nothing i wont do anymore

to have and to hold.

Hogwarts School 1972

Narcissa Black had a particular talent for endurance. She endured the departure of one sister, and the unraveling of another. She endured the suffocation of her parents and the sometimes lingering fingers of their acquaintances. She endured the judgement of others for nothing more than her last name. But something that she was finding particularly difficult to endure was the absence of Lucius Malfoy at Hogwarts.

After seeing him at Hogsmeade, he had been unsettlingly silent. And this made her nervous. Pick at her nails and imagine the worst sort of nervousness. What if he had not been successful in convincing his father about their match? What if working at the Ministry he had found someone else- more suited to him? Because now he was a wizard and she, a school girl. Perhaps keeping him at arms length was a big mistake.

"Cissa you're so nervous over everything." Regan said to her one evening over a sugar quill. "Lucius Malfoy is besotted with you, has been since fifth year. What are you so afraid of?"

The fact that she hadn't spoken to Andromeda in over a year crossed her mind but she stayed quiet.

"You know I like to keep him close." she shrugged.

"Not too close." Samantha said and Narcissa turned on her sharply.

"Meaning?" she said coldly. Regan sat up and looked down at the girl reclining on the floor.

"Meaning exactly what you think Cissa. You were the one that told us you're waiting until marriage. You really think you can keep a Malfoy on faithful hooks until then? It's been over three years..."

"Just because the people you see can't show any restraint doesn't mean Lucius is the same." Regan said haughtily, squeezing Cissa's hand.

Samantha shrugged. "Of course not." she said. "But a man is a man I suppose."

"Just because someone looks at you Samantha doesn't mean you have to undress for them." Narcissa said bitingly. She knew it was cruel but Samantha had touched a nerve. Perhaps her own pain would cause her to keep her mouth shut next time she had such an intrusive thought.

Samantha only chuckled and tucked some hair behind her ear. "Yes, but at least undressing is my choice." she bit back.

Narcissa had had enough. She tossed her sweet to Regan and flounced upstairs to her dorm in a huff. She didn't want the girls to see her upset. Why hadn't he written to her? Was something wrong? Had her family deprived her from a chance at freedom again?

She threw herself onto her bed and buried her face into the pillow in a hot rage. Maybe she hated him then, if all it took was a winter separation for him to forget her. Maybe she would go bat her eyes at that dark haired beater on the Quidditch team (a sport she gave up when he left) and see how much Lucius liked that? Yes, she could play dirty too, if she wanted. She didn't remember falling asleep but the next time she blearily opened her eyes it was very dark outside and she could hear the sounds of the other girls breathing deeply and sleeping around her.

Still in her school clothes and wallowing in her own self pity, Narcissa decided she should take advantage of being the only one up at this hour and shower. She took her towel and toiletries, creeping down the stairs and wandering into the girls shower stalls. She picked the one beside the door, closing and locking it before she turned on the water. The steam rose quickly as she stood under the hot water, allowing it to hit her back, turning her skin red. She combed through her hair- when had it gotten so long? Scrubbing her skin clean (and crying, but did it really count when it was done in a shower?) she then stepped out of the water, turning it off and drying herself. Despite there only being a few hours of night left she still changed into her pyjamas for a sense of normality. She was still drying off her hair as she made her way back into the common room with the intention of reading a book.