That Spring When Hydrangeas Bloom

06

Silence.

There was silence.

Of all the possible situations I expected to be in, this wasn't one of them. The unforeseen silence was too deafening that it felt like we were in a different world but on the same ground as the people around us. It felt as though we were stuck in a bubble that we were trying to escape from, but none of us was actually trying enough.

I knew my words seemed like they stemmed out of jealousy, coming off my mouth unexpectedly that even I was shocked with my sudden outburst. As much as I was baffled when he dragged me out of the café to ask me that question, I was more stupefied at myself for feeling a sudden sting on my chest when I saw him with a woman. I wasn't supposed to feel that way.

The coldness in his eyes disappeared when he gazed at me. He now looked calm, but the pain in those brown orbs was too obvious not to notice. However, it was a different kind of pain this time; it didn't look like the one from when he showed how hard it was to act in secret, or that of when he talked about not wanting to lose his grandmother. I knew it wasn't the same, but I can't figure out what kind of pain it was.

"Were you just pretending all this time?" His voice was soft and too fragile that it sounded more like a whisper. I didn't understand the context behind his answer but judging from how he spoke, it seemed deeper from what I expected.

I knew I was jealous no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I wasn't, but it was harder to make myself believe I didn't get hurt for seeing him like this, especially that I was the reason behind it.

"What do you mean?" I asked. I managed to compose myself after that long silence. However, the tension between us still remained.

When I didn't answer, he took a deep breath, like he was about to say something he profound. "I know it hasn't been long ever since I met you, but I already saw changes in myself that I didn't expect would happen. When I saw you cry when we lost our patient, my passion in this job sparked so brightly that it made me realize that being forced in this career wasn't too bad after all. But when I found out you hated..."

He stopped. Right then and there, I knew what he was trying to say.

I never thought that the ideology I came up with would take a toll on someone. I never even pictured myself justifying my philosophies in life–why I believed in them, or better yet, why I was trying to believe in them.

My friends were the only ones who knew about it, and I think I knew who told him. Perhaps that friend also didn't expect telling him that information would hurt him somehow. I didn't have an excuse because I just came up with it for no reason at all, not knowing that it could hurt someone in the future.

"I'm sorry." I looked up to him with apologetic eyes. It was just proper for me to apologize because although it wasn't done out of malice on my part, I still hurt him. I wasn't entitled to his own emotions–how he should feel and how he should deal with them. Once you hurt someone, justifying your actions would just mean insincerity.

"For hurting you; for making you feel this way. But never did I ever pretend when I was with you," I continued.

He took me by surprise when he stepped forward and encircled his arms around me. I felt unexpectedly warm...and protected. He wore a different perfume this time; nevertheless, he smelled so good still. He rested my head against his chest because he was way taller than I was, and it made me hear the way his heart was beating against my ear.

"I'm sorry, too." His embrace became tighter and I unconsciously found myself hugging him back, making me hear his heartbeat better. I already knew what he was sorry about even though he didn't tell me.