Ultraviolence [Kylo Ren] - ON HIATUS

Chapter 1: Little One

Your dreams were hardly dreams lately.

Instead, they were an amalgamation of different scenes, like a movie, somehow you could tell that they were memories. Sometimes the thoughts weren't even your own, borrowed nostalgia. You would find yourself as a passenger to a place you've never been before, observing people and even languages you'd never encountered.

It was as if you were seeing into someone else's mind.

These dreams were always short, flashing through in bits and pieces. When you woke up you could never even remember what you'd just experienced.

But it always left you with an exhausted feeling. No matter how much rest you had, you never felt energized. It was draining.

You always woke up the same:

Bright light.

Searing pain.

It was a familiar enough feeling at this point. But still, it caused you to jolt awake from bed with a gasp, yanking your blankets away from you so that you could jump onto your feet.

Holding your hand out, you were comforted by the feeling of your lightsaber moving in the air, into your hand, where you gripped it tightly, ready. The red light erupted from either end, causing a glow throughout your room.

As you took in deep breaths of air, you were able to calm yourself down, reminding yourself that you were alone in your quarters. But yet, your eyes were wild as they searched the room, on guard.

Nothing.

It was just you and the blank metallic walls that surrounded you. The low hum of the ship passing through the galaxy.

You tossed your lightsaber onto the ground in frustration, sitting back down on your bed and putting your head in your hands.

You lost track of the amount of times this has happened to you over the past month. Of course, you kept it to yourself. You weren't willing to let anyone around you know that you were feeling weak.

Your head constantly hurt, your appetite was gone, and you always had this sneaking feeling of someone watching you. If you were able to admit it, you might even start accusing yourself of going crazy. But you knew that wasn't the case. It was something else, something bigger than you.

You went to the medbay many times. You had them run tests and observe you overnight. There was no explanation for the way you'd been feeling.

You hated not having all of the answers.

You hated feeling out of control.

You attempted to lay back down, keeping the walls up in your mind as you shut your eyes. You needed more sleep, you could feel the pounding in your head and the stinging of your eyes that told you so. But you knew it wouldn't come. You were awake now and it was going to stay that way, you had been too worked up when you thought you were in danger to find any peace in the form of going back to bed.

Later that day, you were in combat training with a few guards, trying to keep your mind sharp even though every circumstance surrounding you was turning it dull. You weren't on your best behavior, not making strikes that you usually would or taking a few extra hits than usual. You just kept feeling this pressure in your mind, a grip inside of your body. It was so distracting.

Really, you were pissed at yourself for letting it get to you.

And so, when you were informed that Snoke needed to speak with you, it only added to your shitty mood. It didn't matter how many times you were alone with the Supreme Leader or how much trust he put into your abilities, meetings with him would always be coupled with anxiety. As much restraint as you had over your emotions, that was one that would never go away. Snoke would always make you nervous.