I Love You Again and Again

Chapter 5

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I'll be writing as if he was the one who is talking.>

[ Masahiro Endo, Saira's father perspective]
April 8th, spring season, Saira was born. I couldn't be there when Kohana gave birth to her because I was shooting a movie overseas. I felt happy and sad at the same time as I couldn't be there beside both of them. As soon as I finished work I took the first flight back to Tokyo, Japan, and headed to the hospital, and as I expected there were lots of reporters and fans who were waiting outside the hospital. As I took off from the car lots of reporters surrounded me, it was so noisy. However, I couldn't hear a thing because I was excited and looking forward to meeting my newborn child. When I held her for the first time I couldn't believe how small she was. She was so lovely and tiny. I wanted to protect her from everything bad. I was excited and wanted her to call me "dad" as soon as possible.
After staying at the hospital for a week, Saira was sent to her grandmother's house as she suggested and wanted to take care of Saira no matter what. As both I and Kohana did not have the time to look after Saira we agreed and sent Saira. We both felt so sad but we did not have any choice. Our schedule was so full and we couldn't take a break. I felt sorry for Kohana who had to work after not long of giving birth, and I felt sorry for Saira who had to stay away from us. However, I and Kohana also thought it was the best way to protect Saira from the reporters and other anti-fans.
As much as we were loved we were hated. We sometimes would get threat messages from anti-fans and other thugs who always are looking for a chance to get the best advantage of our situation and turn it to their benefit.
I and Kohana decided to not tell the reporters anything about Saira except that "The child is healthy born." we did not tell the reporters about Saira's gender or name. We wanted to protect her and let her live a normal life. We wanted her to choose her path by herself whether it was a normal life or fame.
Not long after Kohana's mother passed away, Saira came back home for the first time. She was 4 years old at that time.
Kohana wasn't in a good relationship with her family so she only attended the first day of the funeral.
I and Kohana were so excited, so we decorated her room and bought new clothes and toys for her. Saira being with us in the house was like a spring breeze indeed. The atmosphere in the house changed immediately. The house felt like it was completed and fully build up properly. It was awkward for Saira the first time she came. I don't blame her after all we weren't with her for 4 years and we rarely got the chance to get to visit her. As we got closer to her the day ended quickly. We stayed with Saira for a day and went back to our busy schedule. Before leaving the house we hired a trusted nanny to take care of Saira.
We thought that now that Saira is with us we could spend more time with her, but we were wrong. Our times did not match at all.
Days past and Saira has grown up so much in flash. I felt that the time went by so fast. We were happy as we knew that Saira was doing well in her studies. We were so proud and pleased to have Saira as our daughter.
Not long Kohana and I decided to get a divorce, at that time Saira was 5~6 years old. I couldn't understand what happened that day clearly and how we ended up with a divorce. However, I do remember that Kohana asked for divorce first.  I did not say anything and I did not persist. I guess both of us were stressed out, tired, exhausted and so busy that we did not have the time to sit properly as a couple to talk. I also think that most of it were my fault. Though I'm an actor who has to show and take out his emotions and relate to a character's personality and feelings, I'm a guy who has some difficulties showing his self feelings. We both drifted apart as time passes by because we lacked communication, our love for each other was not enough.

I agreed on letting Kohana taking Saira's custody since Saira was so young and in need of her mother. I also agreed on changing Saira's last name to Kohana's last name because Kohana did not have a close family. I felt sad but I did not want Kohana to feel all alone without a family after we divorce, after all, she was the woman who I loved and understood. Saira is my child and that thing will never change no matter what.
Saira was only six years old when we divorced. Though Kohana and I divorced our relationship maintained stable and peaceful. We went back from couples to best friends because we did not have anything against each other, to begin with, also it was because we had Saira.

After a few years, I met Ren. Ren made me realize how bad I was as a husband and as a father. She changed my perspective on life completely. And she made me realize a lot of things as a parent. She was a busy actress and a single mother but she always puts her son and family first before anything. She did not care if people would badmouth her or not hire her. However, with her hard work, her deep love and affection for her loved ones and the people around her drew people to grow fond of her, hired her and recommended her as a talented actress and a good person to work with.
I consulted her about Saira from time to time. She always had been so sensible, understanding, caring and I respected that. Day by day as we spent time together, my respect for her turned into admiration, and she shared the same feelings as I. I decided to get married to her as soon as possible to share her weight of taking care of Oliver, her son. However, now that I look at it, it was just an excuse for me to just not lose her.
Ren always encouraged me to take my steps to get closer to Saira. After Saira grew up, she has become a puzzle that I can not understand clearly. However, now  I think we have become closer than before. Before that Saira won't talk much with me, sometimes she would treat me as a stranger and she won't call me "dad" at all. When I think maybe because I left and that she hates me, she would get closer to me. Now my biggest mission is to get even closer to my daughter. I want to make up for the days that I wasn't close to her and near her.
I hope that someday Saira would get comfortable around me.