mistakes, i can't help it | jinlia

Chapter 2: For All the People Who Won't

Somewhere between adjusting to life in Seoul, learning Korean and spending the better part of her days with Lia, Ryujin finds herself considering Lia as her best friend. It's never been officially established, but it feels that way. They're closer to each other than anyone else in the entire middle school. They share the same interest– art, singing, dance, though Lia's into ballet and Ryujin's into urban and hip hop– and they have an extraordinary bond that makes even their teachers scared to separate them.

They're always together for everything– projects, group discussions and pair discussions. They communicate in Korean more often than English, other than when Ryujin doesn't understand and need a little bit more help.

Ryujin never expected to get close to someone this fast, especially not someone like Lia. She hears from others that Lia's usually shy and reserved– choosing to stay silent for the most part, unless required during discussions. She's diligent and humble even though she's from a rich family. No one seems to be able to truly befriend her.

That's probably one of the reasons why Ryujin treasures Lia so much. She makes Ryujin feel special. Ryujin wants Lia to feel special too.

~

Ryujin likes to pretend that her family isn't one of her greatest pitfalls in life– next to, of course, the two other pitfalls she holds close. Like it isn't one of the reasons Ryujin's life turned out this way and not any better.

Ryujin's father is indicated as her guardian in every legal system, and he is also indicated as the owner of the apartment Ryujin lives in, but there's no one to greet her when she opens the door to the apartment, murmuring, "I'm home."

(It had been a tradition before the family slowly fell apart. Ryujin likes to think that they haven't.)

Just barely half a year after they moved to Seoul, Ryujin's parents started arguing.

It wasn't the same as when they'd bicker and everything would be solved in hours, or a few days, at worst. Ryujin wondered why it all happened– they hadn't bothered to tell her since she was too young to understand. Ryujin knows it's not her fault that her family fell apart. Ryujin knows it's not her fault that all she could do was watch.

(Ryujin has an incessant nagging feeling at the back of her mind, and it tells Ryujin that it really is all her fault.

Ryujin lets the nagging get to her at times. It's inevitable.)

~

There wasn't any divorce.

Her brother was gone too.

A hit-and-run, they said.

Lia stays by Ryujin's side during the entire procession, doesn't leave Ryujin's side other than to take food to feed Ryujin with. Ryujin has her palm pressed against Lia's, Lia holding her hand firmly yet warmly. Ryujin's father doesn't cry, and tells Ryujin that they can't bring the bodies back to New York– it'd cost too much.

(Ryujin's known from a young age that money isn't quite a problem for her family, and it hasn't been their main concern. She tries to ignore it.)

Only one of her three aunts visit, and it's the one that perpetually hates her father. Though she stays calm, she curses at her father at least thrice in the course of the procession. Ryujin doesn't blame her and sticks a little closer to Lia.

They move just a little over two weeks after the funeral, into an apartment that's a little more modern and fits more with her father's tastes – her mother preferred something that's somewhat closer to the traditional side, wood and all. Ryujin doesn't mind. It's closer to school, and closer to Lia.

When Lia finds out, Lia offers to pick Ryujin up every morning– "We can go to school together! It'll be great!" And Ryujin agrees easily. Her father is even happier about it– he'd been talking about how sending Ryujin to school makes him late for his meetings on certain days, and Ryujin's mother hadn't been there to scold him about it.

Sometimes Lia comes even earlier and takes the initiative to wake Ryujin up on her own. Ryujin would wake up to Lia grinning happily as she gives Ryujin a determined shake and a, "Wake up, Ryujinie!" They'd eat breakfast together and they'd stroll to school together, waving at Ryujin's father who waves as he passes in his car.

Somehow, Ryujin's father comes home later and later, with Ryujin being left at home to take care of herself. She doesn't tell Lia– she knew the girl would trouble herself with taking care of Ryujin. And it's not like she knows how to cook anything, so for most part of the evening, Ryujin would do her homework while eating chips and cereal. That's no guarantee that her father would bring back something for her to eat, though. Sometimes he apologizes when he sees Ryujin, sounding as if he had just remembered that he still has a daughter left.

When Lia asks Ryujin if she could stay for the night one day, she slightly hesitates. She wonders if she should even bother asking her father– it's not like he'll notice. But the way Lia is flashing her gummy smile after her excited burst of "Let's have a sleepover!" makes it hard for Ryujin to say no. So she nods, giving Lia a smile.

She does ask her father, and he says yes.

So when Lia walks home with Ryujin the next afternoon, Ryujin halts in place halfway. Lia's tugged back by their laced hands, and she turns to look at her concernedly.

"We— um," Ryujin hesitates.

Lia has maids to cook for her at home. What would she think of Ryujin if she told her that they'd have to buy takeout? Surely, it's better if Lia were to return home and eat a warm, healthy dinner with her family instead of Ryujin.

"Ryujinie?" Lia asks, confusedly, frowning as she moves closer to Ryujin, "What's wrong?"

But this is Lia. Lovely Choi Lia who is her best friend, and has never looked down upon her even when she accidentally stumbled over a ledge and nearly broke her nose. Choi Lia who wakes Ryujin up on the good days and leads a sleepy Ryujin through her morning routine– she stands behind Ryujin as she holds Ryujin's hand, essentially brushing her teeth for her, with her nose crinkled as she laughs. Choi Lia who has the brightest smile that reaches her eyes, and tiny moles that litter her face like constellation. Choi Lia who Ryujin has fallen in love with.

Surely, she'll love Ryujin as she is, right?

"We'll have to, uh," Ryujin pauses, throat bobbing as she swallows, "Get takeout. Dad won't be home till late."

And there's a nerve-wracking moment that passes before Lia visibly brightens, "Alright! I've been craving for some fried chicken."

So that's how they end up curled together in the couch, stomachs full from fried chicken from their favourite chain, and watching the second movie of the Harry Potter series– of course, they started with the first, as per Lia's instructions– when Ryujin's father returns at 3 am. He greets the girls with a confused, "Oh, right. Hey, you two."

Ryujin doesn't look up from the patterns on their shared blanket even as Lia greets him with a polite, "Hello, Mr. Shin."

He nods, returning Lia a smile when he says, "Ah, right. I forgot to buy food again. Did you two eat already?"

"Yes," Ryujin deadpans, "We got fried chicken."

Ryujin's father smiles a little bitterly at Ryujin's response, but he nods anyway, "Don't stay up too late. Goodnight."

Ryujin's father disappears into his room before they could even respond, and Ryujin just shifts herself closer to Lia, nuzzling her nose into Lia's shoulder. Lia's hand comes up to stroke Ryujin's hair, "Are you tired?"

Ryujin shakes her head, but a tear naturally falls and her heart drops when she feels Lia stiffen, and there's a whisper of, "Ryu? What's wrong?"

Ryujin grips onto Lia's sleeve, and she breaks down into a rack of sobs.

Ryujin tells Lia about everything that night.

Lia gives her a gentle peck on her crown and tells Ryujin that she'll love her enough for all the people who don't.

Ryujin doesn't believe her, but she finds that her sobbing stops anyway.