That Spring When Hydrangeas Bloom

03

I can't believe I cried in front of him, and I can't believe he found me that day when I was obviously hiding! It made me feel embarrassed every time the way I cried in front of him kept flashing on my mind. He even lent me his handkerchief. Ah Kang Hanna, what a mess.

It was the first time someone–other than my family and friends–saw me in such a vulnerable state. I did not like showing my weakness to others who did now know me that much but I can't do anything about it anymore because it already happened. I just had to deal with it.

To be honest, I was deeply devastated that day. I couldn't stop thinking about the boy – how he had such a bright future ahead of him, how he still had things he wanted to do, the university he would go to, and many others, were just gone in an instant. Most of all, it was the hardest on his parents, especially on his mom who literally begged us to save his dearest son, but we, doctors, could only do so much.

If only we could heal all our patients in a snap of a finger, we would, but reality would immediately in the picture that we couldn't. We can't save him because his post-op complications were getting out of hand. We managed to stop his brain herniation[1], but he started to worsen after. He developed respiratory insufficiency[2] with petechial rashes[3] all over his body. His blood gases[4] were rapidly deteriorating. He also developed pulmonary failure[5] in such a short time that even the ventilator[6] and corticosteroids[7] did not help him at all. We detected pulmonary embolism[8] in his lung tomography, and then...we lost him.

The thing I hated the most with my job was declaring a patient's exitus[9]. It scared me at the same time because I couldn't imagine telling a patient's family they would not be with their loved one anymore, forever. It was just too much to bear but at the same time, this kind of situation was too inevitable.

I was just standing behind Professor Kwon when he talked to the family. It was too heartbreaking for me that I could not even look at his mother's eyes. I felt guilty and helpless all at the same time. I knew encountering deaths were part of the job, but doctors are humans with emotions, too.

For the rest of the week, I didn't see Dr. Kim that much. I saw him sometimes at the ER when I tagged along Professor Kwon every time NS was needed but that was it. We just casually nodded or bowed whenever we crossed paths because we were also handling different patients.

He also started parking in front of the ER. I saw his car every time I passed by to and fro the underground parking so we didn't run across each other at the elevator. It wasn't like it bothered me that much. It was better that way, anyway.

"Where's my coffee?" I asked Seojun even before he got to place his tray on the table. I was with him, Jongsuk, Bogum and Soohyun because Minyoung was busy. She said they had too many outpatients and that she was too tired of standing so she couldn't join us in for lunch. Well, good for her because she didn't have to feel the discomfort of having hospital staff look back or stare at your table for too long for sitting with men who fit their beauty standards.

What the hell was to like for with these men anyway? Seojun and Jongsuk were too crazy for their own age to begin with. They were the loudest and liked to bicker with each other that sometimes I just wanted to throw them across a wall to shut them up; Soohyun was too serious you'd feel a black aura around him every time. Sometimes I just didn't want him to speak because his words could hit you at the right spot; and Bogum was the clone of the three of them that sometimes I can't understand him at all. He liked to complain about noise as well he should just live inside a library.

This was always the case even back in med school. People liked staring at them for giving off the "good-looking-men" vibe every time they were around. It was too sickening. Yeah indeed they looked good, but because I was friends with them and that I knew even their nastiest attitudes, they didn't seem that different and special at all.