Carmel Reviews {CLOSED}

𝟕》 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄 - 𝐅𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐈

"Live Against Your Life" by queenieexxx

Reviewed by: FmEver

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Title: The title is mysterious, and the contrast it creates is perfect.

After finishing the story, I must say that the title is perfect!

Cover: I would make the sentence above the title in bold, or put bigger letters because the author's name is not legible. The font the title is very beautiful.

Blurb: I was impressed! You give the name of the protagonist, the basic elements of the world, and the book and create a cliffhanger and a mystery. You did a great job.

However, there are a few details that can improve it.

Add a comma after "were torn apart"

Two sentences can generally say the same thing but leave an entirely different impression based on the verb choices. Passive voice tends to slow down the pace of the story (or the blurb in our case). Therefore, it's better to avoid it. It's not easy, but it's worth trying.

For example, you can change "billions of lives were lost" with "billions of people lost their lives/died"

I didn't have a problem with that, but maybe a few people might find it simplistic: "but then, Lily's past was just that." I would rephrase this sentence and use the beautiful vocabulary you are familiar with.

Opening chapter: This was an amazing first chapter! The pace was great. The little clues about this world were enough to intrigue and captivate but not too many to bore the reader. I loved the contrast between the protagonist staring at the sky and the woman running scared away from her. It was only a small scene but was the proof of what the girl said about laws, the algorithm, and their programmed lives.

I noticed that you started a lot of your paragraphs with "and" which is not very good. (And is one of the seven coordinating conjunctions that join words, phrases, and clauses that are balanced as logical equals.)

You can try using other words or phrases. For example, "in addition," "furthermore," "moreover," etc., or you can rephrase your sentences.

For example, you can write "The moment I least expected it, the line jolted." Instead of "And then the line jolted."

I believe that your last paragraph can be improved by adding or changing a couple of words. Look at what I've written. I would love to hear your opinion on the matter.

"Throwing my coat aside, I clambered into the sofa to watch a rerun of a news show alone. I sighed and shallowed a memory rushing to me. That was what I was doing every day, and I had to accept it. The silence of the room broke when someone cleared his throat. I didn't have enough time to panic for the existence of a stranger in my house when the person put his hand over my mouth in a silent grip."

Plot: I felt that the first two chapters escalated very fast. I would like to see more of her everyday life, the way she interacted (if she did) with other people, how her city (the place she lives in) looks like so that I could connect more to her world.