hearts formed by solicitude and desolation

⌈ 7 ⌋

ᏞᎾᎪᎠᏆNᏩ . . . . .

ᏞᎾᎪᎠᏆNᏩ ᏟᎾᎷᏢᏞᎬᎢᎬ!

you didn't realize the extent of how terrible something could be until you actually experienced it yourself. it's like they say, you never know how someone truly feels until you walk a mile in their shoes. and now there you were, having just experienced it yourself, and you really wished you hadn't. you really wished that it could've been anything else.

it was like no matter how much you tried to block it, you couldn't forget the feeling of niragi now permanent on your skin. you blinked and you felt the harsh grip of his hands on your wrists, pushing down hard enough so you couldn't move. and no matter how often you rubbed your eyes you could never wipe away the image of the look he had given you, as if you were just some play thing he could do whatever he wanted to with. maybe in his eyes you were. you doubted you meant anything to him, which is exactly why he did what he did. but still, you couldn't understand how other victims could forget, or forgive, or come to terms with what had happened. did they feel as worthless as you did at that moment? did they want to get rid of the thoughts blaming themselves as if it was their fault?

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and the perpetrators, didn't they feel any remorse? didn't they feel, even for just one second, as if what they were doing was wrong? didn't they listen to the screams and cries for them to stop?

weren't they human just like you?

you weren't sure how long you sat there alone, empty tears streaming down your face that you made no move to remove. eventually the tears stopped, however, like you had run out and for a while it was just you and the darkness of the night engulfing you. you thought that maybe you should head back, they shouldn't be around anymore, but the numbness of your legs and the thought that he would be there in the lobby made you second guess yourself. maybe you should just stay there, or find yourself a nice little apartment in tokyo. you wouldn't ever have to see him again, and you could just live on your own if you wanted to. would that be better?

but then you thought about chishiya, and how he was probably waiting for you in the lobby. was it worth it? leaving him behind? were you really okay with leaving the man that you cared deeply for without even telling him a word? but chishiya would understand, right? he would understand that you couldn't go back.

however, the more you tried to convince yourself, the more you realized that you couldn't do it. chishiya had tried to do the same thing to you after all, and you weren't going to let your efforts for him to stay be in vain. it wouldn't be fair to him, either. you told him you weren't going to die, and not returning was basically insinuating that that was what happened. you didn't want to leave him wondering what had happened to you. niragi or not, if you were going to leave the beach, it would be with the blond by your side.

so, after several minutes of calming yourself down you shakily got up, trying to ignore how heavy your body felt as you walked. luckily for you the beach wasn't far away, and with the minutes spent in the car ride it didn't take long for the building to come into view. this time you experienced no trouble with the guards as you went through the small archway.

you kept your head low as you entered the main room, glancing around quickly for a flash of white. you thought he'd be towards the back like he usually was, but you couldn't recognize the bodies lounging around. your heart started beating a little quicker when you couldn't find him, glancing around wildly. was he running late in his game? was he waiting for you in your room instead? or had whatever game he played tonight killed him? had you really returned for nothing?