Thinking Out Loud

December 18th, 2020

Song: You're Somebody Else - Flora Cash

Will it get any easier soon? 

Does it ever end?

It has been one week since I was let go from my job. One week of overthinking. One week of being stressed out. One week of tears. One week of insanity. For someone who has been working since they were a young teenager, it has definitely taken a tole on my life. I guess you can say I'm not used to not being employed. In a matter of one week I have managed to fall into deep depression. You begin to think about your whole life and all of the imperfections rather than the things that matter the most. Everything starts to irk you, causing you snap at every minor thing. You begin to withdraw yourself from friends and family,  you gain this feeling of worthlessness, your eating habits change, and your sleeping pattern changes. There's this tension that builds within you. 

 It's true when they say that the worst place you can be in is your head. 

To sum up my week for you, it was probably the worst. Breaking up with my boyfriend was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. But you can say the break up happened because of me. A relationship is difficult when you are having a tough time with yourself and your significant other doesn't make it any easier. They don't seem to understand you or your emotions. We tend to act out when something isn't going our way because we expect them to understand. That's where the communication should've came into play, but it didn't.

I should've expressed myself, but I didn't know how to. When it was easy for him to say, "okay", it  made me feel worse because how could it be so easy to let someone go? I might sound crazy, but we're females, I know that "okay" is not what we want to hear when it's someone you love. Someone you have something special with. Us girls overthink everything when it comes to someone we love and care about because somehow, their opinion matters to us the most. Your mind wonders off, creating scenarios and imaging the worst. 

Has he moved on? 

Is there someone else? 

Am I not enough? 

Is he tired of me already? 

Have I been doing something wrong this whole time? 

Why doesn't he seem to care?

It's tough and sometimes we don't know how to handle it. 

During our break up, he decided to burn old gifts and videos of him doing so were posted by his "friends". That definitely a slap in the face. It's most embarrassing when you find out through others. I'm a firm believer that not everyone is meant to know or be in your business. When I was sent this video, I just couldn't believe how someone doing something to hurt someone can be used for amusement. I couldn't help but feel sick at how childish someone could be. I felt so stupid and hurt.

How could someone do this? 

How do you forgive someone for something like this?

I don't know, but I just knew that I couldn't forgive him. I knew that I had to try and move on because someone who loves you wouldn't do something like that. I want to hate him so much, but I can't. 

Life's a bitch. 

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Hey guys! I hope you're enjoying Thinking Out Loud so far. This is very personal to me and I want to be able to connect with all of you and hear any similar stories you might have. I'd also like to get to know everyone who takes time to read this.

Feel free to follow me on my social media to get to know me :)

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- Des xoxox