❝ʟᴏᴏᴋ ᴀᴛ ᴜꜱ. ᴛᴡᴏ ᴋɪᴅꜱ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀɴɢᴇʀ ɪꜱꜱᴜᴇꜱ ꜱɪᴛᴛɪɴɢ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴀʟᴋɪɴɢ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴏᴜʀ ꜰᴇᴇʟɪɴɢꜱ.❞
❝ᴀᴡ ꜱʜɪᴛ, ɪᴛ'ꜱ ɢᴏᴛᴛᴀ ʙᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀᴘᴏᴄᴀʟʏᴘꜱᴇ.❞
and that brings me to the final m...
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ME AND THE BOYS NEVER talked about this type of thing. It was sort of unspoken, What had happened . She just left. I remember one day with her really vividly, We were all sitting around the fire playing truth or dare, The boys dared us to make out "Should we give them the satisfaction?" Kie had asked me "Of seeing us kiss or seeing us freak out?" I had giggled back "Let's do it." She whispered in my ear and I nodded, I leaned in and kissed her, she cupped my cheek with her hand and my hand went in her hair. It wasn't a bad kiss. When we pulled away the boys cheered and laughed. "So?" I had asked jj "was it everything in your weird lesbian fantasy?" He bust out laughing and nodding. reminiscing on memories like these make me sad. but also proud of myself for cutting out someone that, someone that, when i think about makes me sad. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 18, 2018
I woke up that at the memory, when I noticed the tears on my cheeks. I wiped them off and got out of bed, Or I guess I should say couch. I grabbed a pot and a spoon and started banging on it,
"Wake up losers!" I yelled walking around the house
"Ugh what the actual fuck?" John b groaned getting up and prying the spoon and pot out of my hands
"You love me." I said giving him a kiss on the cheek, he grumbled about the time as he walked towards the fridge.
"Wakey wakey sleeping beautyyyyyyy!" I yelled as I jumped on jj's bed
"Your dead cams." He said grabbing me
"Agh jj!" I yelled as he tackled me pulling me onto the bed, we just laid there for a second, I was on top of him. I realized my position and got off quickly, slightly going red. he followed suit and we walked into the kitchen,
"whats for breakfast bonnie?" jj asked
"why, i dont know clyde maybe you could cook for yourself for once?" i offered copying his accent
"i don't think that will be necessary." we heard and turned around to see pope walking in the doughnuts.
"god i love you." i said giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek he laughed and set them down on the counter
everyone grabbed a doughnut and i picked out a pink one with rainbow sprinkles, bringing it into the kitchen, grabbing a butter knife and cutting it carefully down the center. i brought half with me to the table and put the other back in the box. pope side glanced at me looking down at the piece of food and then back in my eyes making a whats that about look, i just shrugged and took a small bite, pretending to be interested in whatever the boys were talking about, seemed like maybe surfing?
who knows.
fast forward a few hours were sitting on the dock. i'm scrolling on my phone, talking to pope, as jj and john b fish.
"whens the old man coming home?" i asked john, his dad had been out for a while, he mentioned disappearing briefly but i dont really remember.
"oh, uh, not sure. he'll turn up. always does." he said. i just nodded and turned back to instagram. i switched to looking for music after seeing too many pictures of beautiful people.
i sighed and grabbed the speaker, connecting it to my old broken iPhone 7. i put on wallows and laid down, leaning my head against popes shoulder.
i sighed.
i think i'm happy.
i'm not sure.
i could convince myself i am, just as easily as i could convince myself i'm not, which is quite easily incase you were wondering.
the feeling of being content is an odd one.
i'm not sure i'm entirely happy,
i could pick out a few things to make myself upset:
the fact that when i sit a certain way against the dock my leg fat shows,
thinking about the secrets i'm keeping
but then again,
the fact that i'm fine until i mention all that crap, shows that i'm okay
i'm content.
"hellooo?" i blinked looking up and squinting in the dying sunlight,
"you like, alive and shit?" jj asked me.
"sadly." i said closing my eyes they laughed and returned to their conversation,
"you good?" pope whispered
"mmhm." i mumbled "just tired.." he nodded unsurely
the next time i awoke i was in the hammock with jj,
more than i'd like to admit. i mean for a while it was just like "he's going to die sometime soon." which is awful but it has since become, "it could be in a month, or fucking tomorrow."
i really need to tell the pogues. but i just-
i can't bring myself to, and i don't know why and i know theres no reason to feel this way but i cant shake this feeling.
although i know its going to be such a big deal but so much worse if he dies and then i have to explain it all, whilst grieving.
i'll figure it out.
a/n: heyyyyyy how are my favorite ppl? i hope u enjoyed and tell me if theres any grammar problems or spelling or if you have any suggestions for stuff, i'll always accept constructive criticism :)
