Carmel Reviews {CLOSED}

𝟏𝟒》𝐖𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐆𝐎 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 - 𝐏𝐈𝐘𝐀

"We Can Go Back" by LynaForge

Reviewed By: 

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TITLE:

Your title is relevant to the story but not catchy. I would suggest you to keep is SEMSIS - (SOMETHING RELATED TO IT) something like that.

COVER:

Your cover to be honest is nice, but It looks a little cartoonish. I would suggest you not to have any characters in the cover, but a world cover like the place or something like that. It should scream fantasy

BLURB:

The blurb is good, but it's very short. A blub is a reflection of the book. A Fantasy book needs a bigger blurb because it has to set the time, the characters and the stakes. It did have a interesting stake like the mother angle but that is not enough to pull you inside a story. Your world is set with Elements, humans and imps. Explain how different they are in a better way and add more stakes for me to jump right in.

OPENING CHAPTER:

Dear, take my review as an advice to improve your chapter because opening is everything.

I like your opening, but it is still lacking a lot of things that can make it even more. I'll break it down in points for your better understanding:

CHARACTER TRAITS & LOOK:

The first thing you really have to work on is your giving description of the characters. You have told me that your MC is called elements. Establish what an element looks like. I don't know if they look like a human or an animal, or maybe they have a unique trait. You mentioned about the hair, but is the hair different looking than other humans?

WORLD BUILDING:

Again, I am not talking about the hair. I am talking about the surrounding. I have mentioned this in the blurb as well. You have first start with telling me which Era is this whole thing taking place. If it's in the future, then how far in the future? Or if it's a fiction land then something about the fiction. I know you are trying to keep the mystery on but you have to establish a ground first to build the story on. The same goes for the house as well. If it was a normal story i would still need a little of setting, then this is a Fantasy. I definitely need an understanding of how the rooms or the house looks like or the setting looks like. Is it like a normal house or is it different?

READABILITY & DIALOGUES:

I don't if this me or you, but I found this story a little confusing. I really did not know what was happening. Maybe because of the points mentioned earlier. Whenever a new thing comes up in the book, try explaining it properly then and there because readers will get irradiated when they don't understand the story also your dialogues don't look natural. The replies that the protagonist gives looks irrelevant. For example : When Lilah says that she will cook something, her mom says" No, thank you" and it;s odd. You can write" It's okay Lilah" or something that personalizes this dialogue. It looks like she is talking to a complete stranger. The same goes with the father. He says something like " You should have announced yourself earlier," and that's a weird dialogue. It can be like "You should have showed up earlier or where were you all this while," Third example is when she talks to her brother about the hair. He is talking about the cure, and she asks him "How was work" and that's completely irrelevant.

Also, your first chapter changes tenses a lot. Please look for that.

PLOT:

Your plot is actually quite interesting firstly because it's unique, and it moves in the steady. The only thing I really like about your plot is something or the other is always happening and the bike scene with escott. You practically nailed that but again you have mentioned a lot of terms in the middle that I don't understand the meaning off for example you mentioned the guardians in the second chapter, but you didn't explain who they were or what they do right then and there. The protagonist can discover new things about the land, but as a reader I should have knowledge that the characters do. One or two lines about the creature's description will make the plot more steady. You have explained it later in the book, but it pulled me out of the story.

CHARACTERS:

Talking about the characters I think they have a pretty unique voice. Lilah is emotional, responsible and family oriented while Escott is funny, quirky and if I am honest I like reading about him more than Lilah and as for the side characters. Escott's father seems like an interesting read. He is a typical employee and a father. There is one thing I would like to point out here though. Don't use terms like "second in command girl" repetitively. Give them names, and it's easier to name them since it is a third-person POV.

GRAMMAR:

Your grammar needs work. You have mastered sentence structuring, but there were many typos and spelling errors I found in the book. Also, instead of saying "That machine sounded" describe the sound like it buzzed or something. Your punctuation is good.

ORIGINALITY:

I am not a Fantasy reader, so I don't know if this is an absolutely original concept or not, but it looked pretty original to me and the description of all powers being in the hair concept was amazingly original. I think this book has amazing potential if you work on the above things.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I enjoyed the story till where I read, but I noticed that you don't interact with your readers. This is something you should definitely do. It will keep your readers engaged and willing to read more, and you can ask them for their feedback as well. Your story has a lot of potential. All the best for your work.

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