Etched

Chapter 43

Mind is a scary place and determination in it could be far worse. Sometimes you just wish for it to let go of the stubbornness and rather embrace what appears right in front of you but is it ever that easy?

It feels so comforting to unleash the caged monsters of unhappiness just to take a step forward and reach for the felicity, which is a step away. The cage however remains guarded by an even bigger monster - ego and with ego; nothing chooses to remain.

Gabriel was sitting at the door, his back against the door panel and head slightly resting back against it. He was asleep, his unruly hair on his forehead and a frown marring his face. My hands were trembling as I tried to reach forward to get ahold of him because I was craving to.

Without being able to resist any more seeing him like that, I sunk to my knees. I've never felt myself being this vulnerable ever before. I felt weak; incompetent and a total failure. Not a failure because I couldn't resist the sight of my man but meek because even after all this time, I couldn't escape the demons from my past.

My man? Did I call him my man? Was he mine to claim?

I inhaled a deep breath; my heart was beating at an insane rate but all it could do was admire this human sitting at my door. He was donning trousers and a tee. The condition I was in didn't allow me to second guess my actions and I huddled closer to him. I bunched his tee shirt in my palm and pressed my head against his chest, taking a deep breath.

My body was raking with dry sobs. He was right, this was a bad decision. Coming home to this place has been the worst thing one could do their trauma and I dived right in face first. It had gotten much worse for me because ever since that incident I hadn't actually returned and was staying at Gabriel's so being back here and too alone wasn't a right decision even at the slightest.

My fist tightened the hold on his shirt.

I wanted to feel him, to be close to him, to know that nothing could harm me because he was here with me to chase my nightmares away. It was insane how just the scent of someone can calm one down by blanketing them in the cocoon.

The warmth of them, filling us with a feeling of protection, of supervision. I didn't know how bad did he become my addiction but he had and no sense of denial would rid me out of it. I needed him more than I had initially anticipated and that was both my ruin and salvage.

My eyes were clenched shut as I was syncing my breathing to his heartbeat when I felt an arm snaking around my waist. His nose buried in my hair as he pressed small kisses and mumbled. My heart stopped before it picked the beat to a new fervor.

"I'm here, Paraiso. I got you" his arm was brushing my back and my body had totally succumbed to his warmth. It was so unfortunate that I was totally mesmerized by him and whatever he did to me. I should be running away from him after everything that was going on but I couldn't bring myself to. I knew that it would be minutes before my mind realizes the situation and jumps to wall itself up but for the time I was just a putty in his control.

His fingers weaved through my hair, gently wrapping them around his fingers and so softly tugging at them free from the hair tie the were bundled up in.

His words should be dangerous to me yet they had me in a puddle for him. He knew exactly how to calm me down and I didn't know if I liked that anymore.

We sat there for uncountable minutes, maybe hours. He was sitting still, just holding me close to his heart until I felt a vibration on my knee. I pulled away from him, it was his phone in his pant pocket. I immediately pulled away and stood up, rubbing my face and turning around before seeing him curse silently at his screen for breaking our trance. Did he really want us to remain in that position so bad?