****
XX.
Eden
Upon awakening, I could feel the soft sheets protecting my body from the cold and a pair of arms around me. I could also feel the morning light shining in through the blinds behind me. My eyes are still shut as I realize that I was being held.
My eyes quickly opened and I shot up from the bed to see it was Zach. I could tell that I had startled him awake because he groaned when he pulled himself up to a sitting position.
No. No. No.
Immediately, I grabbed my towel and my bag and headed to the bathroom. He yelled my name as I rushed inside and slid my back on the door. My breathing comes in small gasps and I could feel the room spinning. My heart is hammering inside of my chest and all I want to do is just rip it out. I quickly get up, using the edge of the sink to help with my balance and pass cold water on my face. I couldn't have a panic attack here— not now.
I didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling, all that happened was we cuddled next to each other. It wasn't anything serious. So why on earth was I acting like the world was ending?
I was relieved that my breathing was calming down so I quickly hopped in the shower. During my whole showering process, I couldn't stop thinking about what triggered my panic attack. He was just asleep holding me. But, somehow him holding me made the inside of my stomach tickle. I knew this feeling because I used to get it all the time with Cane.
Maybe I was just scared. Maybe the idea of liking someone new put fear in my heart. My heart felt heavy as I began to think more thorough about my feelings. I knew I didn't like Zach the way I liked Cane. Although the feelings that I keep having with Zach are there, I didn't feel the way I felt when I was with Cane. Or how I felt about him now.
I got out of the shower, got ready and quietly made my way to the kitchen. I was kind of glad we went back home today. I didn't want to be around anyone—especially Zach. I kept my distance the whole time and as hard as it was, I succeeded although he kept staring at me on our way back to Austin.
****
The moment I got home I had passed out on my bed. I was so exhausted and was so happy to be back on my own bed, alone. The lights were off and suddenly something didn't feel right. The room was silent and the only noise that you could hear was the sound of my breathing and my fan blowing.
The moment I stared up to my ceiling, I felt my heart become heavy causing myself to choke up. I could feel my eyes getting filled with my tears. I knew the moment I started to cry, I was alone. At that moment, I realized how lonely I truly was. My whole apartment was silent. I reached over to the other side of my bed to find it empty. I used to feel a body next to mine and it had just disappeared.
I used to hear the sound of his breathing as he slept peacefully under me. I used to hear the sound of his heart beating, it had a nice beat to it. I used to have arms wrapped around me as I slept, making me feel protected and safe. The warmth of his kisses being planted on my forehead was still engraved in my head. The amount of security that I felt every time I was with him had vanished. It was gone. He was gone.
I sat up and cuddled in my knees to my chest as I laid my head on top of them. Carefully, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my contact list to find my best friend's name. With an instant, her voice bubbly on the other end.
