I Love You Again and Again

Chapter 12

[ Kohana Aoki, Saira's mother perspective ]

FAMILY Is something that I despised. My mother was a single mother who worked in a bare. She always would come back home late drunk. She always was like that since I was born. She never looked at me in the eyes, never listened to me, never hugged me, never sat beside me and talked to me. My mother's family? They disowned her until she got married to some wealthy man when I was in high school. I did not move with her to her new house. I worked hard and took multiple part times jobs when I was in middle school. I rented my apartment and took care of myself. I never called her nor visited her. I did not miss her nor thought of her, I paid my school and tuition fees by myself and worked harder in part-time jobs until I was scouted by a modeling agency. I worked hard to be at the top and live a comfortable life. After a year of my debut as a model, I have become the most-streamed fashion model and the most asked for by high luxurious brands after only one year and so.
I finished high school without any problems and began to focus on my career as a model. Not long after, I heard from some relatives that my mother got divorced. I did not care, I couldn't. She also did not look for me.
Not long after I moved into a luxurious apartment, took over 550 commercials, and was asked to show as a guest in a drama, and from here things started to change.
I met Masahiro Endo, who was the male lead and the hot topic all over the magazines and television. I did not care about him, I just thought that he was someone who did not know the meaning of suffering because he was born with a golden spoon. However, when he started to talk to me and hanged out with me, I felt that this man is different and special. He treated me nicely, looked me in the eyes when I talk to him, listen to me, and supported me. We started as best friends and developed into lovers.
He was always beside me when the news about my mother got to the reporters. I was scared, terrified, and nervous. I blamed everything on my mother who did not act as a proper decent mother. However, who thought that person (Kohana's mother) would come out to the public and apologize for how she behaved in the past and that I have nothing to do with her. "Please don't blame her or hate her for things she has no control of. She couldn't pick her parents, therefore, I am at fault. I never acted as a proper decent mother to Kohana-chan. Never raised her as a mother, never looked at her properly, never called her properly, and never loved her properly. At that time I was young and foolish. I was a woman who was lost and was busy searching for love and attention which I couldn't get from my family. I distant myself from my child because I did not want her to be like me. I thought by doing that my child won't get embarrassed by her friends if they never saw me with her. I thought by doing this my child could live her life normally and won't be influenced by my action and attitude. I regret what I have done and I have no right to give any excuses. I want to say Kohana-Chan, I'm sorry for letting you suffer. I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I'm sorry for letting you live like this. Would you please give me another chance to be a proper mother? I won't disturb or change anything about how you live. All I'm asking for is... To give me the chance to hug you and apologize to you personally." She said.

After that, Masahiro stood beside me and consultant me whenever I awkward with dealing with my mother. We started to get closer to each other bit by bit.
Not long, Masahiro asked me for marriage. And here was my best miracle that happened. When I discovered that I was pregnant with my lovely daughter Saira. I was happy and excited to meet her. Every day, every week and every month passed with love and affection. I felt weird and strange. How could I have this much love and affection for someone I never met yet? It was a miracle and a blessing.
The day has come to meet Saira, my child, my love. Because I took care of myself very well when I was pregnant the delivery was not that tough. When I saw Saira for the first time I shed tears of happiness. I was so happy and blessed. The 3 of us took our first family picture. I, Masahiro, and our lovely child Saira.

Not long after my company contacted me due to work, I had to leave Saira. If I knew before this... If I knew that I would love my daughter this much, I wouldn't have signed the contract. I signed a commitment contract to go back to work after my delivery. I had to finish all the work that has loaded over me when I took a pregnancy break.
My mother wanted to take care of Saira because she knew I was busy. " I want to take care of Saira as a redeem for the times that I couldn't take care of you," she said. I did not have any choice. I did not want to leave her with a stranger either and... I wanted to give my mother a chance. It broke my heart as I watched Saira go with my mother. It hasn't passed a day, and I already miss my child. Whenever I and Masahiro miss Saira we would look at the picture, where only the 3 of us in. Whenever, I see the picture I wanted to hug her, care for her, and look after her but... I couldn't do anything because I was super busy. Masahiro was also busy, and we kept getting busier as days and years passed.

My mother passed away due to malignant disease. Did I feel sad? I did feel sad but not that much, after all, we weren't that attached and I resented her for a long time. I felt sad but it did not affect me.
After my mother passed away, Saira came to live with us. We felt so excited to have Saira with us. We decorated her room and bought new stuff for her, but so sadly, we couldn't stay with her so much. I couldn't give her enough attention or love. I thought... Does Saira resent me? Does she hate me now? Will she understand me? Thinking like that made me think of my mother. Did she have those thoughts when she was away from me?

As I was extremely busy, I felt extremely tired and did not have any appetite. One day, I collapsed. I was carried to the hospital. My manager was so worried and asked for a full check-up. I thought it was unnecessary because it was normal exhaustion no more nor less. However, I was so wrong. Who would have thought that I would have cancer?
I never thought nor expected this. Why? Why now? Why at this moment?
I thought of taking a vacation and spend time with my family, with my daughter, and my loved ones.
I did not believe it and I did not accept this situation. I refused to take chemical treatment. I thought I could fight this and lead a normal life. I only took medications and went back to my normal work life. However, ... My body couldn't take much.
I was sad, confused, depressed, and stressed. I wanted to tell Masahiro, however, there was no chance to tell him.
When I saw the chance to tell him we got into argument for the first time and ended with a divorce.
That day... I came back home late as always. Saira was asleep. Masahiro came back a few minutes after my arrival.
▫️Kohana: " Dear, I have something important to tell you."
▫️Masahiro: " Honey, can we talk tomorrow morning? I'm so tired today, I went through a lot."
▫️Kohana: "... I'M ALSO TIRED, NOT ONLY YOU. I SAID IT IS SOMETHING IMPORTANT WHY CAN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND?? AM I THAT UNBEARABLE TO YOU? Am I AN EYESORE TO YOU NOW? IF THAT'S THE CASE LETS JUST GET DIVORCE. IM ALSO SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR COLD ATTITUDE..." I shouted.
I said things I did not mean to say, however, I was surprised and shocked when Masahiro agreed right away.
I was so prideful, I couldn't take back my words and consult him, I couldn't and I regret it so badly. I broke my family and destroyed it because of my foolish pride. I destroyed it with my own hands.
The next day... Masahiro did not go back in his decision. I waited for him to come to me and consult me but... I hurt him so badly... I also couldn't look for him and make up. I thought maybe... Maybe he is also tired of me. I thought it's for the best too. I did not want him to see me ugly when the time comes. I wanted him to remember as the beautiful Kohana forever.

After that, I couldn't tell my daughter, she was still so young. I sometimes would lie to her and say that I'm going abroad but the truth is I was going for check-ups and medication. I still refused the chemical treatment. No one knew about this except my manager and the CEO of my company.
I got the chance to debut as an international model, I thought after this... I would like to resign from the industry and spend my last moments with my daughter. Treatment? I thought now it's too late for the treatment...and there is no use, I can feel it.
Saira-Chan... Please wait for mama. We will have our time soon. I love you, my love.