Carmel Reviews {CLOSED}

𝟏𝟐》𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒 𝐈𝐍 𝐒𝐋𝐔𝐌 - 𝐅𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐈

"Stars in Slum" by zaolat03

Reviewed By: FmEver

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Title:

Cover: The cover fits the title, but I wasn't a fan of it. I didn't like the pink background. I believe it doesn't suit. If you want to keep the photo, I suggest you remove the background.

Blurb:

I don't (you forgot the "t" and the apostrophe).

Oversized (one word)

*In the long run

Those are some of the mistakes you made. In general, the grammar was good. And after a comma, put a space and then start the next word.

You used the word "kwashiorkor"

I'm not a native-English speaker, and I had never heard of that word. It's not a word many people use or know. I'd rather say that the boy was malnourished. Keep in mind that you want your readers to understand what you say and not search in a dictionary for new words.

In the second part of your blurb, you mentioned the word "slum" too many times, and it is annoying and tiring. Find a synonym or rephrase your sentences.

Apart from those mistakes, it wasn't an interesting or captivating blurb. The plot isn't clear, and you mention people with no other clue or explanation of who they are. You want to say too many things, but there is no explanation.

Opening chapter: You introduced too many characters, and you info-dumped a lot. That means that you gave too much information at once. Except for the protagonist, I had no clear idea who the other people were and what their exact relationship was.

Don't give too much information at once. Also, show and not tell. I don't need you to explain how this world works or how those people think. I want to see it through their actions, their emotions, their interactions. This is one of the hardest parts of writing, and everyone is struggling, but it's very important to overcome it.

You gave a few clues about the world, the misery, the sadness, and the poverty, but I couldn't see the plot. I couldn't understand what this story is about. Yes, of course, it's tragic, and a real-life story that happens to so many people across the world, but why do I need to read about those things? Is the children-dumping related to one of the characters? Is the protagonist's failing the main plot or just the beginning of it? The main problem of both the blurb and the first chapter is that nothing is clear. Give clues about your plot. Is it an empowering story about a person who overcomes difficulties? Is it about a family trying to survive and find joy in poverty? The reader needs to know what he's going to read, or he'll lose his interest very soon.

Plot: I said it before, and I'll say it one more time. The plot wasn't clear. I didn't know what the story was about. I couldn't understand what you wanted to say or how you imagined the story to unfold. As I mentioned in a previous paragraph, one of the main issues is that you say everything. I don't want you to tell me how this world works; I want to discover it myself through the characters, their reactions, and their emotions.

Characters: At this point, I've already said a few things about the characters and how they should be the ones to show the world. Besides, the characters weren't unique. I could read their thoughts, but in most cases, not their emotions. There was too much dialogue, but even that wasn't enough to make me understand what their soul carried. I didn't know what they liked, what their dreams were (except for a few exceptions).

Grammar/ Punctuation/ Vocabulary:

Sometimes there weren't any full stops at the end of the sentences.

Always put a space between words and words and quotation marks. For example, you should say: "How are you?" he asked. You seem to write like that: How are you?"he asked.

It might look silly or a minor detail but space exists for a reason. It gives your readers time to breathe between words, and it makes your writing look neater.

Avoid using numbers when writing. Write seventeen, and not 17.

I noticed that you have many run-on sentences, and sometimes your sentences are five or six lines long. In case you are unfamiliar with the term, a run-on sentence occurs when two or more independent clauses are connected improperly.

Check this link for more info on run-on sentences: https://academicguides.waldenu.edu/writingcenter/grammar/runonsentences

I noticed some typos and grammar was usually okay, but the run-on sentences and the lack of proper punctuation was the major turn-off of the story.

When you end the dialogue in an exclamation mark, don't add a comma afterward. (The same goes for full stops and exclamation marks.)

Example: "Why did you do it?" she asked.

"I had no idea!" she said.

I also noticed that you use too many dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are words like say, scream, answer, etc that follow a dialogue. Don't use a dialogue tag after every (or almost every) dialogue. It's okay to not say someone's name every time someone speaks, especially if there are only two people in the scene. If there are more than two people, you can use an action to show who's speaking. Remember that when you have action after the dialogue, the dialogue ends in a full stop, and the action starts with a capital letter.

Originality: It's a unique idea, and I haven't read anything like it.

Overall impression: I didn't like it. I didn't like the writing style, and everything was confusing. I couldn't connect with the characters. Also, everything was too miserable. I understand that this is the way of the world and the place they live in, but the reader wants to see a hint of joy or a glimpse of hope. Try to have some balance in your writing.

I suggest you work on your characters first. Find out who they are, what their goal is, and what motivates them in life. Then, outline the plot and create points: Point one, point two, climax, finale, etc. Then, go back to your story, use what you've learned from your characters to edit your story, and finally, focus on the small grammar and punctuation mistakes.

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