Reality

Chapter 13

It's been about 3 days since we left the hospital, and I just woke up. I haven't had this good of a sleep in a long time, and it feels good to relax my body after such a long journey. I know we're not in Chicago yet, but I just can't stop thinking about all the possibilities we have to conquer; we won't have to be watched anymore, and we can just be ourselves. 

I've been lying on Thomas for a while and his arm is wrapped around me, it's nice to know that someone actually cares about me. I just need to keep working on taking care of myself further than I do. I always tend to focus on everyone else besides myself, I just don't want to center my attention on what's really going through my mind. So I decide to focus on others, it's a good thing to do sometimes, but I forget that I need to take care of myself too. 

"Hey, what time is it?" Thomas looked at the time that was in the front of the bus, "about three in the morning. We're going to get off in about 2 hours which leads to a bus station; we'll stay the rest of the night at a motel until our next ride. When we get there, we'll check in to the place." I nod, we've been using fake names everywhere we go, we cannot get caught again. I'm getting really tired of being on a bus, I mean don't get me wrong, it's better than walking the rest of the way, but my legs are getting tired. "Alright, wake me up when we're there," he gave me a sheepish smile and nodded.

Lydia woke me up when we got to the station, Thomas probably fell asleep. I'm not surprised, it's close to 5 in the morning, so I understand why he didn't wake me up. "How many more stops do we have to go to? My legs are becoming jello and I haven't showered in weeks." The last time I actually had a nice shower, was the day before we ran away. All I've had to clean myself with is washing off in a pond, lake, or river; I do not count those as a real shower. "We're almost there, we only have 1 more stop until we reach Chicago," Josh looked really thrilled when Lydia told us.

I looked happy on the outside, but I am freaking out right now. I was fine a couple of hours ago, I guess it just hit me that we're almost there, and I haven't become any different than I was on day one. I'm just a wanna be confident and independent young woman, but in reality I haven't changed one bit. "Cool, I'm going to go lay back down in our room." I walked away sulkily to the room we rented out and then I heard Thomas come in. 

"Hey Harp, what's going on with you? You were cheery when we left the hospital, and now you're not really talking to anyone." I don't want to tell him what's the matter with me, I can't show him how vulnerable I am or else he'll think I'm weak. "Nothing." I snapped back at him, I know he's just trying to help but I can't help it. He just won't understand what I'm feeling right now. Me having him know that I'm the same fragile, sensitive, try to be a badass but can't, and I'm still a girl who can't even grow up. 

I just want to go back to the days where I had my mom, dad, Jordan, and Mason; where we were all happy and smiling and alive. Now I have to grow up without my mom, dad, Jordan and Mason, I'm scared that if they got the chance to look at me now, they'd feel ashamed of me. 

Why couldn't I be like Jordan who doesn't have a care in the world, and could have a good comeback at any moment. Why can't I be like Mason and my dad, who would protect any one of our family members no matter what the circumstances were. What really matters to me, is why can't I be like my mom? She was so confident, strong willed, creative, beautiful, why couldn't I turn out to be like her? I looked up and saw his dark brown skin, luscious black curls and piercing blue eyes trying to comfort me, and realized that Thomas was still here; I started to cry and he just cradled me and didn't say anything.

We laid there for what seemed like hours, "do you want to talk about it?" I shrugged my shoulders at him, "I don't know... how," I was sucking in breaths trying to calm down. "Just try to, unless you're not ready," I nodded my head at him. If I don't tell someone about what I'm feeling now, it will come out eventually and when it does, I'll feel like I'd explode into a million tiny pieces. 

"I try so hard to be strong and my own person, but I can't... I can't be like everyone else. I feel like I'm floating trying to find my place, while everyone is just watching and laughing at me. I don't belong anywhere. I'm not what everyone else wants me to be, I can't even be the person I want to be. I always looked up to my mom, I still do, but now she'd probably be embarrassed about what I have become..." I stopped abruptly, I couldn't say anything else, or else I think I would break down again.

"You're wrong." I looked up at him confusingly, "what?" He looked back at me, "your wrong Harper. You are your own person, and I don't think you see what everyone else is looking at. You're your own worst enemy, you know that? You are so confident, kind, intelligent, beautiful, and you do belong somewhere. It might be the place you least expect it, but you do belong somewhere. I'll be by your side the whole way, and I'm sure Lydia and Josh will be too. The only thing stopping you from being you, is yourself. You can't always put people in front of you. If you don't love and believe in yourself, you won't get anywhere in life. When a challenge comes, you won't think you're going to accomplish anything. I know you can, we all do, but if you don't know or even think about being able to succeed, then you won't. It's all inside your head Harp, it all comes down to whether or not you think you can do it. We all love you for who you are Harp, I love you for who you are and I don't want you to change. Be your own person, just be you." 

He really thinks about me this way, I never knew he felt this, "You.. love me?" He beamed down at me with those dimples and smile, "Harper Einar, I love you." I looked up at him and couldn't help but smile, "Thomas Cyprus, I love you." I know that we just started dating, but I do love him. I've loved him ever since I laid my eyes on him, I just wouldn't allow myself to admit my feelings towards him.