Unkontrollierbar ~der Gedanke reicht und du bist drin~

Eine Nachricht an einen Freund

(Heute mal auf englisch)

I don't know why I feel the need to tell you this but I looked/felt wasted on that pic because I tried to throw up multiple times. I'm sick of living in my body and the way I ate so much again let me feel very bad about myself again so I just sat infront of my toilet and tried different ways of throwing up. I gagged, yes. But nothing came. I can't just throw up. That fact made me cry in a long time again. I'm so sick of my brain just not functioning the right way. I make myself feel things nobody should feel. I weigh myself almost everyday to just disappoint myself more and more because I just want to get skinnier and prettier. But I'm just too lazy to work out and I still eat so much on one day. On some days I really feel pretty about myself because some people make me feel this way, but most of the days I just stand infront of my mirror and ask myself why people can find me attractive. And I fucking hate these thoughts. The way I hate myself is destroying me so goddamn much. It's not just the way I see myself. It's also the way I feel about my character. I feel like I'm not good enough. I really want to make my family proud of me. But you know? Part of my family doesn't like me because they also think my dad is a failure. And the other half has so high standards which I can't reach. Everyone thinks I'm such a good student and they think I'm just too lazy that's why my grades got worse. But no. I really want to be good. And I really want to try and get my shit together. But every goddamn time I sit down and try to do things my thoughts get worse. I try and if just one little thing isn't working my head goes like "Oh yes you see that? Why does everyone can do this just not you mhh? Loser!" And that destroys me. I don't want to do my homework or go to school anymore because of these thoughts. Plus in school I don't have much friends. Everyone I've known got new friends and isn't interested in me anymore. I've spent lunch breaks on my own. Just me and my thoughts. Good combination right? The fuck not. I can tell that I'm trying so goddamn hard everyday even tho I'm just laying in my bed doing nothing.  I'm really trying. And I get that nobody can see that, because it's just laziness to them. Even some friends told me I'm a hypocrit because I try not to seem like I have problems or when I don't understand their problems. I feel like everything I do is wrong and I hate being here. In my body. In my life. I even try to not harm myself just for those I like. But today I couldn't resist again. I just couldn't. And I'm sorry but I just wanted to feel again...