successful. Yet, they have no idea how to use a gun (how did that Simon guy trust these girls without proper training or defense techniques?). Also, they are too naïve and careless. Josephine trusted a stranger in Italy. You mention in the blurb that they have dark pasts. It sounds interesting, but I can't see how their past has affected them. Humans change their personality, they become harsher and rougher when they face something dark. But somehow the opposite happened to these girls. Last but not least, I expected to see women who study the place, the people they are going to face, or anything at all about the mission, and yet, when they arrived in Italy they seemed to know nothing.

Character: I expected them to be more professional and mature. I didn't like the way they handled the men in chapter 2.

As I mentioned previously, the girls are too naïve and one dimensional. Add emotions, special traits, unique behaviors (Making one of the girls say "fuck" in every sentence isn't that good). Make them so good that the reader won't be able to forget them.

Grammar/Vocabulary/Punctuation:

Most of the time the punctuation is perfect. However, sometimes you forget (?) some rules. If a dialogue tag follows dialogue, then you put the word in lowercase.

Example: "What happened?" she asked.

If action follows, you use a capital letter.

Example: "What happened?" She grabbed Sara's arms in an attempt to catch her attention.

Also, if "and" is between two independent sentences, then you put a comma before "and" (most of the times, you used the comma correctly)

I noticed that you use a lot of dialogue tags. I understand it's difficult to keep track of who's talking when the three girls are in the scene, but you could put more actions or make the characters' speech more unique so that the reader can understand who's talking. Achieving the second option requires time and a lot of exercises. The first one can be achieved easier. For example: "Josephine asked with a tint of smile on her face"

Instead, you could say: "A tint of smile formed on Josephine's face."

In this way, you avoid the vast use of dialogue tags, and the reader understands who's talking.

Check my comments about small grammar/punctuation mistakes or typos. I've also commented on run-on sentences. Check this out because you had a lot of run-on sentences.

Stick to one tense. Since you mostly use past tenses, don't forget to write all your verbs in past tenses.

You use "smirk" too many times. In chapter 3, almost everyone has smirked at least once. The reader understands that you either cannot use many different words (dialogue tags) or that your characters are too basic to do anything else.

Originality: I had too many "Charlie's Angels"' vibes.

Overall impression: I didn't enjoy it. I liked the original idea, and the blurb set my expectations high, but I was disappointed. If you want to keep their naïve, clueless personality, go for it. But the blurb is talking about strong, willing, and rough girls, and I encountered young women who were incapable of handling the job. Consider if you want your story to be realistic. If you don't mind the plot holes or the character issues, keep their personalities, but I strongly suggest to change them immediately from the first chapter.

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