'Bout Stressed Out (as an excuse to get out of my shell).

Stressed Out.

I've gotta get out of my shell.
And I'll do it the weirdest way possible.
So I'll talk about Stressed Out.
A song from Twenty One Pilots.
I could've chosen songs from them that have a much, much more meaningful place in my head, heart and life.
And I'm not actually gonna say everything that said song (or any song I happen to love) is in my head.
It would take days, seriously.
You know, I've written this many times* and I'm probably gonna repeat myself here; but songs for me, well ,certain songs.. Are like universes.
I'm not gonna dwell on the fact that for me every single song from Twenty One Pilots, or Tyler alone, is like that.
The lyrics, they can change everytime, I mean, their meaning.
That's not what I wanna talk about now though.
I've already written that concept**, what their songs are for me, why they're so magical and important..
I might share that too.
I don't share a lot, and by the end of this weird I don't know what, written thingy, you who are reading this, you're gonna understand how I truly took not sharing to the next level.
I could make an art form out of it, judging by how dedicated I am to hiding.
From what I like, to what I feel, from who I truly am (if I even am ..) to my mental health, from my art (guess I could call it that) to the smallest thing you could think of.
I would hide, and I still do.
Shame? Fear? Wanting to belong to something that automatically excludes something else?
Maybe all of the above and many more.
I'm afraid to share with my closest friends, family, my boyfriend..
I mean, at some point it happens with them, the closest ones.
But it takes time, and I usually leave them speechless, cause: "Wait what? You like this? You've been doing that for years?" or "What? Since when? How could I not know!".
Funny and hurtful at the same time.
Cause well, you can hide and be extremely good at it, but certain people, the closest ones, should notice things anyways.
Unless you live in a bunker but well, I only have an attic so.. Still more peaceful than my room though!
I'm losing track now, bear with me, I do that a lot.
So yeah you got it, I hide, easy.
It's my everyday ever since I was very very little.
And by that I mean kindergarten.
I would isolate myself, the best and only way I always knew I guess.
Bullying didn't help my social life for sure.
I'm from a small almost unknown tiny town in Italy.
Small schools, only one section for the whole town.
You know what that means?
Means that I had to stay with the same class, same people from Kindergarten, all the way through elementary school, and middle school.
Mom told me they started making fun of me already in the first year of kindergarten, cause I didn't wear branded clothes.
True or not, I remember from age 4 on.
So yeah let's skip the part where I'm basically forced to get bullied for like 10 years.
Highschool was hell, let's skip that as well.
Actually no, I should mention I changed school and lost one year.
The other highschool sucked and I'm gonna regret that choice forever cause I could do so much better.
But we (family) had to be sure I wouldn't fail again, so I could only choose a easy, useless highschool.
Well finished that, I wanted to go to University to study Psychology, but I'm poor so I had take a gap year to work.
Worked for some months, it's hard to find a job here.
Even harder when wow, look, a pandemic!
Ok so.
Yeah.
Back to me hiding.
Actually, there are few, rare times where I explode and tell everything that I bottled up inside for months or years, to strangers or almost.
It usually happens when, after days of internal struggle I accept a party invite from the few friends I have other than the closest ones.
There, there are always few people I don't know.
And boom, I just can't stop my tongue.
Tell everything I could think about in the moment.
Everything while wishing I could rip off my damn tongue, toss it to the ground, smash it and then burn it.
I don't even look like myself in those moments.
Or maybe, I'm actually letting out who I am, but since I never share, Me is an intricate mess inside my head, you know.. In the end we're only what's in our heads , we are ideas, we are thoughts.
And every second thoughts add up.
You grow, you are more.
If you never share, if you never put it (the shapeless mass of thoughts that you are) into something comprehensible like words, it becomes more and more intricate.
So yeah maybe in those circumstances I am letting out who I am, just , everything at the same time, resulting in me throwing a big, heavy ball of messy, incomprehensible life essence into a stranger's face.
Good thing it's something rare, so I can brilliantly avoid that person for the rest of my life, or if I meet them I would say an awkward "hi" and then run away in shame.